“Scientists” say that urban seagulls and rural seagulls
(‘rural’ for seagulls means they live by water
which is weird because ‘rural’ for humans
means they live by land and corn)
have become so distinct that they rarely interact
and soon will become completely different species.
What if seagulls aren’t even real?
I could see a world
where white-winged surveillance robots
get sent by somebody with big plans.
The eyes already look like little beady secret cameras.
Once I went to a KGB museum
and you’d be shocked at all the ways they concealed cameras,
knives, guns, and niacin pills.
You can lose a lot of wars with these items tucked beneath the crown
of your hardest-to-reach molar.
I wonder all the time what it’d be like to have hollow bones
because flying means nothing if your arm breaks
when someone greets you.
I’d hate for webbed toes to be my redeeming quality.
Anything shared between a frog and a bird is really quite strange.
What if I too could drink water through my skin?
I watched the shape of water once on a nice date
with a bad person
at a nice theater
w/ full service, free popcorn, and scratchy ass blankets.
I watched it bootleg the next day
because I felt bad about being excessive.
I also know someone who can turn a bathroom into a swimming pool
(just like that)
that can turn a phone into a magnifying glass
(just like that).
(Uffff she’s so good at distraction.)
Would it be useful to drink through the skin?
I feel like it would be so easy to get poisoned.
Conversely, I feel like I’d poison people all the time.
Imagine if every instance in your life
someone spilled something on you,
you automatically had to drink that thing,
wouldn’t that be terrible?
“Sometimes things are just terrible”
I said to a late bloomer to pessimism
as she sat on the edge of my bed.
She wore a face like she’d never thought of that before
and I was equal parts enamored and jealous.
“I’ve never thought of that before”
I smile(d) in space-time.
“Don’t laugh at me!”
I had no idea I was laughing
(I probably wasn’t laughing)
Some people hold their opinions in baskets
made of swiss cheese
(baskets already have holes)
and opinions only come in liquid
and gaseous forms anyway.
When I was growing up I always heard these jokes
about underwater basket weaving
and I swear to god i never understood a single one.
I think there are a lot of jokes
that everyone pretends to love.
I think people feel like having
a misaligned sense of humor
makes it seem like
they’re not well-adjusted.
I AM TOO WELL-ADJUSTED
(laughs in maniac)
If one of your legs is shorter than the other
you’ll adjust with custom shoes.
If your shoes aren’t well adjusted
you might fuck around and end up
with some blisters.
If you can’t adjust your sense of self
in the context of the rest of the billions
there are lots and lots
of books about your not-so-happy ending.
If I work my whole life I’ll probably die.
(I hate formal affairs)
But I do think there are people who won’t.
I think we’ll have a reliable way to transfer form
so anyone can be anything
like a robot or a donut
or a stupid dumbass seagull.