Why You Need the Rare Skill of an Authentic Apology
Because it’s a grown-up skill that will serve you.
When was the last time you heard an authentic apology?
You might think you’ve heard a lot of them…apologies. But at least some and perhaps many were a bucket of excuses or halfhearted non-apologies.
We don’t often hear a full-fledged apology in our families or our workplace. We almost never hear them from public officials.
Maybe it’s my imagination but weren’t true apologies more common in the past?
Sincere, authentic apologies are now on the endangered skills list.
I’ll share my thoughts about why so many in our society can’t take responsibility for themselves, and either refuse or don’t know how to make an apology. Then I’ll dissect recent public apologies, sharing examples of the good, the bad, and the ugly apologies we hear from those in the media spotlight. It should be easy to apply the same principles to your personal and work life apologies. I’ll say more about why I think good ones are so rare and finally, I’ll provide you with an apology formula and clear examples.
The News Media Doesn’t Recognize a Fake Apology
Too many news anchors and pundits lack an understanding of responsible adult behavior. They often don’t know the difference between an authentic apology and a fake one. It’s disturbing to hear a report that “Public figure x apologized for blah blah blah,” when in reality that person made a disingenuous statement. Consequently, the media rarely calls out non-apologies. The mislabeling is likely not intentional but it’s inexcusable.
The minimum training for those in the news media needs to include education about human behavior to help them understand psychological profiles and adult skills.
Why Do So Few Public Figures Acknowledge Mistakes?
Though legal teams might be to blame for the denial of wrongdoing by certain professionals, many think it shows weakness to ever admit that they made a mistake or behaved inappropriately. So they don’t admit it.
Admitting a mistake is not a sign of weakness — quite the contrary. Ability and willingness to admit that you screwed up is a sign of strong character. What used to be the standard operating procedure has now become an act of courage. Acknowledging wrongdoing does require a bit of what we consider vulnerability, but vulnerability is not a sign of weakness either. The ability to admit a mistake and to apologize fully is what we hear from mature, confident adults.
It’s a concern that our society has a growing epidemic of so-called adults who lack the ability to take responsibility for themselves. Of greater concern is that we elect them to high offices.
The Public Will Often Forgive (those who come clean)
For most offenses by a public official, when a full message apology is presented, the public will often forgive and forget. Seeing a public official take responsibility is so rare, it’s therefore impressive, and for those in the public eye, the bar is low. We also forgive because after a clean apology there’s nothing left to hold over the offender — nothing is being twisted, denied, or hidden. There’s no longer a target for accusations because the “spill in aisle 7” has been cleaned up. “There’s nothing more to see here” and we move on.
Taking Responsibility Can be “Insurance” for Doctors
For liability reasons, many doctors will not admit a medical mistake. Ironically though, studies show that doctors who admit their mistakes and apologize to their patients are less likely to be sued for malpractice.
Except in more extreme, devastating cases, I believe that most people simply want an apology — but they want a sincere apology where the doctor expresses sorrow and regret for their mistake.
Quite a few states now have laws that allow doctors to apologize to a patient without it being legally used against them later.
I have a friend whose primary care physician missed a serious medical condition that almost took her life. When another doctor diagnosed it, and her PCP learned about it, he apologized to her. She could have sued him, but she didn’t. She forgave him. She later wrote a book about the healing power of self-love that carried her back to health from her harrowing experience with a late-stage condition. She’s now living a good life and so is the doctor who didn’t catch her medical issue earlier.
The Power Hierarchy and Apologies
I’m not sure how this plays out with parents of the generations that came after Boomers, but in my day parents didn’t apologize to their kids — at least not directly.
Bosses in both the past and present rarely apologize to those under them. This is likely because they believe it will undermine their authority. That belief is founded in a dominance model of leadership.
For a confident leader, admitting a mistake and offering an apology will not weaken their position, but is a sign of integrity. It will not only earn them respect but will serve as the inspirational behavior of a good role model.
The Lame Non-Apology
Here’s a list of insufficient or off-base responses to someone who has told you that your behavior has hurt or upset them.
