What Happens When You Move In With Your Partner After 5 Months
Should you do it?
At the beginning of 2020, I was apartment hunting with my partner. I had grand dreams of finally moving out of my parent’s house, and she had only 2 months to find a new place to live. So, after 4 months of dating and 5 months of knowing each other, we jumped into the search.
“You’re CRAZY”
Her best friend was on the phone, eyes rolling and tongue clucking. “You’ve known each other for like, 2 seconds!”
This was the response I was anticipating from our friends and family. After all, we had just met fairly recently and had only just started saying the big L-word. But something about this relationship just felt different.
Yes, there were financial and logistical reasons for us moving in together; but we talked deeply, on several occasions, about what cohabitation would mean for our relationship. All of the newly-in-love flowery rose-colored glasses aside, we discussed, we listened to each other’s fears, and we wrote down the pros and cons of moving in together. Several times.
Even still, the day we sat down with our apartment complex and signed on the dotted line, I felt fear knot up in my stomach. The day I put my shiny new apartment keys into our door for the first time, with a box of my old favorite novels, I winced.
I. Was. Terrified.
But you know what — it’s been almost exactly a year to that first day, and I’ve never regretted the move. Even after a global pandemic, that forced us to quarantine together for months. Even after my partner lost their job, and began the job hunt again. In fact, this year has been the best year of my life.
What allowed us to make it work?
We opened up about our fears and expectations early on.
Before moving in together, we had several conversations about what moving in together meant. We agreed on a 2 bedroom/850 square foot apartment where we could easily give each other space (should it be necessary). We discussed our fears (What if we broke up? Would our schedules match up?) and expectations (Who would do the dishes? When would we do the laundry?).
We never hid our deeper worries from the other person; so I knew that on that first day, she was scared too. We were scared that moving in together would force insurmountable pressure on our relationship. That the spark would fizzle out immediately, and our personal annoying habits would drive the other away. That we didn’t know each other well enough and might learn that the other person wasn’t all we expected.
But then, a global pandemic hit. All of our worst habits, our anxieties, and our insecurities were on full display in 24/hr quarantine. Yet, our relationship only grew stronger because of it. Talk to your partner and open up the line of communication to your deepest insecurities before agreeing to move in — especially if you’ve only been together a short amount of time. Setting up the expectation of open communication and honesty before signing the lease, made us feel safe and understood throughout the entire first year. Have a long conversation about your fears, expectations, and feelings of excitement; this will only make your partnership stronger.
We discussed finances beforehand, and routinely checked-in with each other.
Finances are a difficult topic for most couples but are a vital aspect of any moving situation. My partner and I discussed all of our thoughts around finances, budgeting, and affordability before moving in together. How will we split the bills? Whose card will be linked to what? What is an ideal rent price-range? What happens if we break up or break our lease?
We shared the amount in our savings accounts and our credit scores with each other. Being this open and honest with another person can be both incredible anxiety-inducing and embarrassing. If you (like me) are paying down student loans that need to be taken into consideration, or just have a swipe-happy mindset with your credit cards, it’s important to be upfront with your partner. You’re both stepping into significant financial expectations through signing a lease together — it’s important to recognize this step with trust, and honesty.
Ultimately, after 6 months of living together, we decided to open up a joint checking account. In this account, we both allocate a specific amount per month for all of our bills — including groceries or other shared shopping expenses. This has allowed us to comfortably pay for expenses without the hassle of multiple cards, and ensure we split costs entirely 50/50. This too may be something you and your partner look into, once you feel more secure and have a better handle on what your living situation looks like.
We shared expectations about pets, friends, and family.
My partner had several pets before moving in with me — a dog, a cat, 3 fish tanks, a rat, an Axolotl, 2 snakes, and a tarantula. Fortunately, she recognized that moving all of these creatures into an 850 square foot apartment was unrealistic. So, she downsized and I happily accepted all of the new critters into our shared space.
We also spoke about our families (should they have a spare key?) and how often we’d be comfortable with friends over. Sure, once the pandemic hit we no longer had to worry about friends or family dropping in unexpectedly, but it was nice establishing a few ground rules. Now, on the rare occasions someone has dropped by, we check in with the other and ensure that the date and time are approved before confirming plans.
It’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries when it comes to your shared space. Having pets that you will likely take shared responsibility for or whether your partner’s mom can drop in every other week, are important things to keep in mind and discuss. While these may seem like small details, in the beginning, these decisions will ultimately impact your day-to-day life and your overall happiness with your partner.
Would I recommend that everyone move in with a partner after only 5 months? No, of course not. But did it end up being the best decision of my life? Absolutely. The tools we gave ourselves, and the building blocks we created, and the trust we put into each other made all the difference.
Moving in with someone for the first time is a huge step, for both your personal growth and for your relationship. It can be emotionally draining at times keeping the door to communication open, and ensuring that everyone is on the same page. But by putting in the effort both before you move in with your partner as well as routinely checking in after you’ve moved in, you’ll be at much better odds to face any difficulties head-on.
