Of Two Minds: being diagnosed with ADHD at 42
I thought my super-fast mind was just part of my charm. But in the aftermath of big life changes, I was more scatterbrained than ever.
Here was a frequent scenario. See if it resembles your experience.
Big client meeting tomorrow with a Fortune 500 company. We’ll be giving a proposal. A proposal not yet started. It’s zero-hour, and I’ve pushed this particular task off until the last minute. Maybe I said it was, “because the whirlwind of work got in my way,” or “too much was going on at home.”
Whatever. Last-minute rush is the standard, not the aberration.
Open Sketch. Pick a previous proposal we’ve done. Change the image. Change the text. Move to the next page.
Brain 1: “Do I need to polish my shoes before I go tomorrow?”
Brain 2: “You need new shoes. And shoelaces. Those are old.”
Brain 1: “You’re right! Let’s look that up on Amazon.”
Brain 2: “Awesome!”
Off to Amazon. Searching for colored shoelaces. Finding some. Put them in the basket, but they won’t be here until after the meeting. Oh well, need them anyway. Buy ‘em.
Back to Sketch. Look at the screen.
Brain 1: Need to explain how our approach will be better. Okay. So. Yeah. How to do this?
Brain 2: It’s too quiet in here.
Brain 1: I can listen to music. I like music.
Brain 2: No music. Too much music already today. Need something different and more engaging!
Brain 1: Netflix & Work?
Brain 2: 👍
Fire up PS4. Wait for it to boot. Search on Facebook. Search the Verge for articles. Launch Netflix on the TV. Start looking around.
Brain 1: Documentary on the financial crisis?
Brain 2: DO IT!
Start the documentary. Watch the opening scene. Start working again. Get a page written. Move to the next.
Brain 2: Dude, this documentary sucks. Too boring.
Brain 1: Yeah. True.
Brain 2: Find something else.
See, I have to find some distraction that is interesting enough to keep Brain 2 occupied, so that Brain 1 can get the job done.
Too boring, too simple, too lame, well, Brain 2 gets fidgety and wants to search Twitter. Or Instagram. Wants to look up videos on YouTube. Too interesting, and all work stops so that we can fully engage and enjoy.
Basically, Brain 2 is an asshole, folks.
Decide on The Office for the 1,246,394th time. Okay. Now we’re cruising. Back to work.
Now, rinse, repeat, and keep going throughout the night. My two brains bantering back and forth, all the while trying to get work completed. Or art is done. Or anything.
Unless I was exceedingly excited about the task — like I usually am with cooking as you’ve probably seen from my other posts — then Brain 2 is gonna drift. He’s the devil on the shoulder of Brain 1.
And, folks, this is just how I thought I was. I thought it was a feature of a fast mind that could process things quickly. I may forget things. Or have trouble knowing people’s names. Or listening intently in a conversation with a client or friend, but that’s just because I’m so awesome that my brain is focusing on multiple things.
Like some Superhero with lots of arms that can START a whole lot of things…but not really get most of them done.
Until a traumatic experience showed me something different.
Sudden focus at the weirdest time
Divorce can be tough. Especially when you don’t see it coming. Particularly when you discover that your wife wants out on the day you sell your company. Definitely when you learn that lots of truths you thought were gospel seem to be total fabrications.
It’s a mind-fudge. #SorryNotSorry Her new truth had been part of her life for more than a year. I just didn’t know any of it. That’s great for her. Best wishes to all the happiness in the world, and yada yada yada, right? People gonna people.
But, for me? I was suddenly that lady who spilled hot coffee in her lap at the McDonald’s drive through. In shock, in pain, and suddenly very aware of everything around me.
Surprisingly I found myself reinvigorated and more focused than ever.
- My fitness got back on track.
- My house and decor started to come together after 2 years of neglect.
- My routines got defined, and beneficial.
- I began doing new things that I’d wanted to try — like attempting shellfish, or Krav Maga, or Kayaking, or, well, starting a blog about all the new things I was going to try.
- I was cooking so many new and wonderful things. And, that meant…
- I was writing. A lot. Man, that was awesome!
- Frankly, I was focused.
I felt like the next iteration of myself! It was absolutely insanely cool.
I could focus on things for the first time. Except at work. She was still working for the company but we weren’t really communicating what needed to be done. Collaboration died on April 1, 2019. Somedays she’d be around. Others she wouldn’t. Some days she’d be willing to work with me, at least for a bit. Other days she just refused. Work was triggering until she was able to find a great position elsewhere.
But, I had met someone and was in a great relationship. My work life had the chance to get back on track and I could utilize this newfound focus on achieving the next level of success. Hell yeah!
Candy Corns for Algernon
Then my Algernon moment came. My focus disappeared, like all of the Superheroes at the end of Infinity War. Dust in the wind.
Focus gone. Energy gone. Routine gone. Almost as fast as the newfound reality came, the old truth came crashing back down around me.
Except, this time, I knew that didn’t have to be the case!
I had seen what the world was like on the other side of my “super-quirky fast brain,” and it was better. Not by a little bit. By a lot.
I didn’t have to be this mess of unfocused ambition.
But, what happened? How did I get focus, then suddenly lose it? This made no sense. As I do, I started looking around the internet to figure this out.
