What’s my name? What am I known for?
How I learned that the limp I must suffer is a testament of God’s forever love for me
The Deceiver
The name “Jacob” means “deceiver.” Jacob deceived his brother, his father, his uncle. His uncle tricked him into marrying his older daughter before giving him Rachel.
Jacob’s entire life was based upon trickery and deceit. When his uncle told him to go his own way after another deceitful act by Jacob, Jacob was faced with the dilemma of meeting up with his twin brother, Esau, whom he had tricked years earlier.
When Jacob heard that Esau was coming to him with an army of 400 men and wouldn’t be swayed by Jacob’s gifts, Jacob sent all of his family and possessions away to safety. He was left all alone and vulnerable, and that was when he had a name-changing, life-changing encounter with God.
In Genesis 32:24–31, we learn that while Jacob was at his most vulnerable, being all alone with no support and waiting for Esau’s army to arrive, “a man” appeared to wrestle with him. Jacob wrestled and wrestled and wouldn’t give up. When the “man” — who turned out to be God — saw that daylight was coming, he touched Jacob’s hip, and the hip fell out of joint (Genesis 32:25).
The man asked Jacob to let him go because day was approaching, but Jacob, painful hip and all, said “not until you bless me.” The man asked, “What is your name?” Jacob replied, “Jacob.”
Then the man — God — blessed Jacob and told him that he would no longer be called “Jacob” (deceiver), but Israel because he had wrestled with God and with men and had prevailed (Genesis 32:29).
I’ve read this story many times, but never realized that Jacob had to confess to God that he was a deceiver (of course God knew his name!) in order to receive the blessing of a new name and a new future. And, importantly, he left Jacob with the limp. (Genesis 32:31).
Confessing my name
Recently I have been wrestling with so many issues and disappointments in my life, paying lip service to the idea of surrendering it all to God. Praying for patience and peace and saying that I know God will work it out for my best in His timing, but not truly believing that it will happen.
I’ve been challenged to recognize and confess my name and to use my limp to the glory of God.
What is my name? What is the thing that I must confess to God? What is the limp that I must suffer and carry with me as a reminder and a testament of God’s forever love for me?
My name is Margaret.
It means “pearl:” the beautiful, perfectly-round, white result of years and years of irritation and stress. It is able to withstand drilling completely through without falling apart.
I’ve always been proud of my strength through adversity. I’ve had my share of adversity. I’ve been irritated by small life challenges. I’ve been drilled through by serious illnesses of loved ones.
But I’ve stayed strong and shiny. People say, “You’re so strong! You’re such an example to others!” I like that. My pearl sparkles when people compliment my strength and my faith. I’ve built walls around my heart and my mind, even against God, because I’m strong and can handle it.
I’ve kept my struggles to myself, only confiding in a few, so as not to allow tarnish or — dare I even speak it — a crack to appear in my pearl. I’ve certainly not allowed any injury to cause me to limp!
Today, I’m accepting my limp. I have wrestled and wrestled with God for a good portion of my life. Over the last few months I have begrudgingly given Him little pieces of my life, like my need for control and knowing the plan for the days ahead.
Pieces like not wanting to be completely transparent about my concerns for our retirement and our home situation, quite honestly because I don’t want people to know that I don’t have enough faith to trust God to work it out in an amazing way, and I don’t want to show God in a bad light (like I could do that!).
God is telling me to confess it all to whomever might read this. God is telling me that I will not have peace and the answers I am asking him for until I do.
Today God dislocated my “hip” and asked me what my name is. I say to Him, “Margaret.” Today I admit and accept that I have for my entire life leaned on my own strength, my resiliency, and my ability to bounce back. I am admitting to all who read this that I am scared for my future.
I am rebelling against the idea that I may have to work for the rest of my life. I am afraid that we are going to make the wrong decision about building our retirement/inheritance-for-our-children home. I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control.
He has told me and shown me over and over again that He has my back. So why can’t I just “Let Go and Let God?” And more than that, why am I afraid to share this, and why would I worry that I might embarrass God by giving him something that he can’t work out, or maybe won’t work out the way I want it to work out?
So, as the earlier chapters of Genesis told the backstory of Jacob’s deceit and trickery up to the wrestling match, I have to lay out before all my backstory. I feel that all of this is what I must confess: this is my limp.
My limp
starts way back when I was staying home with our daughter, Kellie, in 1987. Up to that time, I had worked outside of the home as a paralegal in various law firms. I made it known to my husband, Craig, that even though I wasn’t receiving a paycheck, I was working and that I would retire the same day as he did.
