Self-Care: Happy Birthday!
Using my birthday as a way to handle some much-needed self-care, while also reigniting my love for hosting others.
For years, October meant celebrating the founding of my company with a celebration we called Rocktober. Clients, friends, acquaintances, and sometimes competitors, would come and join in on the fun. It was a chance for our team to spend time together, in a non-work capacity. And, to some degree, it was also my birthday party.
Rocksauce was founded around October 21, 2010. The exact day we dunno. But, since October 21 was also my birthday, it made sense to claim the date. So, when Rocksauce had a birthday party, that also meant Q Manning was having a birthday party, even though we never billed it that way.
We had drinks. We had food vendors. Sometimes we had movies playing on a big-screen. Othertimes we had karaoke for all to enjoy. Once we even had a “print-on-demand” t-shirt station ran by our favorite t-shirt company in Austin, Texas, Kong.
Our company was based out of a little house downtown, so there was plenty of room to have hundreds of people enjoying themselves. Then, last year, we moved to a different spot for a lot of reasons. One, to save a little money. Two, because the house we were in had a raccoon problem that the landlord couldn’t fix. Three, there was only one restroom for 15 people and damn, that was tough.
Rocktober was a casualty of the move, though we didn’t know it at the time. October 2018 rolled around, and we collectively decided ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Since we were acquired in April, it hasn’t made a lot of sense to have a Rocktober 2019. While we are now celebrating our 9th year of business, we aren’t a small solo company anymore. Plus, we don’t have the space to have hundreds of people hang out or food trucks anymore.
Anxiety & Self-Loathing killed the Party
Okay, self-loathing may be overstating it a tad, but, there has always been a thread that runs in me that’s driven by my anxiety and at least some degree of disliking myself. A thread that keeps me from celebrating myself. That means I laud or help others instead, and therefore, as a person who is propping up others, be on the receiving end of gratitude and appreciation from those people.
The truth: I‘ve never liked myself enough to think I was worth celebrating with a party. And my anxiety had me constantly fretting that others would agree and never show up, even if I tried.
Anxiety is the biggest driving factor here. I’ve dealt with it for decades. In many places, I’ve overcome it because it was necessary — like in business. But, anxiety that people don’t like me enough, that I’m not worthy enough to be part of groups or cliques, that I’ll be left out of the guest-list, and yes, that no one will bother to show up for my birthday party if I throw one, is a reality for me.
That anxiety manifested itself in an outward disgust for those who did make a big to-do for their birthday party. People I know and love would have big weekend-long celebrations of their entry into the world. Some would even party it up the whole week!
“Who the hell do they think they are? Why are they worthy of celebrating an entire weekend? All of us were born. Get over yourself.”
None of that was about them. All of it was about me.
Everyone is worthy of celebrating a day, a weekend, a week, hell, maybe even a damn month! Most of the year, our personal struggles beat us down and wear us out, so why not take some time to be joyful that you made it around the sun another year?
My self-loathing caused me to project my own dislike for myself onto them. Since I didn’t think I was worthy of celebrating, well, why did they think they should be?
Screw that noise, folks.
Yes, I’ve had amazing birthday parties in the past
Don’t get me wrong, I have had great birthday parties. When I turned 40, my ex-wife did one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for me. She rented out a theater at the Alamo Drafthouse, invited a ton of my friends, showed a huge selection of my short-films, then we all watched a (weirdass) childhood favorite, Rock & Rule.
Since I didn’t like myself enough to throw a party, I relied on others to provide that self-worth for me. If someone cared enough to make a big to-do, well, then maybe I was worth it?
To all of those who I saddled with this burden, I apologize. You shouldn’t have been responsible for coddling my anxiety. I’m sorry.
Now, we celebrate Qoktober!
One morning as I got ready for work, I was chatting with my partner about how much I loved having parties. How much I love cooking for others. How much I love hosting events, and how it had disappeared from my life for the last few years.
Then it popped in my head. I grabbed one of the dry-erase markers I keep on the bathroom counter (because I like drawing surprise pictures or leaving sweet notes on my partner’s mirror), and wrote it out:
QOKTOBER
Yeah, you pronounce it as you think you would. Yeah, it’s a little cheeky. And, yeah, that’s very much who I am.
Instead of saddling my partner with the tedious job of contacting my friends, putting together some sort of secret get-together that would hopefully live up to my completely unknown expectations, I would do it myself.
And, as a huge benefit, it lets me reconnect with my love of hosting, having people over, and showing them how much I adore them all with lots of wonderful food. Something that I am embracing as very central to who I am.
