Facing a quarter-life crisis
5 things I’ve learned about life after traumatic experiences as a nurse on the oncology and hospice floor and everything in between
Well, I’m officially 25.
And this past year has been … crazy.
I got engaged in August to the very best man I’ve ever known. I’ll try not to be sappy about it, but I know that I found the guy that I will spend the rest of eternity with.
He loves me so well, and tells me that and shows me that every day. Together, we’ve been through struggles, we’ve had a couple of fights, but we’ve ultimately grown closer to God and to each other this year, and I couldn’t be happier. It was one of the best moments of my life when he asked me to marry him.
But I’ve also experienced my worst moment this year, and sadly, it was really recent. I’ve been a nurse almost two years now, and it’s come with its ups and downs. A lot of stress, a lot of sadness, and a lot of death (especially from working on an oncology/hospice floor).
I’m not going to go into detail, but I can tell you, I’ve never experienced this amount of pain before. It’s overwhelming, and healing from it feels like a daily chore that I have to wake up and choose to do.
Through these two extreme experiences and everything in between, I’ve come to learn a couple of things about myself and life in general, and I’d like to share them with you.
It’s okay not to have life figured out
I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel like my time as a nurse is coming to an end (at least in the acute care setting), and I have no idea where I’ll go next.
I’ve prayed about it, I’ve looked up jobs, I’ve brainstormed what I’m passionate about—but God hasn’t given me an answer yet. And even though this is weird to say because this stuff usually stresses me out, I feel okay about it. I trust that God has a plan for me, I just have to be patient and see what happens.
And besides, God’s had my back for 25 years now, why shouldn’t I trust Him now?
It’s okay to give stuff to God
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a very emotional person. I try not to be, but call me a mean name and I’ll go to my room and start tearing up. (Okay I’ll start crying. I can’t help it.)
I think about things a lot, and I hold on to stuff for forever. But I’ve recently learned that sometimes you can’t hold on to everything. I’m not strong enough. Things happen in life that are too much to handle. I’ve learned how to be broken, to fall apart, and let God pick up the pieces. To be honest, I’m still in the middle of God picking up those pieces, and it’s okay. Healing is a journey, and it’s one I’ve decided to take with Christ, my family and friends. And a whole lot of tears.
Nurses are superheroes
Every single nurse I work with is a superhero, without a doubt. I feel so blessed to have worked at Hillcrest Medical Center, and especially with the nurses on 4 North.
Nursing is nothing that I thought it would be. You meet such an assortment of patients- some are just the absolute best people, and I’ll be forever blessed by their encounters. And then others, (I guess to say in a nice way) they’ve tested my patience and have taught me how to love better. Nothing I say here will show the magnitude of what nurses do on a daily basis, and if you’re not a nurse, you’ll never be able to truly understand.
So I guess I just want to say thank you to everyone I work with for the impact you’ve had on my life. I’ve learned so much about caring for people, loving people, and dealing with the hard stuff from all of you. And if you’re not a nurse, if you ever find yourself in a hospital setting, thank your nurse for what they do, and have patience and understanding with them. Because I promise you they’re doing the best they can.
Life is short
I’ve had to hear a young woman in her 30’s say she’s done fighting cancer. I’ve had to watch a mother sleep on a hospital couch for months, staying by her son’s side as he slowly dies. And I’ve held a crying wife in my arms as she made the decision to put her husband on hospice.
I know these are just stories to the people reading this, but they’re real to me, and each one took a piece of me with them. I’ll never understand why God chooses the ones he does, and I question it all the time.
I ask God why.
I struggle with it, I hate it, and it brings me a lot of pain. But I guess I’m learning to accept it. I can’t do anything about it, and at least God gave me the opportunity to be a small piece of comfort to them during their hardest time in their life. I can say that through all of this, I’ve learned that you really have no idea how much time you have on this earth.
And even if you do live to be 100, that time is just a breath compared to eternity.
Talk about God more
I’ve realized that I don’t talk about how much I love God enough. I hope people can see that I do through the way I act, but I don’t really know. I feel like I’ve missed opportunities and I want to get better about it this next year.
I was so focused and busy as a nurse with healing people physically in the hospital that I would push the spiritual aspect aside. And yeah, my job as a nurse is to heal physical illnesses—but I also have a responsibility as a Christian to “declare his glory among the nations,” (Psalms 96:3).
I want to be more confident. I want to bring Him up in conversation more. I want to tell everyone about Him because I truly believe that He is the one true God and knowing Him is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And since I know him and believe in Him, I get to spend eternity with him in Heaven, and I want every single person I know to be able to experience the same thing.
I recently read a blog post that was very honest.
The author shared her deepest struggles and admitted that she was in the middle of a storm, and she admitted she honestly had no idea how this storm would end up.
I thought it was raw and beautiful, and that there’s so much strength in sharing with people your weaknesses. No matter where we are in life, it’s a journey. I’m 25, and I’ve experienced some really amazing things in my life, I have a ton of people who love me and care about me, but I’ve also had plenty of hard times as well.
Life is a mess, and I think everyone can agree with that, no matter how happy Facebook makes you seem.
We all have joy in our lives, and we all have experienced pain, so thank you for allowing me to share a little bit of mine with you. The blog post I read earlier ended with a prayer, and I think that’s exactly how I’ll end mine. Because no matter what part of the journey we’re in right now—a quarter life crisis or the best time of our lives—we could all use a little more God.
My prayer
Lord God,
Thank you for getting me to 25 years. I pray that you show me every day how precious this time is. I pray that you help me use it to glorify you.
You know that I long to be in your arms right now, God, to feel the comfort of your embrace that I can’t get from anyone or anything on this earth. I pray for your peace and healing, for me, and for whoever else who may need it.
I pray that you use bad things in my life to draw closer to you. That I’ll break and allow your love to put me back together.
I pray that I listen to your truth. That I know that I’m never alone. That I am your child and you love without exceptions or boundaries. That I’m worthy because you’ve made me worthy, despite all my failures.
I pray that you give me direction for my life and that I will follow you without question.
Help me to give stuff over to you when I can’t handle it. To accept the forgiveness that you freely give out.
And let me never forget the price your son paid to give me freedom.
I’m so grateful for what you’ve given me-
You’re truly a God of miracles, and I pray for more and more of you every day.
In Christ’s name,
Amen.
(Patient identifiers and details have been changed in these stories in order to protect their privacy)
