What a Christmas Card Taught Me About Family and Conditional Queer Acceptance

The inclusion of my partner’s name on a family Christmas card reminded me of the power of unexpected grace.

I have what I would generously call a vexed relationship with my extended family, particularly when it comes to my sexuality. If you’re familiar with my work here at Medium, you may recall that a few months ago my dad’s eldest sister disinvited my partner and me from her house in one of the most astonishing expressions of homophobia that I’ve encountered in my life. and that, somewhat later, one of my dad’s other sisters used the word “dyke” in my presence, yet another jarring moment of homophobia that I was not used to encountering within the confines of my own family. Both of those incidents put an incredible amount of pressure on my familial bonds. While my relationship with my parents remained (and remain) strong, those two encounters forced me to rethink not just how I engage with some of the other members of my family but also how I look at them as individuals.

No matter how hard I try to put the incidents behind me, I can’t help but think what equally ugly (or uglier!) things my family thinks about myself and my partner when I’m not there to hear them. Now, every time I see them I’m haunted by my…