5 mistakes I’ve made as a husband (and how to avoid them)
I cranked up my Xbox, hoping to squeeze in a game of Overwatch before my wife, Savannah, got home. I’d taken the day off to attend a conference. But she arrived before the round finished.
The front door was locked, and her teaching gear tied up her hands.
So like any good husband, I raced to unlock the door for her. And I even said, “Hey, babe,” as I fled back to my game.
She understands. This is a close game. I’ll give her a hug and a kiss and tell her I love her as soon as I finish.
Savannah calmly set her things down, changed into comfy clothes, and sat down in the chair next to me. Later, she told me she would appreciate me welcoming her, responding to her, and showing her love—especially after a tough day. She felt overlooked.
And that’s where a lot of our issues begin.
Pay attention to your wife
Many of our marriage problems start from a failure, on my part, to pay attention to Savannah. There are many times I should have turned off my phone, turned off the TV, turned off my iPad, turned off my Xbox — heck, even put down my book and give my wife the attention she deserves. We need to connect with our wives, not our gadgets and toys.
In his book The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs pinpoints the distinct difference between man’s needs and woman’s needs. Men speak respect. Women speak love. For guys, we don’t always understand why our wives stress that we pay attention to them.
So long as we feel we’re respected, not talked down to, not under appreciated, we’re golden. We’ll take a hug and a kiss, but we’re fine with being left alone.
I’m not saying women don’t mind their me-time, but you’d better acknowledge their presence. A wife must feel loved. If you don’t know if your wife feels loved, ask her questions. Cook her a nice breakfast and ask, “Do I make you feel loved? What can I do to do a better job?”
And when she tells you, make sure to listen actively. (Listening to your wife is key). Take notes. Seriously, write down what she says after the conversation. Now you have a plan.
Be the leader, and be a good one
When it comes to making schedules, setting up date nights, growing spiritually as a couple, we must take charge. Early on in our marriage, I made too many passive decisions. I didn’t want to smother Savannah with dominance, which is wise, but my fear of being overbearing kept me from fulfilling my leadership role in marriage.
Wives, follow the lead of your husbands as you follow the Lord. 23 The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ’s body. He is its Savior. 24 The church follows the lead of Christ. In the same way, wives should follow the lead of their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives. Love them just as Christ loved the church. He gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22–25
We are called to be the leaders in our marriage. And yes, there are wrong ways to fill that role. At times, I’ve been too passive; sometimes I’m too prideful; other times, I’ve completely relinquished my role.
To lead our marriage the way God intended, we must follow the example of Christ. We are to be sacrificial, kind and proactive. Christ gave up His life for His people. In the same way, we should lead our marriage. Proper leadership is a balance of strength and submission.
In the song Authority, by 116 Clique, the first line of the chorus is, If you can’t follow you can’t ever lead.
We must submit ourselves to Christ, following Him, so that our marriage heads in the right direction as we lead our wives.
Our wives shouldn’t have to drag us out of bed to go to church. Guilty. Our wives shouldn’t have to beg us to talk about spiritual matters. Guilty there, too. Our wives shouldn’t have to drop hints for us to take them on a nice date. Again, guilty as charged.
Husbands, lead.
Know that your wife is your greatest good
One of my all-time favorite movie scenes comes from Pixar’s The Incredibles. A character named Frozone is looking for his superhero get-up as a maniacal machine ravishes the city. But, he and his wife had plans for dinner.
“Honey, where is my super suit,” he yells, searching.
“Why do you need to know?”
“… It’s for the greater good!”
“Greater good? I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever going to get!”
Now Frozone gets a pass, fellas. He was trying to save a city. You and I have no such obligation.
There have been times when I’ve become a superhero for everyone and everything except my wife. It’s easy for me to put all my effort and attention into my job. I love my job. I feel like I’m making a real difference in my young students’ lives.
Then there’s RELOCATE. This site is a tremendous blessing, and it’s impacting people lives.
Both my job and this website pale in comparison to my wife. After my relationship with Christ, my relationship with Savannah is most important. Christ is my hero. And if I’m to be like him, I must be Savannah’s hero.
Even ministry work can strangle the vitality of a marriage relationship.
But it’s for the Kingdom, the greatest good.
True, but so are our marriages, which are covenant relationships that should model God’s unconditional love for us. If we as Christian men aren’t setting the precedent, the world will see and the Kingdom will suffer.
If we treat our wives as the greatest good, which they are, then the world will see and the Kingdom will thrive.
Pursue your marriage purpose
Savannah and I have only been married for nine months. In our first eight months, we’ve been in the honeymoon phase. Life is good. Disagreements surface, but all in all, we’re happy.
I know it won’t always be that way, so we’re trying to stay proactive. One thing I’ve failed to do as a husband, until recently, is helping steer us toward our God-given purpose as a couple.
So, I bought us copies of Two Are Better Than One: God Has a Purpose for Your Marriage by Greg and Julie Gorman.
We’ve only read a couple of chapters. I can tell you, though, that not only is this book helping us to seek God’s plans for us, but it’s created lines of communication for us. Each chapter ends with a study guide. We’ve searched scripture together, answered tough questions together, and had in-depth conversations about our future hopes and dreams together.
I guess we never thought of it before getting married, but our omniscient God—who brought us together—has a designed plan for our marriage.
So often I’ve thought of marriage as a simple stepping stone in life. It’s just something that happened. After the marriage ceremony, it can be difficult to find meaning together.
We were so used to doing our own thing. Sure, we knew our individual purposes. But what do they look like blended?
That’s what we’re figuring out. It’s awesome.
Guard your tongue
You’ve probably heard words compared to toothpaste: once they come out, there’s no putting them back where they came from. I’ve said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.
I’ve been mean. I’ve been ugly. My mouth can cut like a knife, and I’ve created scars in our marriage that can only be healed by time and the healing touch of our Savior.
You can’t fight toothpaste with toothpaste, words with words. No amount of kind words can counteract the hurtful ones said seconds ago. Sorries don’t cut it, and flowers won’t heal burns that scar the heart.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Proverbs 18:21
For such a small part of our body, the tongue is—for many of us—our biggest enemy. It’s also the biggest threat to our marriage. As I said before, women must feel loved. Words play a big part in how your wife will feel. You can’t verbally chop her down and expect her to feel loved.
We must use first person, “I” and “we,” in our more heated conversations. Use too much second person, “you,” and your wife will feel uncared for and unloved. We have to use words that acknowledge our own shortcomings and our own feelings rather than dump blame on our wives.
I’m currently reading Watch Your Mouth: Understanding the Power of the Tongue by Tony Evans. I’m learning the power of my tongue in my marriage. If your tongue gets you into trouble too, then I highly recommend you read this book.
We can’t control our tongues, men (James 3:8). We must pray Psalm 141:3.
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3
With God’s help, we can speak life—not death—into our marriage.