I was rock hard — pearl hard — determined that Craig wasn’t going to forget how hard I was working. Never once in the thirty years since have I wavered from that resolution. Not even when Craig was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease was I swayed.
But after the 2014 football season, it was clear that Craig’s health was suffering. I had to accept the fact that he was going to retire and I wasn’t going to be able to. I was not happy about that, and I told Craig so every chance I got.
We sold our home and most of our possessions in the hopes of being able to save money to build a retirement home.
We moved closer to Kellie and her family, and I took a new job, with all the stresses that entails, which paid more money. I did it, but I resented it and threw it up to Craig every chance I got.
When the savings weren’t accruing and Craig had tremendous results from a deep brain stimulation procedure, he tried to go back to work. But, in August 2016, Craig suffered a stroke during two-a-days.
I am now faced with not only not being able to retire when Craig did but also having to continue working long after I am eligible for retirement.
I am so disappointed. I’m even bitter. I blame Craig for not taking better care of himself and preparing for the stress of two-a-days.
I have hardened my heart so many times to what he is going through because of what it is doing to me. Some very close family members know this about me. Now everyone does.
I confess my disappointment, my bitterness, my selfishness.
Too, as we started seriously considering our retirement in 2014, we stumbled upon a log home kit valued at more than twice the sale price for which it was being sold in an estate sale.
We truly believed that God led us to those logs.
So we purchased them. Craig’s family deeded out some land for us, and we dug a well and started the process of getting electricity to the site. We secured a builder and have made so many plans for what we wanted. Craig’s brother even moved the road on the site so we can put the house exactly where I want it.
Then reality hit.
‘We’ve had some bites but no sale.’
Like I said before, because of Craig’s health and some financial mistakes we’ve made, we haven’t been able to save the money that we feel we need to build the log house. It is over 1800 square feet and beautiful. But we can’t afford 1800 square feet and beautiful.
We have a lot of debt because of the logs and improvements we’ve made. We don’t think we will qualify for the loan amount it will take to build the house. But if God led us to buy those logs, then we are to build the house, right?
But what if God led us to buy the logs at the low price so that we could then sell them at a higher price? We have listed the logs for sale in different newspapers and even on Craigslist two different times. We’ve had some bites but no sale.
Does that mean God wants us to build the house?
If He can bless an old woman with a precious baby, He can certainly provide for that house to be built. Or, if He wants us to sell the logs, a buyer will come to us without us even seeking one!
I know I have to be patient and that God will work it all out in His timing. I keep saying that we are waiting for God’s timing, like good little Christians.
I pray constantly for patience and trust. I put on a strong face to the world. Look at me, a shiny white pearl with no flaws. But I confess that I am cracked! I want to know! Now!
My need to have everything in neat little rows is killing me.
It isn’t just us that are waiting on this decision. Our builder needs to know when and even if he is going to build this house. It’s income for him. It’s food on his table. I don’t take that lightly.
But then God tells me that He will provide for the builder and his family as well; that He doesn’t need my help to provide for the builder. Hillary Scott’s song “Thy Will” has spoken to my heart so many times.
I’m so confused. I thought I heard you loud and clear. I followed through, but somehow, I ended up here!
- lyrics from “Thy Will”
Trusting God
Ihave not confessed these things publicly because I’ve been afraid that people will see that I’m not a shiny pearl but a crying, doubting mess.
I’ve also even thought that if I publicly declare my wants and then God won’t answer my prayer as I want Him to, that people will think that He isn’t such a great God. I have hinted at some concerns through Facebook, but I loudly confess them now.
My prayer
Now I pray:
God, my wonderful Father, I praise You for the gift of these logs. I truly believe that You led us to purchase them to build our dream home. It will be a gathering place for family and friends.
It will be the newest house built on the ranch in over 50 years and will be a legacy for our children. But lately I’ve had so many doubts. I’ve doubted what Your Word says in Philippians 4:6–7:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Lord, help me to not be anxious. Give me Your peace to accept that I do not understand but You do.
If it is within Your will, I sure would like an answer and a resolution to this house question SOON, but in the meantime, help me to be patient!
You know that I’m not good at patience! You have told me in John 14:1 to let not my heart be troubled. So, along with patience, I pray for Your peace. I praise You for this limp that you have given me, that You have opened my eyes to my name and the fact that what I thought was a strength was actually a stumbling block to my total and utter surrender to You and Your plans for me.
I praise You that I even have the possibility of letting go and letting You. I will no longer make excuses or express concern or doubt about the logs and the building of our retirement home but will shout Your praises for the blessing of them and the opportunity to tell others about my limp.
All praise and glory to You!
Amen.
