Empathy & Compassion: Ingredients of Effective Communication & a Healthy Society
If I can put myself in your shoes I can hope to understand you.
The sign in the photo reads “Just Be Kind.”
But how exactly do we do that consistently?
This is a serious question. Being kind isn’t simply an intellectual decision. To be kind consistently we need proficiency in certain skills.
We face many challenges in life. Improving your communication skills is not likely on your to-do list.
When “communication skills” are mentioned in almost any setting, the eye-rolling begins. We think we’ve been-there-and-done-that. But it doesn’t show in our interactions.
I rarely use the term because it has become meaningless. Communication skills is an umbrella term that few of us know how to define. The seminars employees have been required to attend taught nothing but superficial tips that no one remembers.
I use the more descriptive term Relational Skills to refer to the specific skills that fall under the concept of communication.
Our Empathy and Compassion Deficiency
These two skills help us manage our interactions with others. Their absence makes it difficult to maintain positive regard for others.
At one end of the continuum are those who manifest an extreme psychiatric pathology — people with no receptor sites for empathy. People who feel no compassion but have a capacity for aggression, violence, and cruelty.
Luckily most of us don’t fall into that extreme category. But while the average person feels empathy for others, in my many decades on the planet, I’ve watched empathy and compassion diminish in our society.
Definitions
When talking about any of the essential life skills, it’s important to define them. We often throw around general terms but never explain what they mean to us.
Empathy and Compassion Are Not the Same
Though often used interchangeably these two terms are a bit different. According to this 2020 article we need compassion in addition to empathy.
Empathy is when we feel for someone — we have an awareness of their emotions and a sense of what they might be going through, but we often only feel it for those we are close to — either family or within a community with whom we identify. Some of us may even take on the feelings of others if we don’t have good boundaries.
Compassion is similar but is represented in a different area of the brain. While we can imagine the other person’s frustration or pain, we don’t become enmeshed — we don’t join the suffering of others or take on their feelings. We maintain our separateness but can feel inspired to help.
We FEEL Empathy.
We ACT with Compassion.
“Compassion does not just happen. Pity does, but compassion is not pity. It’s not a feeling. Compassion is a viewpoint, a way of life, a perspective, a habit that becomes a discipline — and more than anything else, compassion is a choice we make that love is more important than comfort or convenience.”
I agree with Glennon. But the question is — how do people learn compassion? As she states “it doesn’t just happen.” Yes, it’s “a habit that becomes a discipline” but so many of us did not have role models of compassion and therefore never fully learned how to empathize with others — at least not in a way that became part of who we are.
Many will insist that their life is based on being kind and accepting. Yet I’ve observed those people behaving aggressively and more often behaving passive-aggressively. However, I don’t think they are conscious of their behavior or its impact.
It’s not an intellectual decision. We can’t just decide to be kind and compassionate. We think we can, and we do fine until something triggers us. Then we have a knee-jerk reaction and make a snarky remark, or we respond aggressively in a business meeting, perhaps non-verbally with a few snorts or a dramatic sigh that serves to silence someone. Those are not unimportant “minor” offenses that we should overlook. They might be the tip of the iceberg.
If nothing else those micro or not-so-micro aggressions should be addressed. We need to call attention to those behaviors so that the person expressing them is fully aware of what we are experiencing — that those responses are noticed and have an impact. We aren’t doing that person any favors by letting the behaviors slide by.
My point is that empathy and the consistent practice of compassion and kindness are skills. Some of us had those skills modeled for us when we were young. Others, unfortunately, didn’t and need to work to develop their compassion skills as they didn’t have good role models.
Can Empathy and Compassion Be Taught?
I believe so.
But who is qualified to teach these skills?
If empathy and compassion are valued and have been embedded in the culture there will be a significant number of adults who have developed these skills and can therefore teach them to children or other adults.
But few of us have been schooled in self-awareness, assertiveness, personal boundaries, or conflict resolution. We were not taught the skills that could help us function better as an adult.
Lack of Empathy and Compassion Are Maturity Issues
This is a societal problem. There are almost no adults qualified to teach these skills.
Why Don’t We Even Try? Why Don’t We “Get” This in the U.S.?
We’re watching aggression and violence tighten its grip on our country.
I’ve not heard one pundit say that we need to teach children good personal boundaries, how to communicate responsibly, how to manage their behavior, increase their empathy and compassion, or resolve conflicts with others.
Not understanding this need might be our biggest blind spot ever.
In the United States, we don’t teach empathy and compassion in our schools. We don’t teach the relational skills that I believe are necessary for adult maturity and therefore, necessary for sustainable success in relationships and careers — the skills of self-awareness, assertiveness, personal boundaries, and how to resolve conflicts.
Note: Some private schools teach empathy, cooperation, and other skills. Some public schools have conflict resolution programs and curriculum that mention life skills, but they don’t provide a comprehensive process for teaching or facilitating the practice of the skills.
Radical Empathy
CNN headline: “Nelson Mandela’s Example of Radical Empathy Can Help the US Today” — July 18, 2021
In 1993 South African General Constand Viljoen and a group of white supremacists were planning an armed insurrection against the government. The general thought Nelson Mandela was a terrorist who deserved execution, but as a last resort to avoid war he met with Mandela.
