There are a lot of factors in dating. Hair, height, frame, build, skin, etc. Regardless of your genetic lottery winnings, your dating life probably funnels down to one thing:
Why? It’s really difficult to find someone you genuinely care about. Crushes are simple and fun. Bumping uglies? Easier or harder — depending on who you ask. But, real enduring care for someone? Insanely hard.
It doesn’t really matter whether you’re a George Clooney stand in or a George Burns skin molt. If you’re Clooney-esque, being handsome buys you some free chit chat. After that? We’re all essentially playing the same game. Rubbing the puzzle edges together; Searching for a fit.
That means rejection. A whole boat load of it. If you aren’t comfortable with it yet, buckle up. Here’s what I’ve learned as a single dude playing the Numbers.
First: Like her? Then ask her
If only I could travel back in time and talk to teenage me. The amount of wasted energy trying to divine, “Does she like me? I shouldn’t ask her out if she doesn’t like me.”
Dude, No. As soon as you know you like someone, ask them out.
But, isn’t that like, a burden to other people? Shut up, youthful-stupid version of me. Getting asked out is super flattering. Worst case, you‘re making that person feel great. Wait, really? Yeah. Really.
Imagine being asked out. You politely decline (think of any reason, why). What do you feel? I don’t know about you, but I immediately feel great. Maybe a tinge of awkwardness, but someone was interested in me! Someone made me feel wanted. And, that’s the worst case. Best case you’ve got a date.
I mean, there is of course another worst case — a total freak out by the recipient. Let’s cover that later.
Second: Quit your crush
This is another point I wish I could’ve dished over to teenage Paul. Don’t waste your time on crushes.
This barista, Jane, makes me coffee every morning. She’s really cute. She’s athletic, thoughtful, and artistic. You guys. You gotta see the ferns, hearts, and other stuff that shows up in my milk foam.
She sounds great! Except, how long have I been pining for her? How many other girls have I ignored while day-dreaming about Jane? We have these short exchanges while my cappuccino’s brewing. It’s brief, but dude when I’m talking to her I get this feeling. You know? She’s really special. She could be the one.
Ok, so she might be the one. Odds are, surely she isn’t. Frankly, I don’t know much about her. I’m filling in blanks about her personality like a crossword puzzle — in the most optimistic way. When I actually sit down and talk to her, A LOT of those penciled in answers are getting erased.
So, here’s some advice: Quit your crush. Start asking people out. Go on actual dates. Have authentic conversations.
If it’s reasonable, ask Jane out. If not, oh well. You’ll still see her. She can still light up your day. Just don’t allow her to hold your romantic attention longer than it takes the cappuccino to brew.
Third: Be honest, rejection sucks
Rejection sucks. It’s necessary. But dangit, it sucks.
I mean, occasionally I’m happy about it. “Woah, I didn’t realize how unstable she was…”.
The majority of the time I hate it. The good news is, the more you do it, the less it stings. Think about any form of therapy. Scared of flying? Your therapy probably involves repeated exposure to flight. Until one day, maybe, you actually board a plane!
The key is to expose yourself in ways that feel safe. Going flying as your first exposure is also traumatic. So, don’t do that either. Take measured steps.
Be honest about where you are (ie ‘This does suck’) and then to do what you can to put yourself out there anyways. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in pity. Don’t push yourself beyond your boundaries either. Find the happy medium.
When you’re bummed about dating, be honest and call your friends up for a beer ‘n bitch-fest. Blow off steam.
Then start asking people out again; As soon as possible.
The Worst Case is actually much worse, right?
Dumb-kid version of me used to get really worked up over worst case rejection scenarios. Asking Jane out. Having it totally ruin Jane’s day. Man, every conversation with Jane is going to be super awkward from now on.
Until that sort of fiasco actually happened. And, it honestly wasn’t that big a deal.
Worst case in my head was a response of utter revulsion. “Ew, god NO! I can’t believe you’d think… ugh! Jill! You’ve got to hear this…” Which, I’ve definitely gotten.
When that happens, I laugh. It’s an unhealthy perspective (shows zero empathy). And, it means I dodged a HUGE bullet. Do I really want to date that girl? Sure don’t. I get the feeling she won’t be all that great at reciprocating affection. That’s a pretty important part of relationships.
Plainly stated, anything less than “Aw shucks, this is kind of awkward, thanks — but, no thanks” is a character flaw.
Let’s get even more plain. Let’s get vanilla.
You’re doing a solid when you ask someone out. To yourself, and to them. They feel great, and you don’t hem and haw over “Does she like me? Or, doesn’t she?”
And when they say, “No thank you!” that’s all there is to it. Accept the rejection, and graciously move onto the next. You’ll kick the dirt in frustration, and then like that — be totally over it, ready to continue playing the numbers game.
There aren’t any “tricks” to dating. We’re all rubbing puzzle pieces together, hoping the edges will fit.
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