Why I Almost Left the Church

My family isn’t quite religious. I grew up going to mass but never talked about what the responses were, what prayer was, and who Jesus was. I went to Catechism but it was taught by an older woman who volunteered to teach. I went to take my first holy communion and still had no idea what transubstantiation was. I made my first confession but had no idea what the difference was from just praying it to God. Oh yes, and what is prayer and why does it feel like I am talking to myself?

My experience is not unique. Millions of kids in the US are taught by volunteers and laity who mean well but have never taken a theological class in their life. Not a classroom management class. Not a non-profit leadership class. As long as we followed the books, the instructors were just fine.

Then there were the priests. I never knew their names. They spoke about scripture and the ten commandments and asserted all kinds of beliefs about sex, purity, prayers, sexuality, obeying parents, and so on. I never knew their names because, frankly, it didn’t matter because they all said the same stuff.

The music was always a guy on the guitar. It was always bad. The words seemed trivial and seemed like he was their only to take up time until the real important stuff at mass happened. Despite the amazing history of music founded in the Catholic church, I was hearing Pan de Vida for the 900th time. The organ sat off to the side and the pianist seemed to play only once in a while. The words seemed trivial and were filled with metaphors about joy and happiness. How was it different from listening to a Disney song? I had no idea where the music was found but it didn’t seem to matter since no one was singing anyway.

The people were nice enough but everyone came in the church like a public bus. No one talked with each other except I always tried to catch the eye of a cute girl at mass during the passing of the peace. Everyone came clutching their rosary and women covered their hair. People ignored each other even if people came late only to receive the Eucharist.

As I got older, I understood more of how the Church taught. The word “theology” was hardly used. There was no difference between faith, belief, and theology. It was all “church teaching.” People recited prayers, used the same metaphors, and spouted back the same vocabulary. God never changes. But as we change throughout our lives and the generations, it seems like we, as the church, have become comfortable with not changing either.

That doesn’t mean that Vatican II was not a noble attempt. It was. It showed the world what Catholicism was and reaffirmed many of its teachings and truths.

So what? People still just recited what they were taught. Prayers, prayer positions, and metaphors became commonplace. The rosary was said daily. Weren’t these things good enough for God? Have we not memorized enough scripture? Or just maybe, are we treating God like a transaction?

I almost left the church. The poor catechism classes, bad music, and standoffish people were too much for me. I also wanted to keep my intellectual freedom. I didn’t want my thoughts to become those of the Catholic church because they told me to believe it. Belief must be believed without harassment or bias.

I didn’t leave the church and never plan to. The church is filled with great people who are doing their best. Many priests suffer loneliness and genuinely feel abandoned and hopeless. Catechists love their church so much that they devote time to help teach children for free. The church needs help and it is better with us in it, so long as we voice our grievances and help each other.

We must doubt what we believe in order to make it stronger. We must believe in professional development in the church in order to provide direction and equip leaders to catechize effectively. We must not take metaphors literally in the Bible, lest we succumb to fundamentalism and laziness in critical thinking. We must wrestle with theology and understand the difference between an unchanging God and adapting a new interpretation of scripture. We must learn that there is a connection between sacred song and theology. What and how we sing is what and how we believe. We need to learn the difference between being moral and being Biblical because they are not always the same thing. We must remember that knowing all the saints, prayers, and responses of the mass are not the key to being a good Catholic.

I stay in the church to bring these things to light and improve upon it. I never believed that obedience meant holding back what I personally believe. Some of what I believe may be inconsistent with certain teachings of the church but this wouldn’t be the first time that the church would have to justify its claims. And if the church’s teachings cannot be justified without resorting to metaphors and vague reasons, they ought to be publicly challenged and perhaps changed. Just because God doesn’t change doesn’t mean that we don’t either.

Stay in the church. Love it with all your heart. And change it for the better. It’s not perfect. So let’s work on it.