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- “I’m sorry, but hey you did the same thing to me last week.”
- “I’m sorry it turned out that way. I couldn’t help it.”
- “I feel bad about this, but it really wasn’t my fault.”
- “Can we just forget it? I didn’t intend it that way.”
- “Sorry about that but you wouldn’t believe the day I had.”
- “I shouldn’t have done that, but I think you’re over-reacting.”
- “You know I didn’t mean it.”
Do you see how these responses fall short?
These statements lack an understanding of the other person’s experience. They lack the required empathy. They don’t take any responsibility — every one of these gives a “reason” why the behavior happened — an excuse for it. The ones that include “I’m sorry” follow it with a “but” statement that shifts the responsibility away from themselves as the offender.
This IS a BOTH SIDES Issue
I can confidently say there are plenty of non-apologies and those with an inability to take responsibility for themselves on “Both Sides.”
Some may disagree but a commitment to social justice is not enough if we can’t take responsibility as individuals or as organizations.
Real Examples — Starting with the Non-Apologies
Below I describe what in my opinion are apology-warranting situations.
Press Secretary Faux Pas
During a press conference only a month into the administration’s term, Press Secretary Jen Psaki was asked if President Biden had made any decisions on the future of the Space Force. She responded with a sarcastic quip, making fun of the department.
She gets credit for quickly composing herself and returning to a professional tone, but in my opinion, her initial comment was inappropriate coming from the White House Press Secretary. I thought an apology was in order. Psaki didn’t think one was warranted but offered a follow-up statement. That evening she Tweeted an outreach message that mentioned Space Force.
We may end up in a number of borderline situations each week. I say err on the side of thoughtfulness and offer an apology.
Did MTG Apologize?
Here’s the February 4, 2021 headline but did she apologize?
“Marjorie Taylor Greene apologized in private, but in public she has not demonstrated remorse”
Apologies, when authentic, are directed to those who were harmed. In this instance, the remorse was aimed at her Republican colleagues — not those who she actually harmed. And even in the safe space of a Republican caucus, Greene, according to reports, did not actually take ownership of all the hateful things she said before getting elected.” — Business Insider (emphasis added)
Also on February 4, 2021:
“I was allowed to believe things that weren’t true…and that is absolutely what I regret.” — MTG
Annie Gabston-Howell was not having it and called out MTG for positioning herself as a victim, blaming anyone but herself.
The Columbian understood what they heard and stated that MTG said she “regrets words of the past” but added, “without specific apology.”
A Non-Apology by Representative Ted Yoho in July 2020:
“A day after he reportedly called Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch” after confronting her outside the Capitol, Florida congressman Ted Yoho, a Republican, offered an absurd apology on the House floor Wednesday.”
— Congressman Who Assailed AOC Offers Terrible Apology for the Ages, New York Magazine, July 23, 2020
Aaron Ruper Tweeted a video of Representative Yoho’s statement on the floor of the House:
Rupar’s Tweet got this reply from BrooklynDad_Defiant:
This CNN article points out “The Florida Republican just delivered a master class in how *not* to apologize.”
Here’s Alexandria Ocasio Cortez’s report of what happened and her response to Representative Yoho’s non-apology and how he doesn’t take responsibility for his behavior:
Not only does Representative Ocasio-Cortez understand the key elements of an authentic apology, but she also recognizes the tactics used by those who pretend to apologize, but who in reality deny and blame others:
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has this understanding because she has a significant level of awareness and maturity. She’s a responsible adult.
Governor Cuomo’s Non-apology
Governor Andrew Cuomo got into hot water for undercounted COVID deaths in nursing homes. Then apparently tried to cover that up.
He “apologized” only for the information void.
The governor, did say he was sorry his administration did not prioritize the release of complete information about the spread of Covid-19 in nursing facilities. But when prompted by reporters’ questions, he declined to deliver an apology for the March order to have nursing homes accept patients with coronavirus.
