When Your Aunt Uses a Homophobic Slur in Front of You

How one family member’s casual use of a slur changed the entire way I look at her, and at myself.

CW: Homophobic language.

A couple of months ago I wrote about an unfortunate incident that occurred during a recent visit to West Virginia. Readers of this publication will recall that when I was there last I had a very unpleasant encounter with my dad’s eldest sister, who essentially asked me not to visit her house with my partner. It was, as I wrote at the time, a jarring moment, since it disabused me of whatever foolish notion I’d had that my family’s homophobia would remain implicit rather than explicit. It was distressing, to be sure, but I tried to put it behind me and do the best that I could with the other members of my family who hadn’t been assholes.

Indeed, I hoped that, given my family’s WASPy pretensions and inability (or unwillingness) to address anything unpleasant, things would just go back to normal, that no one would say anything, and that we could put the whole unpleasantness behind us. It was, I admit, not the bravest of postures, but when you come from a family like mine, you do the best with what you have.

Then came yet another visit home, and yet another aunt decided to show an ugly strain of…