DOG PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Give this dog a bone.
Inspired by recent McSweeney’s submission, Cat Performance Review, by Kendra Eash.
- Skill and proficiency in carrying out assignments
Proficient. After completing the 90-day probationary training and obedience period earlier this year, Jake has proven he has what it takes to follow management’s instructions impeccably well. To wit, he will often complete the same task over and over without complaint or regard for personal dignity. Assigned tasks vary wildly by management’s mood, but can include sitting still during meetings; shaking paws with potential clients or attractive strangers in Boston Common; and remaining in the same location while management runs around the corner yelling “STAYSTAYSTAYSTAY!” in a comical, child-like voice.
2. Possesses skills and knowledge to perform the job competently
Proficient. Jake boasts a mature, well-rounded skills and tricks repertoire that does not reflect his 7-dog-years-old age. We anticipate dog show quality performances in the coming year, with awards and pet food label appearances to follow. Purina is a lock, given their early interest, but we know Jake’s tail would wag the hardest if he graced the packaging of a coveted specialty medical brand, such as Hill’s Science Diet. Paws crossed on that one.
3. Skill at planning, organizing, and prioritizing workload
Underperforming. Bad dog. Jake takes instruction well, but is often lost or aloof when left to his own devices. If he is not eating, sleeping or taking commands, Jake will wander the office to consume soiled gym bag contents, artificial plants, and everything on the break room table related to Bagel Wednesdays.
Oftentimes, when Jake does not feel as though he is receiving enough attention, he will consume garbage, regurgitate it, and then consume the mess again and again, only to end this vicious cycle of refuse mastication when management returns to interrupt and chastise him. During these disciplinary episodes, Jake will sulk and disappear to the supply closet. This is unacceptable. We would like to see Jake demonstrate the same gusto and accountability for responsible waste management as he does for more self-serving interests, such as licking himself in the privates.
4. Holds self accountable for assigned responsibilities; sees tasks through to completion in a timely manner
Consistent. Jake performs a majority of his tasks repeatedly, reliably, and without question. When it is time for one of his four allotted bathroom breaks, he knows to stare at management until it is clear a walk is necessary. During walks, bowel and bladder are emptied proudly and completely on the lawns of management’s enemies. Barring an unfortunate incident from his probationary period during which he refused to acknowledge the newspaper training area, he has never once relived himself on the carpet, in the planters, or — most reassuringly — in management’s bed. We should also note with satisfaction that Jake does not require a specialized bathroom box, nor does he bleat for its regular cleaning like his four-legged coworker, referred to here anonymously as “the cat” for HR purposes. Management sees this as a big plus, especially when speaking with his girlfriend about hiring a second cat and what an absolute logistical nightmare that would be.
5. Communicates effectively with supervisor and peers
Consistent. Jake is a go-getter, especially while communicating his needs or fetching. When he is hungry, he barks. When he is ready for a walk, he barks. When he needs to go outside, he barks. When he is displeased about the EBITA numbers coming up short and management’s checking account tanking for yet another quarter, he barks. Management is never at a loss when it comes to knowing Jake requires something, sees that something amiss, or is in the midst of “one of his episodes.” For example, Jake is more than capable of expressing displeasure when management tries to interact with him during a break. In these instances, Jake is clear yet forceful, employing a signature disconcerting look and throaty growl that wordlessly implies, “I was on break, boss. I understand that I owe you my life, but get away from me. I’m a dog. My increased metabolism and higher body temperature require more sleep than you. If I wanted, I could tear out your throat and be halfway to passing your remains as a turd in the foyer by the time the neighbors got suspicious about the newspapers piling up in the drive.”
Management understands the performance review process Is a two-way street. He will no longer poke Jake with a chew toy during break time.
6. Ability to work cooperatively with supervision or as part of a team
Mastery. Jake is a dog. Obedience is implicit in his kind. Following orders and serving the alpha have been bred into his lineage since the day man broke the wolf beasts and molded them into today’s domesticated companions. Jake lives to follow instruction. He gushes love upon his managers. He excels whether he is part of a pack, or participating in an Agile scrum meeting. We could not imagine hiring any other type of domesticated animal, especially those that require the aforementioned bathroom box. Management is busy enough as it is.
7. Adeptness at analyzing facts, problem solving, decision-making, and demonstrating good judgment
Inconsistent. For every item fetched and trick performed, Jake will plant his nose in a coworker’s crotch, often without warning or justification. In Frank’s case this was understandable, given the man’s penchant for stuffing vending machine snacks in his pockets to avoid the ire of his Biggest Loser weight loss team, but the others were baffling and unacceptable. Management has responded to the incidents with a firmer “NO NO NO” when Jake gets “that look” and it becomes clear a muzzle-to-nether-region offense is about to occur.
Overall Comments
We see great things in the future for Jake, including but not limited to back flips and obstacle courses, especially if the new training consultant delivers as promised. If Jake does not demonstrate problem-solving skills on par with a toddler by this time next year, management would be very surprised. We are recommending a modest increase in Jake’s annual salary, from one Milk Bone treat to two during his lunch and dinner breaks.
To conclude, we believe having Jake work with his cat coworker was a misstep. That’s on management. With his adaptive skill set it seemed like an obvious professional fit, but the severe nose wound and vet trip all but ended Jake’s career as a teacher. Management regrets this snafu. We are also open to any and all feedback about how we might retrieve the cat from the roof.