“Apologize? Look I have said repeatedly, we made a mistake in creating the void,” Cuomo said.” — “Cuomo apologizes for ‘void’ in information, not for nursing home decision” — Politico 2/14/21
The Governor clearly doesn’t understand what a responsible apology sounds like and was too busy defending himself to give one.
Since the time I began writing this piece and when it was published, the governor of New York was accused by numerous women of varying degrees of sexual harassment. Here’s the headline from Cosmopolitan magazine — I’m just going to leave it here.
Hey, Governor Cuomo: The Non-Apology Isn’t Going to Cut It This Time (or, Like, Literally Ever)
Kennedy’s Just Barely Apology
Senator John Kennedy happily engaged in name-calling of a Native American member of Congress but did apologize for one infraction.
“Sen. John Kennedy apologized for calling President Joe Biden’s Interior Department nominee, Deb Haaland, a “whack job.” The Louisiana Republican said he regretted the remark about Haaland, explaining that he was searching for another word before calling her “a neo-socialist, left-of-Lenin whack job.”
“I apologize. I was searching for a word for extremist, which I think is more neutral,“ Kennedy said. “I should have said extremist. I never should have said whack job.“ He offered the apology after an interview on another subject but said he “felt bad about that all day“ after tagging Haaland with the barb.”
— Politico 2/25/21
Tanden Tries to Apologize During Confirmation Hearing
Watch the second video in Kenneth Vogel’s Twitter thread embedded below. It’s a fairly decent apology by Neera Tanden:
Threatening Misogynist Behavior Followed by a Decent Apology — But Not to the Woman Who Was the Target of His Offense
Deputy Press Secretary TJ Ducklo lashed out at a female journalist, trying to quash a story about his relationship with a reporter.
Ducklo tried to intimidate Tara Palmeri by phone in an effort to kill the story. During the off-the-record call, Ducklo made derogatory and misogynistic comments, accusing Palmeri of only reporting on his relationship because she was “jealous” that an unidentified man in the past had “wanted to fuck” McCammond “and not you.” Ducklo also accused Palmeri of being “jealous” of his relationship with McCammond. According to the sources, Ducklo told her he would ruin her reputation if she published it, saying “I will destroy you.”
That’s about as bad as it gets when it comes to wronging someone.
Press Secretary Jen Psaki issued this statement:
“TJ Ducklo has apologized to the reporter, with whom he had a heated conversation about his personal life. He is the first to acknowledge this is not the standard of behavior set out by the President. In addition to his initial apology, he has sent the reporter a personal note expressing his profound regret.”
The public has no knowledge of the content of the personal note of regret Ducklo sent to Tara Palmeri.
Psaki was too kind calling it a “heated conversation” which makes it sound mutual (which it certainly wasn’t).
After reflecting over several weeks I now see Psaki’s statement as damage control for the Biden administration. It minimized Ducklo's atrocious behavior toward the female journalist and tried to portray Ducklo as a basically good guy who acted out but then did the right thing.
I have to admit—I was conned. I got seduced by Ducklo’s public statement, which was the first thing I saw related to the situation. I was impressed with his detailed apology and contrition. I didn’t immediately see that the apology was not to Palmeri, but to the White House and the President. While it was an impressive statement, it was a public relations response attempting to save his reputation and his career.
Looking closer, the PR fix-it statement does not mention the person who Ducklo threatened and abused. In my book that makes the statement not only a PR failure but further abuse of journalist Tara Palmeri. Withholding her name would have been appropriate (to not pull her back into the spotlight) but Ducklo should have acknowledged that the behavior he was so embarrassed by was directed at another human being and that it potentially caused serious harm. His statement reads like he simply said some terrible things out loud that he regretted.
I include Ducklo’s statement below because it’s a good example of how to specifically spell out feelings, give details of behavior, and express regret. It contains components of a decent apology but because of the gigantic failure of not mentioning the victim of his offense, I don’t consider it as more than a public relations statement.
