Bar (Fly on a Wall)

Part Deux

Every now and again, I will be sitting at a bar unable to detach myself from the people watching and, more specifically, people in their relationship form. Or, people in their singles form trying on the world of dating, relationships and sleeping around. Let’s call a spade a spade right? The bar is ripe with reputation for being the staging area for many a meetings, one night stands and simply entertaining gestures around men and women. But, don’t take my word for it. Instead, let’s talk to a real life bartender who sees this day in and day out.

Introducing Brent Boyle, former bartender at Tunnicliff’s Tavern in Washington D.C. What did Brent observe in his day to day dealings in the friendly confines of city bar life? (…and to protect the dignity of my subject, the above picture does not represent Brent in any form or fashion but the rough outline/sketch is intended to fit the context of what a bartender may see from their perspective in the day to day world of people watching)

1. The Indirect Buy: We all know the scene in the movies where he does not know her but is struck by her in some way and thus buys her a drink. But what Brent would share is the direct correlation between men who will buy but let someone else take her the drink and the inability of getting any interest. It’s as if he did not want to face potential disappointment. Brent’s further commentary on the matter was that men who followed through with handing her the drink would at least get an audience and a thanks and further dialogue in other passing’s at the establishment. Furthermore, any interest that may have been there on her part is significantly decreased by the indirect buy because of what it says about his overall confidence level. Rule number 1 in Brent’s book? If you’re going to buy, don’t solicit someone else to deliver it.
2. Before the Pounce: Turn the TV on moments after a touchdown or a fumble or an interception and you’ve missed out. You’ll hear about what went down and there will be shouting or celebrations or a response appropriate to the occurrence but if you don’t see it, something is lost. Bartenders however, see it all unfold. And if you ask Brent, it’s pretty damn obvious. Mark is eying the door, looking up at the TV, essentially unfocused on anything specific until he sees her. After he says her, and before the pounce, he’s adjusted his posture so that he’s parallel to her, even twenty feet away. Mark will make comments to the group, the same group, mind you, that was zombified and incoherent the whole night before she came in. Why? Because he wants an in. Mark will walk by her to go to the bathroom to see if there is any change in body language from her. And all of this, my good friends, is what Brent sees from his lens. Now, if I step back and think about it as the game it is, I ask myself if Mark will win. My take will be it depends on whether she finds him the least bit attractive and just how long he’s playing these games. Women do want the effort and the flirtations but not in a drawn out way. Brent’s assessment? Spot on! The longer the game, the more withdrawn she will be at the pounce and if there is no physical chemistry from her perspective, she will chit chat and that’s where it ends. But back to the front, I think it’s fascinating that bartenders observe this. Rule number 2 in Brent’s book? The flirtatious chase is good but don’t drag it on.
3. The Honeymoon Phase: Simply put, and as shameful as this sounds, Brent can tell just how new a couple is based on their body language and physical proximity. In a nutshell, if they are still hands-on and sitting in close proximity and stools or chairs inward to each other, their relationship is either very new or rediscovered. I believe this very thing but to have a bartender observe and report without any lead in is sad but revealing. Rule number 3 in Brent’s book? There are no rules for awareness and effort. If you’re already a couple and you’re not intimate or close or conversant, explore why.
4. The Morning After: I won’t get into this one except to say, Brent could state with absolute accuracy which couple who was at the bar/restaurant the next morning were there under duress. In other words, who had slept together the night before, clearly had no future in the minds of one or both, and yet had the obligatory extended time together the next day? I had never even contemplated this but let me just say the things he observed fall in line with general observations any relationship coach would align. It goes to show that bartenders really are therapists and counselors incarnate and thus have more credibility when it comes to the human condition than most everyone on the planet.

Until next time. Stay thirsty my friends.