Identifying the things you may not just want, but probably need, so when it comes around, you can buck-up and grab it.
One of the interesting things that happens after divorce is how much free advice you get from everyone. Particularly around dating and getting back into the swing of things. Psychological and relationship experts abound, it seems, when direct experience is the primary qualifier.
Funny, though, that no one really has the same advice…
“Date as many people as you can!”
“Don’t date anyone for six months!”
“Keep it casual with the first 3 women, then enter small relationships that you know aren’t permanent, then you’ll be ready for the real thing when it happens.”
“Avoid the dating apps. They’re a trap. No one good there. Meet people in the real world.”
Thing is, what worked for Fred after his 27 year marriage ended isn’t the same thing that’s going to help Jennifer feel better when her husband of 1 year left her for a younger woman.
You get my point. Everyone’s different, yo. We all have desires, needs, cues, and those things that make us feel safe. So, no, there isn’t really any magical formula for what a post-divorce dive back into the dating pool should be like.
But…
I have to give gratitude to those who gave me their advice. People tell you their truth, and though it won’t match up exactly, life lessons can be taken. Landmarks and danger zones can be identified early.
Opening your heart, your home, and yourself up to someone new after a big life event can be tough. Any and all advice, whether you take it or not, can be helpful in some way. Sure, you may disagree that the dating apps are a barren wasteland, but, knowing the experiences of friends and acquaintances may help you get the most out of them.
My situation is different from others, so, you can take from it what you will.
Old habits probably stay dead
My first concern was, “Man, I know who I was a decade ago, and I really, really can’t be that guy again.”
Trust me, you don’t wanna know the details. Let’s just say that, even though it was a decade removed, I still went on the Q Manning Was An Asshole So Here’s a Much Needed Far Too Late Apology Tour 2019. Wonderful people were willing to sit down with me. Direct, open communication about who they were, and in a frank manner, who I was. Each learned what they should have been told before — nothing that happened was their fault. I was broken, not them.
Catharsis aside, facing who I had been showed me how far from that person I now was. Most of the things that motivated me in 2008 or 2010 were now alien to me entirely. Even if something felt familiar, it was a remote connection. Not a central driving factor.
Good news? Yes, because I didn’t like who that guy was. Bad news? If the old habits didn’t fit anymore, what was the new reality going to be?
I thought back on my last 10 years and asked myself the following…
- What brought me joy on a regular basis?
- What did I miss most?
- What caused the most consistent pain?
- What are my love languages?
All of it rolled up into one big thing: honest communication was vital.
Relationships don’t work if both parties are suspicious and defensive.
Once you open yourself to someone else, it’s never going to sustain itself if you can’t be true to who you are, what you feel and what you need. Resentment of having to hide your truth sets in, which manifests in anger, disdain, guilt, and so many asinine arguments about the dumbest things imaginable. Like where you’re going to eat dinner on any given Thursday night.
Who fights about that kinda shit? Unhappy people, folks.
I talk fast, I think fast, I process fast. Sometimes it’s a curse, like when I’m trying to give a presentation and one of the comment cards read, “I’ve never heard someone talk so fast in my life. I’m so confused!” Other times, though, it’s a blessing, like when I’ve got to assimilate a ton of data fast, and make a quick decision.
Living your life honestly, whether good or bad, means knowing what core values you hold close. Creating the list above, then defining the parameters of how I could be a better person, and one day, find a compatriot who fit my puzzle piece, was going to be necessary.
Can you be fulfilled if you don’t know what fulfills you? Will happiness sustain if you aren’t able to pin-down what makes you happy? Seems like a bad recipe, to me. Knowing information about yourself, the one person who you’re going to be stuck with every day of your life, makes a lot of sense to me.