In fact, with an even closer look, the statement skillfully makes it all about him. So once again we have an example of an offender making himself the victim. I’m embarrassed to say he fooled me. He fooled me for weeks as I red-penned numerous drafts of this piece. Each time I had a slightly different perspective but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt and was blind to what I see now.
It’s possible the statement was not written by Ducklo. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a public figure getting assistance writing an apology. It’s not ideal, but can be instructive for them, so that the next time they can write their own. It shows that they have enough smarts to understand the need for it and it gets the authentic apology out to the public. He covered all the bases and took the final step of resigning. But again this statement has significant shortcomings and is not a credible apology to the person he harmed.
Below is the text of the image of his statement in his Tweet:
“No words can express my regret, my embarrassment, and my disgust for my behavior. I used language that was abhorrent, disrespectful, and unacceptable. I am devastated to have embarrassed and disappointed my White House colleagues and President Biden, and after a discussion with White House communications leadership tonight, I resigned my position and will not be returning from administrative leave. I know this was terrible. I know I can’t take it back. But I also know I can learn from it and do better. This incident is not representative of who I am as a person, and I will be determined to earn back the trust of everyone I have let down because of my intolerable actions.” — TJ Ducklo
I also take issue with Ducklo’s “This incident is not representative of who I am as a person.”
If Ducklo made all those comments and behaved as aggressively and threateningly as was reported…then that IS who he is. Just because he mostly keeps it under wraps and it only surfaces when he’s backed into a corner, doesn’t make it any less true. We must face our demons and do the personal work needed to manage and eventually dispel those demons. We must understand that what's required of us is more than holding the intention to “never do it again.”
Millions of abusers held the intention and promised to “never do it again.” And millions of abusers have repeatedly failed to keep that promise.
Are you thinking I added commentary that is unrelated to giving an apology? If so let me explain. To understand the big picture of why we hear so few authentic apologies, it’s essential that we not gloss over irresponsible behavior and manipulative messaging. We won’t stand a chance of healing our society if we don’t recognize the broken parts.
An Impressive Apology from February 4, 2021:
This apology is in a different category from most but it’s inspiring to see someone who had an “aha” moment and has the integrity to apologize for all the years he didn’t have that awareness in the past.
Congressional Representative Dean Philips apologizes to the Black community after he has a “lightning bolt” moment of understanding white privilege.
Two Good Apologies
Cher tweeted what she claimed was not an apology, yet she took complete responsibility. She explained that she deleted a Tweet because of what she “Thought of a stupid joke on paper went too far.” She acknowledged that it was wrong and that “there’s a line not to cross.”
Dave Weigel tweeted an excellent apology in February 2020. He told his followers that he deleted an image that he’d tweeted earlier. He explained that it was viewed in a way that he had not intended but acknowledged that “it was a stupid thing to do and I apologize.”
Then there’s Anand Giridharadas — one of the men I most admire. Here’s one of the reasons why. He is mature enough to know when he needs to apologize and he understands how to make a real apology:
What About “Wronging” Someone as Opposed to Making a Mistake?
This is nuanced but the distinction is important.
“As nouns the difference between wrong and mistake is that wrong is something that is immoral or not good while mistake is an error; a blunder.”
As verbs the difference between wrong and mistake is that wrong is to treat unjustly; to injure or harm while mistake is to understand wrongly, taking one thing for another, or someone for someone else.”
Who Are the People Who Cannot or Will Not Admit Mistakes?
Whether they are an average person or a public figure who seems powerful, underneath they likely:
- Lack confidence
- Are insecure
- Are fearful
- Are psychologically defended
- Have puffed up egos (fake confidence)
The Bellwether of a Dysfunctional Society
Why is it that so many people can’t/won’t apologize?
Because they are unable to take responsibility for themselves.
They are unable to take responsibility because they are emotionally immature.
Emotional immaturity can be caused by a complexity of components but is often the result of early life trauma.
Emotionally immature people have limited proficiency in the essential adult relational skills.
The relational skills include self-awareness, empathy, assertiveness, personal boundaries, and emotional self-management.
