Red Flags in a Partner
The power of blindness when we are in love is unbelievable. You meet a person and you consider them the perfect entity — this otherworldly creature that was made with no flaws whatsoever. But that is simply because we are in a so-called honeymoon phase. When you start going out with a new person, your brain is filled with dopamine and adrenaline, so you reject any bad things that they ever did. It’s only after a few months that the reality hits you and you realize what you have gotten yourself into. To avoid that, here are the red flags that are absolutely essential to look out for if you want to have a non-toxic relationship:
Jealousy
A tough one, because everyone is jealous a little bit. Well not everyone, but most people are. So you should just leave your partner if they show a little bit of jealousy here and there? No, of course not. But you should leave your partner if they continue showing that jealousy over trivial things and if they ultimately start to forbid you to hang out with your friends or get mad as soon as you look at another person. In the honeymoon phase, when your partner shows jealousy it’s all cute to you because you are so in love, but be careful with that; see how often they are jealous and over what things they are jealous. I had a girlfriend who was sometimes jealous of my male friends. That… that was a weird experience I have to say.
Family issues / bad childhood
Someone who doesn’t have a nice relationship with a parent or both parents definitely has some childhood problems or traumas buried deep inside. I have seen it with numerous cases and even dated a few girls who didn’t really have a good relationship with their father; they all had insecurities that stemmed from their childhood. I’m not saying that it’s their fault, I’m just saying you should be careful when dealing with a person like that. Jealousy, insecurity, low self-esteem, gravitation towards drama… all symptoms of bad parenting. Here is a test: Ask a girl or a boy you just started dating what’s his or her relationship with their father. If it’s negative, be vary. If it’s positive, it’s probably good. Depression is an ally of those people, you will often see them in that state.
A love for drama
Some people just love drama. They need it every day and when something bad happens you just see their eyes light up — it feeds them. I know a couple of people who, once we get together, get bored when I talk about positive topics, I could see their interest for the conversation slowly fade away, it’s pretty obvious, and once it’s their turn to talk, they immediately switch to gossiping and talking bad about someone. I did a test once, and after talking about a nice thing, I switched it around and started my next sentence with: “You will not believe what gossip I recently heard.” They quickly sat up with their backs straight, slightly smiled and their eyes perked up, it was so funny to see. Those partners are the ones you should avoid. The number one thing I noticed in partners like that is that they will try to separate you from your friends, either directly telling you that they don’t like them or they will try any form of manipulation to get their way. They will cause rifts between you, lie and manipulate you to start hating your friends, try to give you ultimatums not to hang out with anyone, etc. It’s sad when I see that, and I know some people who stopped talking to their families because of their partners. Run as soon as you spot that.
They talk bad about everyone else
I know a lot of people who just don’t have anything positive to say about anyone. Ever. They meet a new person and immediately say: “Oh, I don’t really like him.” Even though they talked to them for like 10 seconds.
Everyone else always did something bad to them, something always triggers them and they are always right in every argument. This is a very big red flag because soon you might become one of those people that did something bad to them and you might end up broken-hearted. Dating someone like that is stressful and chaotic.
They’ve cheated before
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a cheesy saying, but it definitely holds some truth. If this person left another person for you or has done that in the past with someone else, do not be surprised if you suddenly catch them exchanging saliva with someone who is not you.
Selfishness
One that triggers me the most. These people always want to “win” and want everything to go their way. They have a win-lose mentality and are always looking to gain an upper hand not thinking about anyone else. A person like this will always look for their own interests rather than trying to work together with you to solve the problems you have. It will always be your fault for everything and they are the ones that are perfect. The first sign to look for that is if a person blames every ex for the breakup. It was always the partner’s fault and never theirs. I know of a guy who cheated on his girlfriend, but blamed her for that and was angry when he was told it was his fault. I still remember how hard I wanted to punch him in the face when he was shit-talking her. Good old days.
They love fighting
Seriously, they LOVE fighting. They will always try to stir things up and try to get into an argument with you, this ties with the third point — they just love drama. But trust me, after a while, it will only lower your self-esteem and you will not have the energy to do anything else. Bounce before you get too deep into the relationship. These people will often dig deep into the past and suddenly tell you what you did wrong on December 10th, 2002, just to cause a rift. As friends, they are the same — always digging up the past. They are a time bomb, don’t stick around to watch the explosion.
They are codependent
It might look cute in the beginning when your partner calls you 7 times in an hour, but over time you will lose your mind. If they can’t be without you even for a second, it’s a very bad sign. These types of partners will always try to make you stop going somewhere with your friends, try to stop you from doing your hobbies or anything else just to be with them. Now, this is different from congruence tests that I talked about in a different blog. They will act needy and will message you all the time; double, even triple texting if you don’t respond quickly. A big part of every relationship is also some alone time. If a partner can’t give you that, bounce.
They are flirty with others
What do I mean by that? Well, if they always flirt with the other gender but they act like it’s nothing and they would never cheat, I’d think twice about that. They don’t flirt without a reason. Either they would cheat but didn’t have the opportunity yet, or they are attention seekers which are also bad by itself. I’ve been with a few girls who were like that, it never ended well.
They don’t want others to know about you
I don’t have to explain this. If they are trying to hide you from others, they are either ashamed to be with you or they don’t really want to be in a relationship but are keeping you around just in case. Whatever it is, remove yourself from that situation and live your life with someone who likes you for who you are.
Negativity and depression
Being with a person who is always depressed is really hard. It will drain your energy away and they will never be happy. You can give them the moon and they still won’t be grateful and will think that nobody loves them. It’s hard, but being with a person like that feels like a chore. You should find an optimistic partner.
