An Intro to Online Dating
Its more like Real Life Dating than you think
As a self-proclaimed online dating superuser, friends often ask me for advice. What site should they join? What do you write about in the “About Me” section? How do you successfully communicate with people you are interested in? The same people who use Facebook every day are stumped by online dating. Online dating is like any other social networking site, except that instead of connecting with friends or colleagues, you’re looking for dates.
“Online dating” is a misnomer. “Meeting people online” is more accurate. You don’t actually date these people online. You meet them online and date them in the real world. In Real Life Dating, you see them across the bar, find them physically attractive, make a brief attempt to figure out if they are what you are looking for, then you initiate or respond to overtures of interest. It works the same way online, except that you don’t have to do your makeup to check out the selection.
We know how to use social media and we know how to date. Combine that knowledge with basic online dating etiquette and you’ll find that online dating is easier than it looks.
Be Truthful: The Importance of Photos
The first thing we notice about people is their physical appearance (duh). There is a reason that you dress up for interviews or for a night out on the town. Its no different online—the most important part of your online dating profile is your photos.
You should show a variety of photos, including full-body and full-face (no sunglasses) shots. These photos should be recent (it helps to include rough dates in the caption) and should accurately represent what you look like.
If you do not look like your photos, you will not get a second date. You might not even get the entire first date. This is a form of lying and your mother would be ashamed of you. You are looking for someone who is interested in you, whatever you look like these days.
Insider Tip: If you want to be extremely physically selective (I am), you need to pay extra attention to your photographs. You are not allowed to judge another online user for being “overweight” if you don’t have any full body pictures yourself.
Be Selfish: About You/What You’re Looking For Online
You are able to be very up-front about what you are looking for online. This can include physical characteristics, politics, religion, diet, ethics, or lifestyle. You are expected to tolerate people who are different from you except when you are choosing friends and lovers. Your dating life is not an equal opportunity employer. But—
Don’t be rude. Rude people don’t get dates.
Just like the photos, your “About Me” and “What You’re Looking For” should both accurately represent who you are and what you want. If you are looking for casual relationships, you don’t want to waste your time talking to people looking for a lifetime relationship, and vice versa. This is tool to help you find compatible matches. Use it wisely.
Insider Tip: You can make non-PC statements in a PC way in order to accurately describe who you are and what you want. People don’t have a right to be offended (and they usually aren’t) if they don’t fit your description. You’ve saved them and yourself time by being honest.
Be Respectful: Initiating and Responding to Messages
It is important that you respond to people who take time and effort to write you, even if you don’t think you are a good match. If a guy offered to buy you a drink at the bar, you wouldn’t ignore him. You would say, “No, thanks.” Offer the same courtesy online.
The only exception is the mass-produced messages that some people send. If the message you received is a simple “Hi, how are you?” or a similarly generic note, you are not obligated to respond. If they did not take the time and effort to express why they think you are a good match, you do not need to fill in the gaps (unless you want to). Also, do not send mass-produced messages. I call those people “trolls” and I do not respond to online dating spam.
Insider Tip: It is as simple as “Thanks for your message. I don’t think we’re a good fit right now, but best of luck in your search!”
Choosing a Website
Free websites are a great place to get started—and may be all you need. Paid websites will offer a better selection of that website’s target market. For example, if you are looking for your soulmate and you want to get married and have kids, you may want to join Match. If you’re just looking to have a good time, you might like a swinger site. If you hate talking online and want to get offline as fast as possible, HowAboutWe is the Twitter of dating websites. My advice remains the same, regardless of which site you choose.
Insider Tip: I like OKCupid—I have met people on that site who went on to be both friends and lovers. And its free.
Remember, you’re online looking to meet people because its fun. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You don’t have to respond to everything right away and you don’t have to login all the time. Online dating happens at your speed. Set it to something comfortable.
The last piece of advice I will leave you with is this—test your profile. If you are not getting good matches, add/delete/modify until you create a profile that elicits the responses that you want.
Good luck and happy hunting!