At least some proficiency in the relational skills is necessary for making an authentic apology.
More About Dysfunction and the Causes of Emotional Immaturity
Some people have experienced the powerlessness of obstacles and inequities (due to gender, color, class, physical ability, sexual orientation, etc). For those people, it can be more difficult to understand what is their responsibility. That’s not to let them off the hook — it’s simply an acknowledgment that our society’s inequities can have an impact.
Others, especially those with means may have never been required to take responsibility for themselves. They may have always been bailed out of tight spots. No matter the level of wealth or privilege, however, experiences of childhood neglect, abuse, and poor role models can result in the same or greater trauma that can impede emotional development.
Emotional development will also be lower if any form of addiction is present.
The final piece of the emotional immaturity puzzle is the lack of essential skills — the relational skills. That wonderful medley of skills under the umbrella of “communication” that includes self-awareness, empathy, assertiveness, personal boundaries, and emotional self-management.
These skills can improve one's interactions with people in all areas of life and help refine apology skills. The good news is that most people can learn them. These Relational Skills essays offer a starting place for that learning.
Some people, however, are incapable of learning these skills. Maybe you’ve heard of people who are “unteachable” — those who are incapable of admitting any shortcomings and who are therefore unwilling to accept guidance.
Guidelines for an Authentic Apology
Our job as an adult is to take responsibility for our actions. Apologies are only one aspect of taking personal responsibility, but it’s an important one.
When we’ve done something that significantly impacts another person, we need to listen to them, validate their experience and own our behavior.
There are certainly times when we may be accused of an infraction we did not commit or that is exaggerated, but it’s my sense that 95% of the time the person we offended had a valid experience and we need to take it seriously. There might be parts of what they perceived that aren’t quite on track but we can take that into account when we act to resolve the situation. Conflict Resolution Skills will come in handy in some situations.
There are also people who easily feel hurt or take things too personally —those who get upset whenever we set a limit with them. That’s another conversation that is specifically related to personal boundaries — and while the boundary aspect adds another layer to the complexity of the situation, an apology of some sort may still be wise.
Depending on your relationship with the person and the details of the situation, it’s best to not ignore someone’s distress except when a strictly held boundary is appropriate for your own safety. When someone over-reacts to something that was a limit rather than an offense, use the opportunity to explain what you did and why. It’s likely also the perfect moment for that person to examine their triggers and see a broader reality.
The Authentic Apology Formula
Below are instructions for each essential element of a proper apology. Some elements of this formula will overlap so you may not need a separate statement for each one. They are featured separately here for instructional purposes. (full examples are included at the end)
Get Clarity Before You Make Your Apology
Perhaps you know that someone is upset with you but you’re not exactly clear what you did to upset them, or perhaps you don’t agree that what you did was wrong. In either case, you can start by having a conversation with them to gain an understanding of their perspective.
Sometimes a conversation is not possible or appropriate. Or maybe that person refuses to talk to you. In that situation try to get input from others who have knowledge of the interaction - not to get them on your side, but for another perspective that may be helpful.
Once you have the clarity you need, begin with these steps:
A. Describe Exactly What You Did
Get as specific as you can, explaining what happened from your perspective.
“When I _______________, ”
“I know that I ______________, and it was ___________. ”
“I know that I didn’t do what I agreed to do regarding ________________, and I can see why that upset you.”
B. State Why What You Did Was Wrong and The Impact It Had
It’s essential that you communicate to the person you offended that you understand what was wrong with your behavior. This step shows your sincerity and lets the person know that you “get” it.
“What I did was (wrong/a mistake) because _________.”
(say exactly why it was wrong)
Don’t say something like “I know I was an idiot…” unless you then describe what you mean by that. Get specific.
Find the most appropriate adjectives to describe what you did. Say it was wrong, inconsiderate, irresponsible, cruel, clueless, aggressive, etc.
“I know that was insensitive. I acted childishly and said hurtful things.”
“I was inconsiderate. I apologize for not showing up when I said I would and for not calling.”
