Spouse 1, Kids 1A

-In Families

I know, call social services for I hath committed a parenting sin. I have suggested, via the above title, that the spouse should come before the kids. And if it wasn’t a suggestive enough title, than I need a better one because that was in fact what I’m suggesting.

Say it again? Sure.

In marriage, the relationship between the spouses should be what we concentrate on before the caretaking of the kids. It’s as simple as that. Now, let’s take some mental pictures:

1. The Restaurant: Two kids, mom and dad sitting at the table. Mom and dad across from each other. Dad playing tic tac toe with Jeffrey and mom and Samantha looking at her phone.
2. After school: Dad taking Emily to soccer practice and mom staying at home with Jeremy, helping him with his homework.
3. Checking account: We need to save for braces and school clothes.
4. The virtual kiss: I really want to kiss you but won’t someone think of the children! (Okay, potentially dramatic interpretation but you KNOW what I’m talking about, don’t you.)
5. Time for bed: Everything was everything today. Between taking Samantha and her friends to the movies and fighting with Mark about how unhealthy 3 hours of SOCOM: Navy Seals is, we’re tired!

These are mental pictures that are accurate portrayals of the family unit when kids are the central theme to the equation. Missing conversations, eye contact, intimacy, and other affairs of the heart because we’re solely focused on the young’ens. We love our kids and so we should. But, as I recall, the kids we love are here because we made love with someone else, correct? And can we also acknowledge that life is full of so many things a’la work, bills, dental checks, and recitals that we can’t possibly keep everything in the air—at least not without the help of that other one we loved before there were children? Stay with me, just one more connector. Lastly, isn’t it possible that the love between two people who once really appreciated each other and took time out for one other can fade away, thus making all aforementioned juggling acts both insanely difficult and easy to resent?

Welcome to my discussion about why it’s so important to put the spouse in position 1 and the child(ren) in position 1A:

• In order to really raise children that appreciate life, love and happiness, shouldn’t they first see two people who model that appreciation? We can’t model what we don’t live.
• When we talk about living with ourselves and with children, there is that juggling act that we must learn how to schedule through. This means making time for dates and for physical intimacy, even if it takes you away from some potential play dates or mall trips with the kids.
• I understand there are parents that feel like the fading moments of intimacy will just be temporary due to the kids, but it becomes habit, not only for them as a couple but also as a matter of expectation from the kids perspective. This, my friends, has two impacts, whether we see it or not. 1) Kids will expect your time all the time because that’s what they grew up spoiled by and 2) Kids will model their parent’s behavior when they’re in relationships and that’s never good.
• In some cases, the parents will end up resenting the very children that stole their relationship from their spouse. I’ve actually heard parents yell at children for being selfish without the parent realizing it was they who created the expectation, trained the child so to speak.
• In the end, dammit, we must live. Remember the excitement of dinner and good conversation and those urges and hormones we had when we were making love that created the kids we love in the relationship that may still represent something called love? How did it get away? Because we forgot that we were alive. Everything became about the children. I find this to be the saddest talking point relative to this whole discussion. It’s as though we feel the need to act like “grown-ups” as soon as the kids are born, whatever that means. But grown-ups need love and need passion and need alone time in order to really make it all work. Otherwise, we’re right back to lacking life, love and happiness.

Try this on for size. Your child would never know that they were 1A because 1A is still the whole world and a bag of chips. They just know, and always will know, that when it comes to your life, love and happiness, your time and energy has two connections: Your love life and them. Amazingly enough, they intertwine and you have two people you can call the love of your life, neither of whom resent each other and neither of whom wonder whether experiences, intimacy, and communication are paramount to relationships, for now, and for the long term. Period.