Let’s talk about Shame
By Brett Dupuy, LMSW
Everyone experiences shame. But what most people probably don’t realize is that there are 2 kinds: Regular shame vs. Core shame.
The 2 types of shame:
Shame is that excruciating feeling that signals we fell short of who or what we wanted to be in the eyes of another. Our body reacts to shame in visceral ways: our face gets hot, we want to run, lash out, or check out. For some of us, this is a temporary state that passes — we experience regular shame, and we move on. We’re able to frame the shaming situation as a singular event, and don’t attribute it to our self-worth. For others, the experience of shame is more pervasive. It triggers a deep seated belief that they are fundamentally flawed or unlovable. In the therapy world, we call this core shame.
When someone experiences core shame, a deeply seated belief of being fundamentally flawed or unlovable is triggered in that person.
The role of past experiences
Core shame can often be traced back to relational trauma. As children, the idea that our caretakers or that our world are “bad” is just too overwhelming.
So in order to protect ourselves, we attribute our caretakers’ shortcomings as our own.
For example, children of divorced parents often blame themselves for the separation, asking themselves “did I do something to make them leave?” even though the situation was entirely out of their hands.
Other children may have had a parent or caretaker who had very little bandwidth for them due to being overwhelmed with work demands or a mentally unwell sibling. Again, not being old enough to understand the complexities of the situation, the child can attribute the lack of attention to their lack of importance, or being unlovable. Getting over just one of these events is a massive task on its own. Unfortunately, there are many people who have had repeated events like this over the course of their development, each compounding on the other and fueling beliefs that then trigger core shame.
The role of internalized oppression and societal wounds
For those with marginalized identities, unpacking core shame becomes more nuanced. By its very nature, oppression is contingent upon assigning negative characteristics to a group of people. Being bombarded with images that don’t reflect your reality, or tell you that you are in some way flawed is it’s own kind of trauma.
This trauma is only exacerbated if someone has been the recipient of violence for one of their identities by peers and/or authorities. Over time, people can internalize the violence and accept negative messages projected onto them as true, which can contribute to a self belief that “I’m powerless, weak, or defective.”
Understanding your reactions to shame
Shame is a tricky emotional state to heal from. It’s insidious, and plays in the background of our interactions. Because the experience of shame is hard to recognize in the moment, we can look towards our behaviors to better understand what’s going on internally.
Take a look at the following 4 categories of behaviors that arise when you are feeling intense emotions. Do you recognize yourself in one of the following categories?
- Hiding from Others: Isolating, avoiding situations
- Hiding from Yourself: Engaging in compulsive behaviors (drugs, sex, shopping)
- Attacking Others: Lashing out, blaming, getting even
- Attacking Yourself: Putting yourself down
This tool, called The Compass of Shame, was developed by Dr. Donald Nathanson to help identify emotions and behaviors that emerge when we are feeling shame.
Moving towards a new relationship with yourself
If you identified with any of the behaviors above, you are not alone.
There is a way to survive shame attacks and maintain your sense of self-worth regardless of how much its hurts.
Let’s start by recognizing that the behaviors you have collected to deal with shame served you well at one point in your life and have come about in order to help you survive.
Give yourself a break.
Then, we can start the slow work of befriending the parts of ourselves that hide and attack us when triggered.
Ask them: what purpose they have served, how they’ve protected you, and what they need from you?
Sometimes this internal check-in when feeling distressed can be enough to slow things down and reduce the sting.
Finally, if and when you’re ready, it’s helpful to examine our feelings of shame and the way they show up in our lives with a licensed therapist. Therapists can be a great referee between us and our negative emotions and self-talk that can be the result of deep-seated shame, teach us techniques and skills in order to regulate ourselves, and practice having a different internal dialogue as we move towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with ourselves.
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Disclaimer: All content is provided for educational and informational use only and is not a replacement for therapy or mental health services. Comments and direct messages are not confidential and should not be treated as a diagnosis tool.
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