3 Strikingly Different Ways Dating Is Hard for Men and Women

Here’s your hard pill to swallow.

Image by the Author using DALL-E and Canva

“Dating is hard!”

You don’t need to swipe through more than a few TikToks, YouTube shorts, or Instagram Reels to find a man or woman lambasting dating. And usually stabbing a judgmental finger at the opposite gender.

I bet you can finish these sentences:

• All men are _____!
• Where are all the good ___?
• These women are for the _______!

The truth? Dating is hard. It’s always been hard — just for different reasons.

Here Are the Real Reasons Dating Is Hard

I realize that I am a man talking about both a man and a decidedly non-man perspective here, so let me tread lightly.

Since I am a man and have known (and know) thousands of men from all over the world, that’s where I base my male perspective.

I also base my thoughts on what I’ve seen and heard from the women I’ve known all my life. Additionally, on published research and what I’ve heard hundreds of women say themselves both in person and online.

While these reasons may not be true for everyone all the time (few things are), I believe these to be largely accurate for huge pools of the population.

I’m also going to focus on heterosexual dating because that’s the context in which I have all of my experience.

Here are 3 reasons dating is hard:

1. Options
2. Timelines
3. Delusion

1) Dating Is Hard Because of the Options

When I’ve peeled back the surface layer of the comment “dating is hard” from the women I’ve known, it isn’t hard because there are zero options.

There may not be “good” options or “desirable” options but, for example, there are still hundreds of likes and matches on dating apps. In my experience and humble opinion, even average women get above average results.

That’s not to downplay the difficulty of this situation.

It is hard to wade through all those unwanted connections to try to find someone you actually like.

Here’s just one of many examples:

Tiktok by chelseasmom

For the majority of men, on the other hand, “dating is hard” means something very different. Once again, the dating apps give us a great example.

Most men I’ve ever known (Average to slightly above average in looks, income, height, etc.) encounter a ghost town on the apps. There are days, weeks, months, or longer with zero (zip/nada) likes or matches.

So, there is still a problem with options.

Namely, for most men, there is a blackhole lack of any options (desirable or otherwise).

Meanwhile, the small minority of very good looking, tall, and rich guys are flush with matches that they date, fuck, and ghost. Rinse and repeat. In a way, this small group of men have the same problem as the majority of women.

Except, these men are usually much more open to temporary situations with all manner and type of women. They most likely won’t commit (what would be there motivation?) but they will keep a roster of ever-changing women for decades.

Summary:

• Dating is hard for women because of too many options (albeit many unwanted options).
• Dating is hard for men because of a lack of any options.

2) Dating Is Hard Because of Mismatched Timelines

There’s a marked difference in the dating timelines for men and women that makes the dating process complicated and at times, quite frustrating.

As young adults, both men and women often seek experiences and enjoy the sense of freedom that comes with being in their 20s. The pursuit of fun, exploration, and excitement takes precedence over serious commitments.

However, as they age, their outlooks diverge significantly.

Many women aspire to find a partner who is stable, successful, and capable of supporting a family in the future.

They envision a lifestyle filled with all the comforts that a good income can bring — a home, vehicles, vacations, children, and so forth. Yet the reality is that most men don’t attain this level of financial stability and life organization until their 30s or even 40s.

Hence, a substantial number of men delay settling down until they reach a certain threshold in life.

Largely due to a stark lack of dating opportunities. But once they reach their 30s or 40s and have managed to establish their career, increase their income, and perhaps also maintain their health and refine their personality, their dating prospects often widen.

I’ve seen this over and over again — men with very few to absolutely no options (because they are average) until they reach 30 or 40.

A considerable proportion of these older men, especially if they are interested in having children, lean towards younger women in their 20s or early 30s, a time when childbirth is generally less risky.

It’s worth mentioning that many younger women are attracted to older, more established men, thus feeding the age disparity.

Research published on Research Gate supports these ideas.

This leads to an unfortunate disparity in dating timelines. While women may aim to enjoy their 20s and then settle down in their 30s or 40s, men of the same age often seek younger partners.

This dynamic leaves many women in their 30s and 40s facing an uphill battle in the dating arena.

For men, the challenges might be more front-loaded in life, especially if they spend their earlier years establishing their careers and themselves. Usually, this is not entirely by choice.

Summary:

• Dating is hard for women because men their age often date younger women.
• Dating is hard for men because they get very few options (if any) until they reach 30 or 40.

3) Dating Is Hard Because of Delusion

Then there is delusion.

Delusion — defined as a belief maintained despite being contradicted by reality or rational argument — is another factor that complicates dating.

I see many men acting cooler and richer than reality. And I see many women acting as if they are much more attractive (physically and personality-wise) than they are in reality.

Of course, both men and women do both of these things — it’s partly down to human nature.

But, and this is a squat-worthy butt, my experience places more women in the “delusion of attraction” category. There could be many reasons for this delusion.

Perhaps they misinterpret attention for attraction, for instance.

If I got even 30 or 50 likes or matches on a dating app, I wouldn’t be able to squeeze my fat, ego-swollen head through any door in my house. So, I get it.

But attention does not mean attraction, interest, or anything really unless it’s combined with commitment (I want to date you, I want to be exclusive with you, I want to marry you, etc.).

Otherwise, most male attention — even those controversial guy “friends” — really comes down to men just want to bang.

Maybe it’s sad but it’s the truth.

And truth is the bitter antidote to delusion. The reality is that most women are not 10’s in the looks or personality category (Men aren’t, either, for that matter). Many women are trying desperately to date outside of their “league” (if such things exist).

Far too many women chase men who will never commit, make decisions in their 20s that come back to bite them relationship-wise later but do not take accountability.

Yes, it’s your life. Yes, do what you want. I’m not judging. Do you, boo.

However, choices do have consequences. Your past does matter. That’s how life works.

Hard detour: Men are just as delusional just in different ways.

Many men overinflate their own “dating market value” in a number of circumstances. They, too, go after women with too many options to ever choose them.

And that’s probably due (at least in part) to the crazy high standards we all get from dating apps and social media.

This guy talks about it in his TikTok video:

Tiktok video by ohmontaine

Keep in mind that this guy (while not the best angle for the video) talks about a wide range of options so that likely means he gets more options than most men.

Therefore, his dating POV is skewed and does not likely match the experience of the majority of men.

Yet, I do think he’s on to something about the “too high standards.”

While many women might be holding out for the billionaire bad-boy with a heart of gold they read about in romance novels, many men are holding out for the 25-year old pristine virgin who is into 40-year old bald guys with a bad tan and a beer gut.

Neither person is likely to show up because they don’t exist.

We could probably both write a book on delusional defensiveness. When we are faced with a truth that emotionally smacks us in the noggin, most of us don’t react well at all.

But perhaps that’s for another conversation at another time.

Summary:

• Dating is hard for women because of delusional self-assessment, delusional interpretation, and delusional standards.
• Dating is hard for men because of different delusional high standards, self-assessments, and interpretations.

Final Thoughts

While the state of modern dating might be a dumpster fire of trauma, baggage, and unhealed childhood wounds, there is a firehose of hope.

We can face reality, take care of our bodies and personalities, and take accountability for our choices.

There is no rewind button but there is a pause button.

Take a moment to take stock of your life. Where are you on the timeline? What delusions are you accepting? What choices can you make now to avoid dating disasters in the future?

You might not solve all of your problems but it’s a good start.

Thanks for reading!

Get an email whenever Christopher Kokoski publishes.