Asking for Consent Goes Against Human Nature

It’s time to move beyond our primitive fear of rejection and nurture conscious connection instead

Co-authored by Emily Polak, PhD and Effy Blue

The topic of consent is on everyone’s mind these days. With new accusations of assault and harassment coming out all the time, it is worthwhile to think about why people don’t ask for consent. While at least partly an issue of what we are taught is acceptable behavior, the idea of opening oneself up to rejection is something humans don’t do easily. It is beneficial to think about this issue in the context of evolution.

As accomplished and independent as the modern human is, we evolved to live in cooperative societies. It is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. This is because, for most of human history, we depended on those groups for survival. Group living was the structure that kept us safe.

During the time of the caveman, you couldn’t survive in the wild on your own. In order to sleep, you needed someone to keep watch. If you weren’t the strongest or the fastest, you still got to eat. If you were rejected from your pack and had to survive on your own, there was a very real danger that you would get eaten by a saber tooth tiger. So for self-protection, we fear rejection just as we fear the dark, as real threats to our survival.

We are programmed to survive. All the systems in our bodies are designed to maximize the likelihood of survival. Our reptile brains, consisting of the brainstem and the cerebellum, literally equate rejection with death. Asking for consent is opening the door to rejection. Society is asking people to voluntarily introduce something they fear most, expecting them to put themselves out there to be rejected. This is a big ask.

Here is the thing though. We live in the 21st century in apartment buildings or houses with locked doors and not a single saber tooth tiger in sight. Food is available at every corner, or even can be delivered right to your home. We do not need a pack to survive. To thrive maybe, but not to survive.

The human brain has evolved since the time of the caveman. We now have a well-developed neocortex, which is flexible and has almost infinite learning abilities. The fear that once ensured our survival is no longer functional. Yet it is still there. We still operate as if the threat is real. We avoid situations in which we may be rejected so we don’t ask for consent. We don’t want to introduce the possibility of rejection if we can avoid it.

It is time we realize that nobody dies from rejection anymore. It is often uncomfortable, as it invokes a deep primeval fear, but the threat is not real.

How do we get over this fear? Through exposure to the feared experience, which rewires the brain. We need to give these flexible, powerful brains of ours new experiences from which to learn. We need to start asking for consent, get rejected, and then tell ourselves, “I am alive, I am okay.” And the next day, still alive, still okay.

A major concern about asking for consent is how to handle that awkward moment when the other person says “No.” Sometimes there’s a sinking feeling or an awkward pause in the conversation and you’re just not sure how to proceed. In this situation, try to recognize that the other person’s “No” is actually just them taking care of themselves and therefore try not to take it personally.

It can be useful to have language ready for situations like this. We are due for a new adaptation of social graces around this topic, similar to the protocol of saying “Thank you” and “You’re welcome.” When someone says no to your request, rather than focusing on feelings of embarrassment, you can acknowledge them, saying “Thank you for taking care of yourself,” or “Thank you for doing what’s right for you.” Rejection can, therefore, be an opportunity to practice empathy and compassion. This transforms a potentially hurtful situation into something positive.

So go out there and ask for consent again and again. Sometimes you’ll get a yes and sometimes a no, but ultimately, nobody will die. And you might even end up turning a rejection into an experience of personal growth and greater connection.