How I Survived a Long Distance Relationship
The Easy (and Tough) ways to survive long-distance relationships and how you CAN make it work.
132 miles apart, that is what some belief qualifies for a long-distance relationship according to a poll conducted. According to that same article, 58% of long-distance relationships are actually successful. With that being said, why do we see so many of these posts? “Top X Amount of Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship”, is everywhere. Well, because these kinds of relationships are very difficult at the same time.
37% of long-distance relationships break up once they become geographically closer says the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. But I can speak from experience. A success story of a relationship that once we did come together, we stayed together. My significant other and I spent 4 years doing the long-distance thing. From Akron, Ohio, USA, to Dublin, Ireland. 5565 kilometers between the two of us most of the time. I now live here in Ireland and we are still going strong! This post is a bit about how we made it work, and a bit of how you might be able to as well. I will break this post down into two different categories. The Hard Stuff, which I believe is what makes the relationship work and work well, but may be a bit more challenging to achieve. It’s also the stuff other articles may not talk about. Then there is The Easy Stuff. This is the practical stuff and a bit easier to manage. It’s good to mention, but in the long run, it won’t quite fulfill those relational needs you may be having.
The Hard Stuff
Let’s get this out of the way first. It’s what you need but may not want to hear.
1. Independence
When you are 5000 kilometers away from your significant other, there isn’t much room for being needy. If you are constantly in need of reassurance about your relationship, you are going to have a hard time making this work. This was my issue, and it did not make things easy for us.
You need to find ways to make yourself independent from your partner while you are away from one another. Find your own thing that gives you joy while the two of you are apart. For me, it was video games. It was a way for me to distract myself when things may have been getting tough when we were apart. This is not only good for long-distance relationships but will help when you finally are able to be in the same space longer than two weeks at a time. There is nothing wrong with having your own thing. Don’t forget that you are still your own person when apart. Continue to live your life the best way that you can.
2. Trust
Lack of trust is something you see in romance novels, movies, and TV shows about a relationship and how it can ruin a relationship. Well, this may be something that Hollywood got right for once. Without this pivotal piece in a relationship, it will make things hard for even the strongest of couples. There is a good reason I am including it in “The Hard Stuff.”
Trust grows over time, and can be harder to be sure of in a long-distance relationship. So keep vigilant early on in the relationship. Try not to let those insecure thoughts creep into your head and take hold. There is a reason you are together and a reason you chose to do the long-distance. Don’t forget that. If your partner’s behavior bothers you, bring it up and talk about it in a nonjudgmental way, emphasizing that you are doing so because you care about the relationship enduring and want to build a foundation of trust.
3. Commitment
Commitment is something during our stint in a long-distance relationship that we took for granted. Both of us early on knew that we were going to be exclusive, and from that came a commitment to one another. This may not be the case depending on your circumstances. If you are all in on this relationship, make sure the other is as well. Have a chat about what your expectations are for this relationship, make sure that you are both on the same page.
Without this, any long-distance relationship will struggle. A normal relationship needs commitment even though you live in the same town and can see one another basically anytime you desire. Living across oceans requires a commitment level a lot of people will not be up for. You have to be ready for not seeing each other for months at a time. Not being able to jump up and get in the car if something goes wrong (or right — you may miss out on certain celebrations, too). This all needs to be taken into account before deciding if your in this relationship for the right reason.
4. Visiting
Now you might be thinking “This is literally the opposite of long-distance.”. If your relationship is exclusively based apart from one another, that is not a relationship. If you are never physically in the same space as one another, then I am sorry to say you are going to have more issues than you can count and are going to have a difficult time making the relationship work in the long run.
My partner and I were very vigilant in this part. We were constantly trying to get to one another. We were able to get to one another twice a year, for a week or two at a time. This may have been one of the most important parts of our survival.
In addition to visiting, I also want to add that knowing when you will physically see one another is another huge win for the relationship. Most times when we were leaving one another, we already knew when we’d be seeing each other next. Even if that time was six months away, it still helped tremendously knowing that this goodbye wasn’t forever.
5. An End Date
This is similar to the last one but much more permanent. There must be a timeline for when this long-distance relationship will lose its “long-distance” tag. Long-distance relationships are not sustainable for a long period of time. Near the end of our 4-year stint away from another, we started to feel this. If it wasn’t for the fact that we knew I was moving, I don’t want to know what would have become of us.
Whether this is when one of the two of you graduates from college, or ends a contract with work, having a date in the future when you know you won’t have to do this anymore is huge in helping along with any long-distance relationship.
6. Establish (Early On) Who is Moving
Once you have an end date, you must figure out who is going to be the one to move. For us this was easy, I always knew I’d be the one coming to her. For others, though it may require a bit more of a conversation. At some point in the relationship this conversation has to happen, and the earlier the better. You do not want to get to your end date and then just look awkwardly at each other and play a game of international chicken. If you already know who is going where it’s just one hurdle you may not have to jump.
The Easy (and Practical) Stuff
Now, most of these articles will give you the easy stuff and leave it at that, so I feel like I’d be failing you without at least saying these things. These are the small things you could do to make sure you are still on the same page with one another and are a bit more practical.
1. Communication (Zoom, Skype, Facetime)
Every article will put this at the top and say “This is the most important thing”. To be honest, while it is important, there is a reason why I have it under “The Easy Stuff”. Anyone can Skype, Zoom, text message, and Facetime. Open lines of communication are important but easier than some of the other parts of long-distance relationships. Keeping an open text chain, planning out zoom calls, all of this is important to maintaining the relationship, but won’t really further it.
2. Get Creative
What is something that you know you both enjoy? Find a way to do it online together. There are an abundance of online tools that make a long-distance relationship easier in this age of technology. Enjoy watching movies?
Kast is a great online tool that allows people to watch a movie together. Disney+ also offers a similar service on its platform. Are you a runner?
Strava is a great social running app that allows you to compare times. Use this to compete and stay in touch with one another while staying fit.
Gather.town is also a great new tool that allows you to build a digital space and hang out in. Discord is also a great tool for simple voice chat. It is very easy to use and has high-quality audio.
3. Online Games
Now my partner and I really like board games, and there has been a surge of in-person board games being made into an online version. We personally love Catan, and there is an online version, free to play, called Colonist.io.
There is an online Pictionary called skribble.io that is also free to play and very enjoyable with 2 or more people. These games, with the use of the online voice chat platform called Discord, allow for a much more consistent line of communication.
4. Letter Writing
This is a small, but meaningful gesture in our current day and age. At the beginning of our relationship, we would write handwritten letters to one another. It was just a nice way of staying in contact, and who doesn’t like receiving a letter that’s not spam!
Final Remarks
Disclaimer. Every relationship is different. What worked for us may not work for you and vice versa. I encourage those of you who have succeeded, leave a comment for those who might be struggling. What practical tips do you have for making a long-distance relationship work? What worked for you and you think will work for others? Maybe you even want to warn others about what didn’t work? Whatever you have I want to hear and help others in their journey into a long-distance relationship.
