Jealousy is like Masturbation
It doesn’t help you have great sex
Blake photographs car meets. These photos often include the half-naked women posing next to the cars. His girlfriend resents these photos and the discussion recently went public on Facebook. The friends who sided with the girlfriend argued that Blake was disrespectful and insensitive of her feelings. She was jealous of the women in the photos. I sided with Blake. I don’t think she has a legitimate complaint.
Most jealousy-fueled fights, like this one, are based on an invisible set of rules. It is assumed that both parties understand and agree to these invisible rules. Logically, this is the equivalent of a Christian making morality arguments based on the Bible while debating a Buddhist Monk. The Monk does not accept the Bible as his moral law, rendering the Christian’s arguments invalid.
Men and women are equally guilty of appealing to the invisible relationship rules, and using the rules as an excuse to be mad. This might temporarily make the offended party feel better, but it breaks the trust and respect in the relationship.
Instead of thoughtfully considering what is actually happening, the jealous party bases an emotional argument on invisible rules that is logically unstable and emotionally unhelpful.
Jealousy occurs when one feels inadequate. This feeling of inadequacy is caused by someone or something else interacting with one’s partner in a way that is seen as a threat. The threat causes fear and anger. The intent of the someone or something interacting with one’s partner doesn’t matter. The partner is blamed for the negative feelings experienced, and a jealous fight ensues.
The first problem is the pervasive notion that we need to find a “one and only.” If we need a one-and-only, we are more likely to try to change the existing partner to get more of the options that we want, instead of accepting the model off the block. People are not cars. You cannot customize your partner. You must accept your partner for who he or she is, without any intent to change.
The second problem is the juvenile reaction to seeing a partner happy. Instead of being happy because your partner is happy, the jealous party is offended by that happiness. If your best friend was promoted at work, is it appropriate for you to be angry with them because your friendship “isn’t enough”? That’s absurd. Reacting jealously to something that makes your partner happy is equally as absurd.
Polyamorists believe in compersion—being happy because your partner is happy. Compersion is almost vicarious in nature, and in it’s polyamorous capacity means taking pleasure in your partner being happy with other partners sexually. Parents experience compersion when their children are happy. This can and should be extrapolated to a sexual relationship with a partner.
What need is being met? Is it something you can and want to give your partner? You only have two choices—be happy or participate. Participation is not always an option. Your partner most likely has needs that he or she needs someone else to meet, even if you believe you are capable of doing so. Happiness is always an option.
If you cannot meet all of your partners’ needs and you are supposed to be happy for him or her, then someone or something else will need to meet some of those needs and you should be happy about it.
In Blake’s case, his girlfriend can get in on the action and pose with the cars or she can step back and appreciate that her partner enjoys his hobby. Being mad at the photos is not an option because it isn’t logical or productive. Jealousy is not a healthy part of a balanced relationship. Like masturbation, it feel good for a minute, but it doesn’t improve your relationship.
Maintaining an intimate connection with a partner requires communication, trust, and respect. Invisible relationship rules and jealousy fail in all three categories. If you want better sex, you need to be happy for your partner, not threatened because he or she has needs. Accept that you cannot be ALL THE THINGS for your partner, and you will be much happier as an individual and as a couple.
Like the great Bob Marley said, “Don’t worry, be happy.”
