The Veneer of Perfection
“Alexa, play The Reason by Hoobastank”
In grad school, we had a class, Self As Instrument (shoutout to one of my favorite professors, Dr. Jennifer Parlamis), where we were asked to get feedback from at least 5 people from different parts of our lives. In good old overachiever fashion, I ended up interviewing 6. In asking for feedback, there was a structure that I ended up following: What do you think of me as a human being? What do you think of me as an employee/coworker/partner/etc.? What am I good at? What can I improve on? In every interview that I had, all was well until we got to the question about areas that I can improve on because all the responses were filled with silence. It was awkward; it was uncomfortable; it was…quiet?
Now it took me some time to process this and really come to terms with it. Did the people I interviewed not feel comfortable enough to respond to this question? Did I say something wrong? Was there something on my face? And while I could have sat there and pondered my way through what they were thinking, it dawned on me. It wasn’t them. It wasn’t the situation. It was me. I felt like there was something wrong with me for not “having” any flaws when I knew that I have a lot! Gosh, I remember feeling so insecure at that moment- how could they not see my imperfections?
So taking all of these data points from my interviews and really processing what it all meant, I came to the conclusion that I exude an air of perfection- so much so that any kind of flaw, I do a wonderful job of hiding. There is definitely a lot of trauma wrapped up in this seeming perfection, or the veneer of perfection as I like to call it (because veneers hold the purpose of “perfecting” imperfect-looking teeth, but they do not have the same durability or integrity as the ones we naturally have). I know, feel and sense that this defense mechanism is attributed to looking like I have it all together.
After some therapy, coaching and everything in between, I feel like I have come to the point in my life where I don’t place judgment on myself when I am a mess- still put together, but nonetheless a mess! As I write this, I can think back to the time when it all clicked for me and I accepted that we are all, myself included, works in progress. Everyone has this. The veneer of perfection is so rampant because showing our flaws…that’s some scary sh*t! The beautiful thing about it all is this is exactly the part of you that makes you, you! It’s easy to say “Embrace it blah blah blah,” but realistically, we all have our own processes and time frames.
The veneer of perfection is a defense mechanism that at one point in our lives, served a purpose. If you’re reading this and feel/think/sense that this resonated with you, then I want you to know that your defense mechanism aims to serve you in a way to shield you from what your brain is making you think as harmful. We are accustomed to this automatic type of thinking because vulnerability is scary and let’s not expend energy where there is already something that has been working for a while! Didn’t that just sound like it can apply to individuals, teams and organizations? The next time we find ourselves showing off our veneers of perfection, we ought to ask ourselves, what’s the point of all of this? And when we find ourselves coming up with the million reasons that we naturally can, perhaps this is the invitation to sit with the silence and discomfort of forcing ourselves not to come up with any excuse and to simply observe how all of this makes us feel.