“Ah, hello, General,” Mandela said, greeting Viljoen with a big smile. “How very good to see you…Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.”
“…something happened to Viljoen after he talked over tea with Mandela. By the end of the evening, Viljoen had not only accepted Mandela’s request to call off the insurrection; he persuaded other White South Africans to participate in the upcoming election. And when Mandela was inaugurated as South Africa’s President a year later following the nation’s first fully Democratic elections, Viljoen stood in the middle of the new parliament, saluted him, and would later call him “the greatest of men.”
What the article covers is not simply empathy, but Mandela’s solid set of relational skills that he utilized to produce peaceful outcomes. In government, we call them diplomacy skills but they draw from the same skills mentioned above.
“Mandela…spent his years in prison learning Afrikaans, the language of his oppressor while studying their history and reading their favorite poets. Mandela said of persuading many Afrikaners to accept him as their leader:
“You don’t address their brains; you address their hearts.”
Surefire Empathy Training
Those wise words of Mandela remind me of Marshal Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication model. At first glance, the four-part message formula looks simple and unimpressive. Learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) however, requires some training, coaching, and a lot of practice. But it comes with a huge reward—
Once you become proficient and use the NVC model in your daily life, it will be second nature for you to lead with compassion in your interactions.
I don’t say this lightly, but using the Nonviolent Communication model will transform your life — at home and at work. And, no you won’t turn into a wimp. Quite the contrary. You will be more assertive and will know how to communicate more directly, but with compassion.
You’ll learn to separate the wheat from the chaff every time you communicate.
Once you master the skill of “clean” messages (ones that don’t include the chaff of judgment), your messages will not only be well received by others but the responses you receive back will blow your mind.
Empathy is the Door to Peacemaking
Like Mandela, you will resolve conflicts more easily and experience more peace in your life. NVC proficiency will improve all your relationships.
A Word of Caution — Codependency Can Be Disguised as Empathy
It’s necessary to say a few words about the “niceness” that we may perceive as empathy but that is codependency. This is when kindness is a facade displayed because we were trained to “be nice,” “be kind,” or “smile” (the socialization and programming usually inflicted on girls) or we developed a type of “niceness” that is a protective shield we used to survive abuse.
People who have been expected to always “be nice” and to not get angry are certainly capable of expressing genuine compassion. But those who exhibit codependent behavior almost always have festering anger underneath. If they have not processed their early experiences to heal those wounds they may struggle with emotional management and passive-aggressive behavior.
Nonviolent Communication Supports Codependency Recovery
The Nonviolent Communication model is ideal because it is not merely a model of “how to be nice.” Its impeccable design teaches other skills — especially assertiveness and healthy boundaries and, therefore, the model does not enable codependency.
The “clean” messaging of NVC always leads with empathy and compassion but does not include a sacrificial aspect that requires us to prioritize the needs of someone else at the expense of our own.
Denmark Does Teach Empathy
Denmark understands the importance of a citizenry with empathy. They know its value and they teach it to their children.
In the video below Pia Allerslev explains the Danish practice in schools of when there is bullying or a conflict between students, the class stops all intellectual learning and focuses on resolving the conflict and making sure the entire class understands and learns the skills used to resolve the conflict.
She clarifies that when the emotional stresses are removed by engaging in this practice, the children easily excel in their traditional studies making that time spent on social skills and empathy a valuable investment.
They teach children to focus both on themselves as individuals as well as on what is good for the community as a whole.
While the Danes seem to only use the term empathy it’s clear that their definition includes the concept of compassion. They don’t simply perceive the emotional experience of others but also express a desire to help.
Danish school children learn empathy and conflict resolution:
Teaching empathy might at least partially explain why Denmark is the world’s second happiest country.
There Must Be a Reckoning in the United States About Why Our Society Does Not Value the Skills That Could Help Us Get Along
Some schools teach basic life skills but for the most part, we don’t teach children how to be assertive and stand up for themselves in a non-aggressive way. We don’t teach children how to have healthy boundaries to keep themselves safe. We don’t teach children how to identify their feelings and how to handle their emotional triggers.
We do a great disservice to our youth just as that disservice was done to us.
Clueless or Complicit?
I think it’s both. As a society, we seem to be clueless. We don’t seem to understand the necessity of these skills, or even know that they exist.
Maybe it’s societal ignorance for the majority of people.
For a smaller segment of society, I believe it’s a conscious decision to not teach children, women, and marginalized people how to strengthen their boundaries or stand up for themselves.
Some who have power, don’t value these skills because they have no interest in helping people learn how to get along better. They want power over others (especially those they consider undesirable) and they know that keeping people divided is the easiest way to maintain control.
Why Do So Many Give Attention and Power to Those Who Lack Empathy?
A country that tolerates leaders with no empathy, is a country in trouble.
The most important and profound work we can do is to learn the essential Relational Skills — The interdependent set of skills that are the foundation of adult maturity.
The skills that help us be our best selves and function well in the world.
The skills that help us all get along.
Who doesn’t want that?
Skills Coach Christine Green teaches how to communicate with compassion.
