Journal Entry
Thoughts from a depressed mind
Postpartum depression has become a relentless little pain in my booty.
I try so hard to motivate myself to write, really anything.
My mind is in a tizzy every day and I feel like I am drowning.
I just want to feel normal and not like a burden upon everyone I know. It’s paralyzing this depression and I try so hard to just “be okay” but I am not okay.
My chest hurts and my body is against me, and my trauma is like an active volcano ready to erupt at any time to swallow me whole.
My counselor says Nikita you just need time and things will get better.
But I am one of those people who would very much appreciate a time and date. Like those toy 8 balls, you shake it and if you don’t like the answer, you keep shaking till you get what you want, why can’t life be like that? I would love that.
Anyway, this is me venting because like has been crappy and sometimes I just want to scream and say screw you universe. Screw you depression and double-screw you PTSD… but I also know the only way out is through.
I must walk and venture through the muck and pain I feel, or I will never know if I could have change and a better happier existence.
I got out of bed today for more than 5 minutes.
I am damn proud of myself for that.
I must keep trying and keep living but sometimes I just can’t move.
“I just want to smile and not put on a show. I want to be truly undeniably happy.”
-Nikita Rayne Johnson
