I got here all by myself

I’m on my back in a booth at Colette’s, an on-premise swingers’ club in the French Quarter. This sweaty hunk is grinding on top of me, making his sex face, and it’s fucking beautiful. The spectators also seem to be enjoying themselves. This is the second time we’ve hung out — his first time at a swing club. I am a liberal pagan pansexual nonmonogamist. I am a heathen’s heathen. You’d never know I was raised fundamentalist Christian, homeschooled, and sheltered until I left home at 18. How did I get here?

I am the oldest of six children born and bred to be evangelical apologists. Sex ed does not really exist in fundamentalist Christian home schooling. Consent and pleasure are not taught. Abstinence and offspring are served with a side of guilt and male ownership. I always hated that fathers “gave away” their daughters to their husbands at the same time that the woman was allowed to have sex. Some “normal” people say it’s just a tradition, but that tradition is patriarchal horseshit. Oh, and masturbation is evil because every sperm is sacred.

They don’t tell you that the female body aborts fetuses that are not viable and the pregnancy passes like a heavy period. They don’t tell you that the clitoris serves no reproductive function, it is strictly for pleasure. They don’t tell you that the default human sex is female. They don’t tell you that your husband (boyfriend, fiancé) can rape you, because it is assumed that married women want sex. Everything they tell you about sex is a lie or a partial truth, maliciously created to control you. I believe that people know this is wrong, but they are too scared or brainwashed to question it.

I learned a lot about sexuality from Dita Von Teese, the modern pinup and burlesque dancer. Dita’s sexuality is independent of a partner. It is also drama and performance, which contributed to my exhibitionism. She taught me about heels and stockings, that it’s ok to feel sexy, and that it’s ok to be sexual. She is still a role model for me today. But most of what I know about sexuality I learned through experience, all by myself.

I came out as nonmonogamous about 2 years ago. The first time I had sex with two guys in one week I felt excited and guilty. I consciously dismantled what I had been brainwashed to believe about love and sex. It was irrational to feel guilty about that — I didn’t owe either of those guys anything and they both knew I was seeing other people. It is still exciting to sleep with new people, but I don’t level up with two new guys in a week anymore. I level up with new experiences and I no longer count bodies.

I’ve had sex with men and women, group sex, anal sex, oral sex, cybersex, sex with toys, sex on camera, sex in public, sex in a car, hammock, tent, against a fence, on the beach, on a balcony, sex on a first date, sex in costume, in stripper shoes, with a stripper, sex with married people, sex with a virgin. I’ve accomplished a lot in the last decade. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19.

I was drunk in a dorm shower with a guy who had dumped me a week earlier. He didn’t remember having sex and accused me of lying the next day when I wanted to talk about it. Later, I was engaged to an abusive alcoholic — not my first abusive relationship, but definitely my last. I’ve cohabitated with two guys and both breakups felt and looked like divorces. Thankfully, I never became pregnant and I never had to worry about kids. I didn’t end up in these situations because I’m stupid or reckless. This happened because nobody told me the truth.

I couldn’t tell my mother that I had lost my virginity because I would have been berated for having sex. Years later, my father callously mentioned that he knew I’d slept with somebody before I told them, like I had inevitably screwed up was hurting because I screwed up. I’m hurting because a guy hurt me. This light victim-blaming became heavy victim-blaming towards the end of my relationship with my abusive ex-fiance. My parents have not been positive or helpful when it comes to my love life, whether its romance or sex.

I’m not close with any extended family or family friends. I’ve never considered anyone a mentor. I did have peers, friends who went through the same shit. About half the advice they gave me was good. The other half was meaningless or harmful. I’ve done a better job in recent years of choosing which advice and individuals to listen to. I’m grateful for the people that I had, even if they were only in my life temporarily. But ultimately, I’ve done everything myself.

I have gone through more trial and error that should have been necessary. I read books, I experiment. I have sex. I see how I feel. This is my story: how I left fundamentalist Christianity for hedonism through by doing it. This is how I did it, all by my fucking self.

Reposted from: http://myfuckingself.wordpress.com/