“It wasn’t until later when I saw how upset you were, that I realized how hard it was for you to attend that event. I should have never talked you into going once I knew your ex-boss would be there. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”
“I’m sorry for what I said about your project during the meeting. My comments were rude and impulsive. You worked hard and it’s been a great success. I should’ve been more thoughtful and not mentioned the one part that troubled me. It’s a minor issue and I let my ego get the better of me. Please accept my apology. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of the staff. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
C. Say You’re Sorry (if you haven’t yet)
Yes, you need to come out and say it:
“I apologize for __________” (be specific)
“I am sorry that I ________” (be specific)
Notice the statement is “I am sorry that I ______ .” (what you did)
and is not “I am sorry that you ______ .” (shifting responsibility away from yourself doesn’t cut it.)
If you say “I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I said.” It’s not an apology. It’s BS.
D. Explain What You Will Do to Make Amends
This is the nuts and bolts of taking responsibility — and may require a little effort on your part. Tell the receiver what you will do to straighten out the situation, make up for it, and to keep it from happening again.
“I’m going to practice slowing down and not blurting out insensitive comments.”
“I made an appointment with the HR director to talk about the repercussions of my indiscretion with our client.”
“I know I spend too much money. I have a long-standing habit of impulsive buying but now that we’re married I have to consider you and our future. I get it that making promises to do better isn’t going to cut it. I made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in work with compulsive spenders. I’m making a commitment to work with him for at least 3 months. I’m also going to attend a Debtors Anonymous meeting this week with a friend from work. I’ve read the DA literature and it’s not only a place for support but also accountability. They have great practical tools I can use — like a Spending Plan.”
That’s the formula.
Here are a few additional thoughts on the process:
Your Apology Must be Satisfactory to the Receiver
If it isn’t then you missed something. Maybe you skipped a step or it wasn’t completely sincere. Almost anyone can recognize a forced apology.
The receiver needs to experience it as authentic — they don’t necessarily need to fully accept it or forgive you, but if they say something like “What a bunch of bull!” you’ve got more work to do on your real apology.
Forgiveness? (you might be forgiven — but don’t ask for it)
Some professional coaches and therapists who provide apology advice say you should ask for forgiveness.
I disagree. I think asking for forgiveness unfairly puts the person on the spot. Making that request can too easily be perceived as a guilt trip.
It’s your choice as the apologizer but I recommend against it. At least don’t do it at the time when you are apologizing — it’s not the appropriate moment. Offer your full apology and get complete with that first.
Give yourself time to reflect on the situation and for the dust to settle.
Give the receiver some time and space. They may forgive you without you asking. If that happens you’ll know that their forgiveness is authentic and not given because they felt pressured or couldn’t say no.
A well-presented full apology might inspire forgiveness. Even if the person doesn’t specifically say “I forgive you,” you’ll likely know if they have.
Mostly, remember this process isn’t about meeting your needs, it’s about making amends and cleaning up any mess you made (no matter how small).
If you feel a strong need to be forgiven or a strong need to ask the person to forgive you, pause and sit with that urge for a few days.
Ask yourself “What is the exact need I’m feeling? “How can I meet that need on my own?” Take care of yourself without imposing on the other person.
If what I suggested raises your hackles, you’ll want to read about personal boundaries. There they are again- those pesky boundaries! Almost everyone can benefit from learning more about boundaries.
I’m Not Sure We Should Ever Ask for Forgiveness.
I don’t think it’s our place to make that request. Our responsibility is to give a full and authentic apology. It’s up to the other person to decide if and when to forgive us (and even whether they ever want to tell us they have forgiven us).
APOLOGY EXAMPLE #1
“I wanted to talk to you about today’s meeting. I think I talked too much and dominated the discussion about the new marketing campaign.”
“I apologize for taking up too much time and for interrupting you several times.”
“I’m very invested in this project and feel so passionate about it. I don’t say that as an excuse but just part of an explanation. But I see now that I was inconsiderate to you and others and I’m sorry for that.”
