HELLO AGAIN, DIPSHITS. IT’S AMAZON CEO JEFF BEZOS, KING OF THE SEA AND LORD OF THE HEAVENS ABOVE.
A demigod returns with news for the heavens.
Listen up, ding-dongs. It’s me again. Jeff Bezos. Remember me? King of the sea, master of e-commerce, and commander of the tides? Yeah, that Jeff Bezos. I’m back, and I’m ready to blow your hair back with another mind-boggling paradigm shift, just like I did when I sweet-talked the ocean and plucked those Apollo rockets from her deep, dank bosom with nothing but my spindly white hands.
So everyone grab one of these quality Etekcity 2 Pack Portable Outdoor LED Camping Lantern Flashlights ($19.99, #1 Best Seller, 4.5 Stars) and gather around. Gather around this breathtaking, reusable Blue Origin rocket that I just landed standing straight up like a blazing blue steel erection in the middle of a desert.
Go ahead, take it all in. You feel that heat? It’s still hot, isn’t it? Hot like the miniature star I conjured up from nothingness in my lab to serve as my personal pulsar in a bottle and power this craft for all eternity ($TBD, pending gravity wave results of the LISA Pathfinder mission).
I mean, of course it’s still hot, you cacophony of dunces. It’s pulsing and burning with the innate power of Bezos, just like everything else I touch. Don’t try to understand it. Outside of me and my boy Richard Branson, few can. Please give your primitive three-dimensional brains a break and lower your soaring core temperature with a HyperKewl Evaporative Cooling Ultra Sport Vest (only $42.50, free shipping, click for details).
Neil Armstrong? Buzz Aldrin? John “Inevitably Forgotten In the Cosmic Dustbin of Human History” Glenn? Give me a damn break. The moment my stoic silver torpedo descended from its heavenly perch without even so much as a wobble I saw half of you soil your elastic band cargo pants. Here, you numbskulls, have some Simply Right Adult Washcloths ($10.40 per 240-count) and clean yourselves up. I can’t blame you though. It’s not like humanity sees this kind of humbling spectacle everyday.
What’s that? What’s that about Elon Musk, SpaceX, and meaningful competition in the private space race space? Please. I piss liquid oxygen. I sleep comfortably at 9 G’s. I read algorithm code for fun and plot gravity assist orbital maneuvers while pushing one out on my Ove SMART TOILET Single Flush System and Heated Seat with Remote Control ($1,154; Amazon Prime eligible; comes in white only).
Here’s some futurism for you clowns to chew on: In five years, when you’re all scooting around in pansy-ass autonomous Tesla mini-vans, do you know where I’ll be? I’ll be up in a geosynchronous orbit laughing my weightless balls off about how small Elon’s four-wheeled, limp-dick contribution to mankind looks from 22,236 miles above sea level.
What I’m saying is a demigod like me just isn’t all that concerned about a guy like Musk. I don’t even think about him. I’m too busy writing humanity’s next great chapter amongst the stars. I mean that literally. With my legion of reusable rockets and autonomous faster-than-light drones (each just $25,000,000,000*; free shipping), I am literally going to scour the galaxy for neutron stars, lasso them together, and create a conflagration of wonder so big it makes the Big Bang look like a mouse fart.
And you all helped me do it, you little deal-loving dimwits. With your insipid eBook purchases, Amazon Mom diaper subscriptions (20% off), and 55-gallon barrels of Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant (approx. $1,050) — all of it fed the revolutionary reusable rocket engine that’s going to shoot my ass into the unending ether above.
So, thank you. Thank you for making my wildest Bond villain fantasies come true. Thank you for buying utter schlock from my virtual shelves all these years. Did I mention the rockets double as mobile pick-up locations for all Amazon deliveries? The service is, of course, only available to Amazon Prime members.
Now, who’s ready to sign up?
* Requires a “Dyson Sphere Civilization Type II energy-harnessing superstructure” with purchase, available soon