What I found were lots of stories from people with ADHD.
I had always wondered if I had ADHD, but thought, “Well, ADHD is probably much more scatterbrained than this. I get stuff done, right? I have successfully started and ran a company. I’m just a little fast.”
No, it seems, that wasn’t the case. All the armchair/online assessments suggested that I had ADHD.
But, why was I able to focus suddenly after years of the Brain 1 & Brain 2 Dance-a-thon? According to the anecdotes of others, and now backed up by talking to professionals, Brain 2 was simply…busy!
The trauma of the divorce gave Brain 2 something to focus on. It had the job of holding back the torrent of emotions and keeping me sane.
Like, the biggest home-improvement project it had ever seen! Brain 2 kicked into overdrive. Brain 1 was able to start pouring through the list of to-dos that it had been attempting for years, without Brain 2 tapping on its shoulder.
Once I was on the other side of the trauma, and happier, Brain 2 went back to its old habits. Unfortunately, so did Brain 1.
Like Charlie in Flowers for Algernon, I was sitting here knowing that my mind was capable of a different way of operation, but I wasn’t able to will that into being. My inability to will things into happening is something I’m learning to get comfortable with.
Normally, I’d say, “Oh well! Let’s push through this!” But this time, I didn’t want that. I wanted to fix it. And, my amazing partner was supportive, understanding, and extremely kind to help give me the kind of nudging someone needs when they know they have to do something, but misplaced toxic masculinity or machismo is getting in the way.
At the same time, a friend I’ve had for over a decade let me know that he recently discovered that he had ADH. After going to the doctor, and finding treatment, he found the world to be a much different place. One he thought couldn’t exist.
Boy, that sounded nice. And, knowing someone as talented as him had finally finally tackled the beast at “our age” gave me more confidence to bite the bullet.
A month and a half of doctors
First, I started with my GP. He was was a bit dismissive, but referred me to a psychologist. Who, of course, wasn’t taking new patients.
But, she was in the same Counseling group as my personal therapist! And it clicked in, “My therapist knows my mind better than any new doctor would!” Thankfully, both my GP and Therapist agreed for her to do an assessment.
And, duh, I have ADHD Combined Type. Not a big surprise to those who know me, but it was a very welcome moment to realize that I wasn’t weird or special but suffering from something that was understandable. Something that was treatable.
Damn, this made a lot of sense, because, my life was frequently filled with the very key symptoms…
- Lack of focus, obviously
- Anxiety due to the mind trying to constantly figure things out ahead of time
- Impulsivity
- Need for instant gratification
- A graveyard of started and never finished projects
- Interruptions/not listening/waiting for my turn to speak/not focusing on what someone is saying when we’re talking (daydreaming)
- Need to constantly move some part of my body
- Procrastination in tasks that required significant mental effort
- Forgetfulness of dates, events, plans
- Loss of time/forgetting to eat or use the restroom when focused on a task I’m jamming on
Not everyone has all these symptoms, and there many that I don’t have. But, this was enough to paint a clear picture.
Next, my GP wanted me to go see a Psychiatrist for treatment. Something I didn’t know until this past month…getting in to see a psychiatrist is extremely difficult! I felt betrayed by all the years I invested in watching Frasier!
- The psychiatrist needed the ability to specialize in my treatment, ADHD.
- Then they had to take my insurance.
- Then they had to have availability.
Eventually, I found someone after a few weeks of dead-ends.
We met. We assessed. He agreed. He defined a first-stab at a treatment.
The beginning of this new road
Treatment has started. I won’t tell you specifically what chemical or dosage, cause my doctor said you’d ask for my drugs.
Don’t ask for my drugs. Thanks.
On the first day, the pill was taken before I left for work in the morning. On the drive, I felt a fog lift, and I felt my brain quieten. Not go silent, but just, quieten. Brain 2 was chill.
When I got into work, I realized that the little things that would set my Brains afire were just objects. Passing the coffee cart didn’t start the hundreds of thoughts like…
“Should I get coffee? Is the coffee good? I drink too much coffee. I have decaf in my office. But the Keurig is loud. But then I have to fill up my cup. Maybe after I go to the restroom. Maybe this afternoon. What snacks are over there? There’s a coffee shop downstairs. I wonder who’s down there? Can my hypertension take real coffee? How am I feeling today? Need to get my stress down. Shit, I need to have a meeting with X. That’s stressful. She’s buddies with Y, and we had that meeting a few weeks ago, that didn’t turn out well. I don’t like him, he backstabbed me. He’s always doing so much. I need to more. Need to get out in the community, volunteer. What could I volunteer for?”
Instead of this, I got, “Oh, hey, coffee.”
That was it! WTF?!
Work went better. Conversations went better. My speech slowed down, and I’m a notorious fast-talker. My anxiety was lower, because apparently even my anxiety disorder is related to my ADHD. The two are intertwined and I had no clue at all.
This is week 2, and we’ll see if this is the treatment for me. But, I’m unbelievably optimistic, and realize that even if I need more of something or a different something, that I don’t have to go back to the world of the two bickering brains. Sorry, fellas.
I can get stuff done. I can follow a task through to fruition. Maybe for the first time in a long time.
