Slow-Burn: The Sexy Slo-Mo Pace of Shockingly Good Relationships
Healthy connections take time
When I glance back at my relationship history, I see a long pattern of rushed relationships — the adrenaline surge of new “love” tumbling into a hasty coupling.
All too often (perhaps predictably), these relationships crash and burn.
In our fast-paced lives, it can seem like the only option is to microwave our relationships.
But this can lead to serious disappointment down the line.
That’s why it’s worth exploring the pace and benefits of slow-burning relationships.
In this article, we’ll look at the advantages of taking your time to build a strong relationship, and how it can help you create an even deeper connection with the people in your life.
Disclaimer: Slow relationships don’t always fail. Fast relationships can last forever. The speed of your relationship is not a golden predictor of relationship success.
What Are Slow-Burning Relationships?
Slow-burning relationships are a kind of connection that takes time to develop.
Those who choose to take it slow are able to build a stronger and more meaningful relationships than those who rush into things.
Slow-burning relationships offer a number of advantages over rush-based relationships, including the ability to get to know each other on a deeper, more meaningful level.
By taking time to explore each other’s values, likes and dislikes, and life experiences, those in a slow-burning relationship are able to form a deeper understanding of each other.
This understanding allows them to form a closer bond and trust in each other, which ultimately leads to a healthier, more long-lasting relationship.
When done right, a slow-burning relationship can be incredibly beneficial in the long run, creating an unshakeable bond between two people.
Even so, it’s important to remember that slow-burning relationships are not for everyone.
There is no wrong or right way to form a connection with someone.
That said, for those who want to create a strong and lasting bond, slowing down to get to know someone better can be especially beneficial. By taking the time to get to know each other more intimately, couples are able to create a unique and deeply meaningful connection.
What Makes a Slow-Burn Relationship Slow?
Let’s get really concrete: this is what to pace in a slow-burn relationship.
Pace these things:
- Kissing
- Sex
- Meeting friends or family
- How often you see each other
- Any kind of labels (i.e. boyfriend, girlfriends, etc)
- Talk of an exclusive relationship in the first few weeks
All of this doesn’t mean you can’t kiss for six months. A short kiss on the first date is fine.
Making out on the second date is A-Ok.
Sex after a few dates isn’t necessarily rushing. Of course, you can wait longer if you want — even wait until you have an exclusive relationship down the line.
John Van Epp, Ph.D., clinical counselor, and creator of the PICK relationship education program says:
Obviously, some people have sex very early in relationships — that’s a personal decision. But the fact is, we’re all on our best behavior when we’re trying to woo someone. I just advise caution, because sex creates intense feelings of attachment, and real behavior patterns don’t start to emerge until after about three months.
With that said, there are no hard and fast rules for romance.
The important thing is to slow our roll, take time to gradually spend more time together, and escalate emotional and physical intimacy over time.
The Surprising Benefits of Slow-Burning Relationships
When it comes to building meaningful relationships, slow and steady often wins the race.
Slow-burning relationships are those that are built over time and have a much stronger foundation than those that are rushed and can often crash and burn.
But why are slow-burning relationships so important?
Slow-Paced Relationships = Emotional Safe Space
For starters, they provide a safe space for both parties to get to know one another and build trust.
Building a trusting relationship takes time, and jumping into a relationship quickly may not give the opportunity to build trust.
Slow-burning relationships also offer an opportunity to learn about the other person’s values and expectations, as well as discuss topics that may be uncomfortable in a short amount of time.
The benefits of slow-burning relationships don’t end there.
Slow-Burn Relationships = Deeper Understanding
Building a relationship slowly allows both parties to understand each other’s boundaries, build deeper and more meaningful conversations, and create a relationship that is based on authentic and mutual respect.
This translates into a much more fulfilling relationship than one that is rushed into.
By taking the time to get to know someone, both parties can be more confident in the connection they have formed and the future of the relationship.
Slow-Burn Relationships = Stronger Foundation
Ultimately, slow-burning relationships can offer a much stronger foundation for a meaningful connection.
Though it may take time and patience to get there, the rewards are well worth it.
If you’re looking for a healthy and lasting relationship, it’s important to take the time to understand and respect each other, and to really get to know the other person before diving into a relationship.
