“Is It Too Much to Ask…?”
Why yes it is too much to ask, thanks for asking. By asking if it’s too much to ask, you’re really asking if your needs are valid because someone else didn’t see them as valid enough to meet them. And so, you ask them or yourself if you’re asking for too much. How do you expect that to go? If you’re asking them and you already know they’re not meeting your needs, chances are, they’re going to know it too and you’re giving them reasons to validate that your needs are too much. If you ask yourself, you’re very likely doing it because your needs aren’t being met and you’re either trying to defend someones inability to meet them or you’re trying not to admit that maybe this person just isn’t the one; and so it’s easier to reassess.
Confused yet? Me too. I can’t for the life of me understand why someone with basic needs that aren’t being met resorts to questioning those needs either to themselves or to the person not meeting them and expecting far better results.
- Is it too much to ask that my spouse notice my new hairdo?
- Is it too much to ask that she shows appreciation every now and then for the things I do?
- Is it too much to ask that I don’t have to always clean up by myself?
- Is it too much to ask that you don’t raise your voice just because we have a disagreement?
Of course no to all 4 above. But the fact that you raised them in this fashion speaks volumes about your confidence in the relationship and opens up a dialogue that puts your question front and center.
“Since you asked whether you were asking too much, I’d like to talk about that. Why yes you were. I may not always notice your new hairdo, especially since it’s often just a slight trim. Any questions?” -In the dialogue I just walked through, did you ask the question because you really wanted an answer or were you just trying to express your frustrations? Either way, you asked, I answered, and you’re on the defense. Do you reply back with something more broad like, “you never notice my hair”? What if you’re right? Will it matter since you asked a question about a recent haircut that wasn’t too different? Did they answer the question you asked? Do you see the circular argument? Is it getting anywhere? Are you more frustrated? Does that solve anything? Do you want me to stop asking questions to make my point? Okay, I will.
Even when you ask the question of yourself or with friends, you’re opening up the dialogue to get feedback to something that you likely feel is a fair need and expectation on your part. But our minds have a funny way of letting our frustrations and impatience change such needs. This is especially true in situations where we’ve had a string of bad or short relationships and we feel like that which we once expected may be too much, even if those same expectations may be basic to anyone else on this green earth.
My overall point? Know your needs and stick by them. Don’t ask, just expect. If you want to reexamine your needs, do so independent of a frustration with or after a specific incident so you can explore without bias to a person or without duress to a situation. You may come out tweaking your needs but you’re not going to do so because you’re settling and want to change them for a specific person and you’re not giving ammo to someone that takes the frustration from a direct question and answers it.
