when i think about times i can remember being smaller than i am now, i get caught on these old insanities. these types of old habits that people hold onto, unhealthy mannerisms and ruts that they work themselves into. when you’re small, you really don’t know any better — you just assume everything is normal, working as intended. i was trying to figure out when i first noticed the difference, when i first picked up on the fact that something wasn’t right. i really don’t think it was the type of change that grows, something must have happened to shift my state of understanding. now all i can do is worry that the same will happen again, only i’ll develop my own old insanities for my family and friends to deal with. my sister thinks it’s a slow crawl — that over time things just go unchecked, and because of that we promote these unhealthy tendencies. she told me once that she wanted to take a picture every year to document her state of mind so that she can look back and see what has changed. maybe that’s just another old insanity. i’m not sure which i’d prefer — the slow crawl of watching yourself lose grip of reality, or suddenly not being able to remember who you were before. i think, more than anything, that is my internal state of worry. maybe that’s just another old insanity, too.
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my dad thinks like i do. he’s always figuring things and people out. he does it out of a sort of necessity in order to relate with people more easily — i do it exclusively to get a strategic advantage. maybe, as i get older, that’s what will encourage the same difficulties familiarizing with community and relationships.
i can remember him trying to rationalize situations with my mom. i sympathize with him on most counts, i have to deal with people the way that he has had to. it isn’t that we’re talking down, it’s just a difference of perspective — from the outside to the inside, and the translation is frustrating for everyone involved. it’s disheartening when people don’t understand me — not because they are inept, but because i fail to translate my thoughts understandably. i have a way of figuring things out, a sort of intuitive estimating — the moment i try to explain the thought chain the way it came down, only blurs and in-cohesive pieces of a greater thought come out. i end up having to explain to them the way that i think just so they can get a frame of reference. a difference of perspective.
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more than anything else, i used to get in trouble for running outside in my socks. i always considered that an old insanity. that my dad would consider dirty and worn out socks merit-able for discipline. all i could think then was how asinine he was — all i can think now is, what respect do i have for all things great because of my respect for all things small? maybe one day i’ll ask him if he had this master plan to teach me foundational value and worth all along, or if he just really hated dirty socks.
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i spent most of my life in a church too far from home. is it weird to blatantly dislike something while also appreciating it’s impact? being a part of that church caused a lot of identity issues for a lot of different reasons. being outside of my actual community and being thrown into a thick sports/country atmosphere, ignoring reality and becoming complacent with religious joy, learning moral and character from biased and closed-minded individuals. even now i feel selfish that i have to try and re-establish my character after weeding out the negative impacts. i learned to appreciate things like these. things that help me grow in ways that i wouldn’t have otherwise. maybe i’d be closed-minded too if i didn’t have such staunch examples. then i think maybe that’s how they became so small, they didn’t have what i did. i’m thankful that i can draw comparisons and identify the in-stable. small lines that keep me sane, keep me in a relative state of understanding.
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i always assume it’s the other person. growing up, i didn’t have the capacity to accept fault. i still run into situations where i find it inconceivable that i did anything wrong. some sort of quasi mix of confidence and ignorance. sometimes i wonder if it’s a polish thing, because i don’t see it everywhere. specifically in my family it’s split about half and half. my oldest sister and i share the same sentiment, which makes arguments between us interesting. my dad thinks along the same lines, it’s just not as subtle. my mom, on the other hand, apologizes when it rains outside. it’s not always a i’m right and you’re wrong situation. sometimes it’s whether or not someone likes me or something i’m doing. they’ll understand one day. i don’t mean to be an abhorrent prick, but it comes naturally. maybe that’s my old insanity.
