I introduced our company president to some investors and they found ways to work together. He poked his head in my office one morning and reported great progress. Then he left.

In the moments after he left, I sat and thought about how fantastic that connection was. I was delighted I had been able to contribute to our company through those introductions. I wanted to be useful.

I also recognized a strong temptation to remind him that I was the one who introduced them. Perhaps just a slight reference, something subtle, incidental. I wanted it like an addict.

But then I thought about how wrangling some sort of admission of my part in the deal would be inappropriate. Those comments would come from an empty, insecure person, desperate for affirmation.

In those quiet, difficult moments after he left I rehearsed the answers to the big questions of my life. I am loved. My approval rating does not come from any of this. I know my identity and my purpose. Failure does not name me. Other’s opinions do not name me. Even success does not name me. I am filled from a different place.

This interior conversation is the battleground for order in my mind and heart. I can’t stop the chaos, confusion, and desire for approval from rumbling in my head. I live with that. I am a flawed human with broken thinking.

However, if I see it, face it, enter it, and bring order to my thinking, maybe it will not escalate into control, manipulation, and power games. When I do not engage and resist, I become a tyrannizer. Let me explain.

In this particular situation, if I do not resist the euphoria I think I’ll find in the approval of others, there will be unintended consequences. My friend will experience a weird pressure to approve of me. He may see it clearly or experience it subliminally in our relationship, but in the future, he will be cautious. Manipulation by others normally creates resistance. They look at you differently. He would put up boundaries. It would not be his fault, but mine. I did not intend those consequences, but they would have been the result.

This interior work is very hard work. It’s a kind of dying. We are killing off what we want from others by resisting the urge to use people for our fullness.

Affirmation and encouragement are not bad things. They actually really help us. But we can’t control what other people give to us. We must be passive, receiving rather than taking by manipulation. When we do not receive affirmation and encouragement, we must find fullness from another place.

We are beautiful, flawed, powerful, and complicated creatures. I want to be a healthy human, so I sit quietly and try to remember.