So, how is this self-care?
Self-care is about making sure that you, as a person, are taken care of. Sorta like the oxygen mask on an airplane, put yours on first so you can help others.
Martyrdom syndrome is something I recognize in myself. Not a trait I’m proud of, but when my back is against the wall, I stop focusing on me and start trying to ensure that others have what they need. My psyche finds some sort of validation of self in this. Then, if the person doesn’t reciprocate or appreciate my sacrifices to the degree I want, then I find a reason to be offended.
It’s a nasty trait, folks. One I’m working hard to remove.
If you focus on others only, giving everything you have, then you start to let who you are rot away. And, inadvertently, that rot is also given to the others you’re trying to help. Through moodiness. Through anger. Through resentment. You create a negative situation you didn’t intend.
For me, a big step in not being a martyr, to getting the things I want, to being able to appreciate myself and have some self-care, is to throw a celebration.
A month of recipe experimentation
I love food. I love cooking. I get it from my mother, as do my brother & sister.
It’s been a fun month of figuring out the menu for the event and trying to find the best recipes for things. As my partner says, “The kitchen is Q’s happy place.” She’s very right about that.
Because it’s October, and because it’s called Qoktober, and because I love German food, I’m sorta playing with that theme. Loosely.
Pastrami
Though I’ve made pastrami from scratch before via sous vide & oven, I’ve never actually smoked it. For my birthday, my partner bought me a smoker.
Pastrami isn’t German. It’s Romanian. But, I love it, and it feels sorta German, right?
I have two briskets I’ve been brining for over a week now, so I may try two different methods. Fully-smoking one, and then sous-vide-then-smoking the other to see which is better. This type of experiment is very much me.
Scratch Pretzels & Beer Cheese
I’ve always wanted to make pretzels. Scouring the internet, I found some recipes I like and I’ve been testing them out. Through trial and error, I was surprised to discover that the Alton Brown pretzel recipe was a little one-dimensional. But, Sally’s Baking Blog’s Pretzel Recipe was amazing.
Still haven’t worked up the courage to use lye instead of baking soda. With my toddler Fox running around, that’s probably a good decision.
You can’t have big, soft pretzels without beer cheese. I’ve tried two different recipes for that, discovering that I prefer the thicker, creamier beer cheese spread to the more saucy, fondue style cheese you sometimes find. This recipe is fantastic, though I tweaked it by adding a little more mustard for my taste.
Scratch German Chocolate Cake
My favorite cake is German Chocolate Cake. Yes, it’s not really German. No, I don’t care.
But, the lack of rich chocolate flavor in most German Chocolate Cakes bugs me. When I decided I wanted to make a cake from scratch, because I’ve never done that before, I knew I wanted something different.
My bright idea? Try to use a richer, darker cake like what you’d see in a Black Forest Cake (a real German cake), and combine it with a delicious homemade coconut pecan frosting.
This experiment is still very much active!
As of this writing, I still haven’t determined what recipe I will be using for this. I’m a cook, not typically a baker. I go by instinct and taste. Baking is a science of math and numbers and formulas. It’s tougher to get used to.
So far, I’ve tried three scratch chocolate cake recipes. Two were failures, and that was partially because I was a dork and followed the recipe incorrectly.
Oh, and uh, if you bake a cake for 35 minutes, when you decide to test a recipe by doing cupcakes instead, you shouldn’t bake those for 35 minutes as well. Cause, y’know, it’ll be a dry, crumbly mess. Who knew?
(Answer: Everyone who bakes but me.)
Last night’s recipe was pretty damn good. But, tonight, I’m trying one more that uses sour cream, espresso powder, and a little coffee. Very excited to see which I prefer!
Much more is on the menu. Most of it I’ve made before like German Potato Salad, Braised Red Cabbage, and other things. My partner is making a strudel.
Yay for self-care
This is one of my earlier forays into self-care. Getting diagnosed and treating my ADHD was, too. That’s turned out pretty well. Hopefully appreciating myself and thinking I’m worth it with a nice Qoktober will also turn out well.
All of this is to help my quest to be the person I see in my head. That more ideal version of myself.
Because my family is worth it. My relationship is worth it. My business is worth it.
And, doggone it, I’m worth it.
Update 1:
Tonight’s chocolate cake test was a resounding success. Interestingly enough, the recipe comes from the same blog that provided me with the best soft pretzel recipe as well.
If you need to make a chocolate cake that knocks people’s socks off, I have to say, this is the one you should use!
Sally’s Baking Addiction Upgraded German Chocolate Cake Recipe
