I don’t know if god exists. Being a small part of an immense universe, I find it hard to even contemplate. But if god does exist, I don’t want a small god that’s stirred by petty human emotions, who favors one bronze age tribe over another. Instead, I want a big god who put into motion an awe-inspiring universe so vast, sublime, and diverse that I’ll never comprehend it’s magnitude, let alone the nature of god itself.

I want a massive god who created a system of fundamental forces that govern the universe — forces like gravity that eats galaxies for breakfast and electromagnetism that guides the interactions of the smallest particles. But, with the beauty of an artist, the god I want also created evolution — an elegant system that allows god to watch as an experiment called “life” unfolds in a near infinite number of ways on a billion, billion planets. I want a god that wants me to see the magnitude of this universe and be awestruck and humbled by the enormity, beauty, and elegance of it all.

Were we made to be worshipful servants? It’s possible. God might have created a pit of hell fire to torment people that believe the wrong things. But I think that’s deeply sick. How can a god throw good, honest people, who love their children and that worked for a better world into that pit of fire, just because they prayed the wrong way?

Now, if that’s the truth, then I’ll accept it. But what I want is a bigger god who would think that’s petty — a god who thinks outside of our human definitions of religion. What’s more, is that I want a god that wants me to wonder— to be curious and imaginative — to use all of my abilities to learn and grow and evolve beyond myself. I want a god that wants me to try and understand it. Not a god that values worship (even if it’s just a hollow calculation against damnation) over an honest but incomplete search for truth.

When I think of this big god, and I imagine it watching the universe unfold, the idea that it responds to my whispered requests seems a little absurd. Who am I to ask god to bend and break the laws that govern the fate of galaxies, just so I can get a new job, or be a little more healthy?

When there’s a personal god that interferes with life, you have to constantly ask why that god lets events happen the way they do. Because if an omnipotent god is to be thanked for our victories, then it’s answerable for all the tsunamis, plane crashes, and cancer. Instead, I want a God that makes rules and stands by them. Sure, it makes for a less magical world and maybe it makes it harder to hope against the odds. On the other hand, it makes our victories sweeter and our losses easier to accept and understand.

This is not to say that I don’t feel deeply grateful for the life I have. I lead a life of kings. Sanitation, mobility, opportunity, health, education. It’s just that I find it way more comforting if god isn’t changing the outcomes of life to punish or reward me. I prefer that the world works in a predictable way, because you can go mad attributing every good and bad thing that happens to you to a deity that is constantly judging/rewarding/punishing you. I don’t want to have to wonder what I did to deserve a good or bad outcome.

I’m not saying that humans shouldn’t want to connect with something larger and more powerful, because there’s obviously a lot more to this universe than we can see. But the moment that we begin to put our little, tiny words around god, then god suddenly shrinks to what we can imagine. If we want a big god, we need to be more humble about our ability to define god and let go of our need to understand. I want a god that can really only be felt by expanding my consciousness — by reaching out and letting go of definitions, needs, and desires. I want a god who is easiest found when I am at peace, not when I want something.

Now, it might be a little weird to talk about the kind of god I want. But the way I see it, this is no weirder than people talking about what kind of god they actually believe in. Because either way of looking at it, I think the world would be a better place if we all realized one simple truth — what I want, or what anybody actually believes, doesn’t mean shit. What is, is. Our fears, beliefs, and desires have nothing to do with the true nature of reality. In the end, god exists or god doesn’t. We can believe and deeply feel whatever we like in our hearts, and while it might make our lives more fulfilling, it doesn’t make it true.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to open myself to the truth, regardless of what it is. If that means I will stand before Allah or Yahweh or Jesus, then I will bow to the maker. Amen. If the truth is that I’ll be reborn a million times to perfect my soul, then om. If there is a sacred path of life, then I will learn the Tao. Or… if this one candle of life gets extinguished at the end, then so be it. I don’t disbelieve any of these possibilities. I just have a hard time believing them when I know that I’m as fallible as I am, and that my senses and feelings are as easily swayed and deceived as they are.