Being Nice is Bullshit
Co-authored by Emily Polak, PhD and Effy Blue
We often think of being nice as a positive, highly regarded way of being. Parents tell their kids, “Be nice to others.” Acting with the goal of being nice, however, doesn’t serve the giver or the receiver.
There seem to be three main motivations for being nice.
The first is ego-based and is about manipulating situations so you look good. It prioritizes how you are perceived over what is considerate. It is about pleasing people and being liked in order to feel good about yourself. It’s essentially emotional masturbation. An example of egocentric niceness is buying flowers for a partner not because it will make them happy but because you know it will make you look good.
The second function is not upsetting the other person. You might think that not making your partner feel bad is a worthwhile goal but when you prioritize not offending over sharing your truth, you end up doing both of you a disservice. For example, let’s say you and your partner are invited to a potluck dinner, and your partner decided to cook a dish that he asks you to try. You try it and think it tastes terrible. A nice response would be saying it’s good so as not to hurt his feelings but then you are potentially exposing him to public embarrassment later when no one eats the dish.
Finally, nice is also about avoiding rejection. Fear of rejection is an evolutionarily-based reality. We believe that if we are perceived as nice and do as they wish, our partners won’t reject us. For example, you might have sex with your partner when you’re not in the mood because you don’t want them to leave you. In doing this, you end up sacrificing true intimacy.
Being nice may serve some functions but it also has many costs — like missing out on connections, failing to communicate boundaries, and being out of integrity.
For one, being nice prevents healthy, deep connections with others because it doesn’t allow for heartfelt communication. It inhibits us from expressing our authentic feelings in our relationships, which often results in feelings of isolation. It is easy to get wrapped up in not hurting your partner rather than just getting your real feelings out there. This can make expressing a challenging thought or feeling even more difficult. Being nice is the number two reason why we struggle to state our boundaries. (The number one reason is not knowing what our boundaries are.)
For most of us, being nice feels so important that we agree to do things we don’t want to do. In relationships, we endure discomfort, dissatisfaction, frustration, and more, which can cause resentment and can get displaced onto others. This results in being out of integrity, or not living from our values.
Nice is bullshit.
Kindness, on the other hand, is key.
Kindness is about being willing to tolerate the discomfort of saying something negative that you know might be perceived as hurtful. It is about acting from a place of compassion regardless of how it makes you look or feel. Kind people are able to communicate their boundaries, needs, and feelings because they are not worried about external approval.
Kindness is about empathy, not about being liked or popular. In fact, kindness can sometimes be quite unpopular. It can even make people angry.
For example, if a person asks you on a date and you’re not interested in them, a nice response would be to say “I wish I could but I’m busy” with the intention of sparing their feelings. The kind thing, on the other hand, is to communicate honestly and with compassion that you’re not interested in dating them, thus not giving false hope and preventing subsequent disappointment.
Further, faking an orgasm can seem like a nice thing to do to make the other person feel good in the short term but it would be kinder to communicate about your true experience of what does and doesn’t work for you sexually. This will allow the other person to learn and grow and give them an opportunity to meet your needs.
A 2014 article in The Atlantic entitled Masters of Love cites evidence that lasting relationships come down to two types of behavior — kindness and generosity. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples to figure out what makes relationships work and came to this conclusion. “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
In an intimate relationship, it’s important to establish a foundation of kindness so there’s room for communication of boundaries as well as discussion when difficult conversations are necessary.
Don’t mistake nice for kind. Niceness is about not upsetting the other person while kindness is about supporting them. This is an important distinction to bear in mind as you navigate relationships, especially those with romantic partners.
Nice is bullshit. So next time you find yourself thinking about how you can be nice, consider the cost and aim for kind instead.