That’s not to say that slow-paced relationships always last.
Not true.
There are few guarantees in life and love. However, if we’re talking probability, relationships that slow-burn at the beginning usually have more lasting power.
Why Flash-Burn Relationships Sizzle Out
On the other end of the spectrum, relationships that start out fast usually end quickly, too.
There’s a logical reason for this phenomenon.
When two hotheaded people with wildly different personalities get together, it’s like a firework exploding in the night sky — dazzling and beautiful, but all too brief.
According to a 2014 study by Match.com, approximately 73% of one-night stands don’t turn into a long-term relationship.
Passion and love can be electrifying at first, with each hearing red hot sparks when they’re in the same room (or on the same phone call).
But without any give and take, it’s hard to lay down foundations that can sustain that kind of intense heat. Sooner or later, the relationship cools off — fizzling out like fireworks do, leaving those involved still smoldering.
That’s why flash-burn relationships are so often short-lived — but boy, do they provide an exciting show while they last.
How To Get the Most Out of Slow-Burning Relationships
The key to getting the most out of slow-burning relationships is to be patient and nurture the connection over time.
This requires you to invest time and effort in the relationship every day — not just hop in and out when you feel like it. It also means that you need to be open to exploring the relationship in a deeper way and taking the time to get to know the other person.
This could involve having regular conversations, asking thoughtful questions, and sharing personal experiences.
Another important aspect of slow-burning relationships is to patiently build trust.
You can do this by being transparent and honest with the other person, respecting their boundaries, and being understanding of their feelings.
To really stay connected, it’s important to make time to catch up with each other, even when life gets busy.
This could involve sending regular texts, scheduling regular phone calls, or even arranging regular meet-ups.
To get the most out of a slow-burning relationship, it’s important to be conscious of the other person’s needs and expectations and to be mindful of your own.
Ask yourself if you’re in the relationship for the right reasons and if both of you are on the same page.
Once you’ve established a strong foundation of trust, the relationship will be able to grow and develop naturally.
Warning Signs to Watch Out for in Slow-Burning Relationships
While slow-burning relationships are great, you still want to watch out for warning signs that the connection may not be healthy.
Some warning signs to look for:
- One-sidedness in the relationship
- One partner is pushing too fast
- Hyper-focus on physical
- Lack of interest
If one partner is pushing for more too quickly, or if either of you is feeling uncomfortable or pressured, it’s best to slow down and re-evaluate the relationship.
Pay attention to any red flags that come up, such as manipulation, jealousy, or controlling behavior.
If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to take a step back and reconsider how healthy the relationship really is.
Another warning sign to look out for is when one partner is too focused on the physical aspect of the relationship. A healthy relationship should include emotional and intellectual connection as well.
If one partner is pushing for physical intimacy before there is a strong emotional connection, it’s important to re-evaluate the relationship.
It’s also important to recognize when one or both partners simply lack interest. If you pace your relationship despite a growing attraction, you’re probably on the right track.
If you feel bored and ho-hum about the relationship, a slow pace can be a byproduct of low interest.
5 Tips for Creating a Lasting, Slow-Burning Relationship
Dating is often a game of hurry-up-and-wait.
It can be hard to keep those little thrill pickles in their jar, just like it’s hard to find the right balance between full speed and standing still.
Here are five tips:
- Set Expectations Early — The key to putting the brakes on without halting progress is keeping expectations and boundaries clear early.
- Avoid Labels Too Early — Don’t give in to pressure to label your relationship — apart from maybe saying “early stages” or something lukewarm like that.
- Limit Dates in the First Month — Only seeing each other once a week, in the beginning, helps tremendously, reducing runaway hormones and all the drama they bring. Stay sober, too…leads to better judgment.
- Limit Communication Between Dates — Limit texting and phone calls between dates — c’mon now don’t lock yourself into an addictive cycle of anticipatory emotions.
- Limit Physical Intimacy — Give your new relationships enough room to breathe and build slowly toward kissing, fondling, and full-on sex acts.
Final Thoughts
All of this applies to when you want a long-term relationship — or, at least, something more serious than a fling, situationship, or one-night stand.
If that’s what you’re after, hit the turbo speed boosters.