“I plan to work on this. I need to learn more about group process and how to be a better participant. I mostly need to slow down and tune in so that I can be more aware of myself. It will help me manage my excitement. I want to have a greater awareness of the whole group — to listen more and share the stage.”
APOLOGY EXAMPLE #2
“I want to apologize to the entire staff for my outburst at our last meeting. I was verbally aggressive and accused the facilitator of doing a lousy job.”
“So I want to apologize publicly to her also. I was out of line.”
“I was upset that my agenda item was last and we were running short on time. I should have calmy spoken up earlier — I could have asked if my agenda item could be discussed sooner. But I waited and then flew off the handle.”
“I feel embarrassed. I’m not sure why I reacted so intensely. I had no right to go ballistic or to point the finger at the facilitator.”
“I’m going to spend some time reflecting on what triggered me and how I could have handled the situation differently.”
APOLOGY EXAMPLE #3
“I didn’t fully realize this until I got home but I think I was a bit rude to your sister last night and I want to apologize for that.”
“I can get carried away with my oneliner jokes and sometimes I say the wrong thing. So I’m checking in with you. Was I totally out of line?”
“Did she say anything to you about it? I’m sorry if I hurt her feelings. I will apologize to her unless you think it’s better to not bring it up since it’s something she’s sensitive about. I don’t want to make it worse by re-opening the wound.”
“I will try to be more aware in the future and filter my comments.”
APOLOGY EXAMPLE #4
“I want to apologize for being short with you when you called earlier.”
“I was in the middle of something and wasn’t feeling very patient. I think I took it out on you and didn’t give you a chance to say much before I ended the call.”
“So I’m reaching out now to say that I’m sorry and check on how you are doing now that I can give you my full attention.”
This piece would have ended here but a compelling apology soundbite found me in the nick of time.
Finishing my final edit I decided to go for a walk before I hit “publish.” Making a seemingly random choice I listened to the March 25th episode of Kara Swisher’s Sway Podcast— an interview with Glennon Doyle. Thirty minutes in Glennon stated, “When the internet gets mad at me I feel sad.”
She shared about a Tweet she got called out for. Here are excerpts:
Glennon Doyle: “I do get to the point sometimes where I feel like it’s a cage. And that’s usually when I have put something out there that makes people mad at me. When the internet gets mad at me, I feel sad.”
Kara Swisher: “Really? When do they get mad at you?”
Glennon Doyle: “Listen, Kara, yesterday, I said something completely dumb-ass.”
Kara Swisher: “What did you do?”
Glennon Doyle: “I said something on Twitter yesterday about the annoyance of people being late. And wow, I mean, what happened was a whole hell of a lot of people said this is completely ableist. And so this community focused on neurodiversity came to me, and people usually give me a lot of grace and they’ll explain themselves in ways that are kind. But people called me on it, and I felt sad and misunderstood and embarrassed, really. And so what happens when I feel that way is, I turn to Abby and say, I hate the internet. I hate everything. No one understands me. And now it lasts me about — I don’t know — 13 minutes. And then I think, shit, I made a mistake. I do have something to learn here, and they’re right. And then at the end of the night, I retweeted my dumb-ass tweet with the whole thread so that other people — look, here, I fucked up.”
Kara Swisher: “There’s not a lot of forgiveness online these days, though, is there?”
Glennon Doyle: “There’s not. But here’s what I seriously believe. If I had to put one mandatory class in each elementary school, it would be let’s teach people how to listen to each other, and also, let’s teach a class on apologizing. Because nobody freaking knows how to apologize. And there’s this magic sauce in a true apology that disarms people and surprises people like no other.”
I couldn’t agree more Glennon. That’s why I wrote this piece. May it serve as a resource that helps people learn how to apologize.
Christine Green coaches Individuals & Business Professionals how to:
* improve their authentic apology skills.
* develop the relational skills of Assertiveness, Boundaries, Emotional Self-management, Handling Anger, and Conflict Resolution She also consults with organizations on Procedural Skills - Decision Making, Policy Development and Group Process.
