I am F#@king NOT Dead!
The disposal of the corpse, deeply frozen, had taken place
They had only opened the zipper 4 inches
The zipper of the white plastic bag
to not even show his whole face
His yellow, bony, waxy, curves had become grim
and rough like an unfamiliar cliff
ID-viewing, the boy called it
It was a boy, and I had wanted a man
a real man, a wise man, a man of knowledge and understanding
and soft eyes
A man who could just smile like the Dalai Lama
Or even a magician who could undo it all
But it was a boy just doing his job
“Ready?”
Without waiting for an answer
He pushed the cardboard box in the machine
Pushed the red button and gestured us to leave
Right at Cocopalms, it struck me
About twenty minutes after
Out of the blue it came
First a sharp pain
Then agony… and he said
What the … ?
My body!!!NOOOOOO! Stttoooooop!
I am not Dead!
This is my body
My body of flesh and blood
My life
My hunger
I am still here
I am thirsty for life
My skin still breathing
My hair, my beautiful curls still dancing
My hands grasping
I Need my body
I scream through walls of fire
Through walls of glass
Through walls of hunger
In earthly caverns
Caught by tangled strings still attached
Ashes. Fire. Heat. Molten lava
Dripping grief
This wall of fire
Demanding me to melt
Pulling without remorse
Glazing, blazing, smoldering
What was dense
Now sizzles, liquid
Yet, No phoenix to arise yet
Utter abandonment
I threw myself into the fire and let myself burn
But I have not turned into gold
I am still a maze tangled in earth
With spiders and hollow caves and dripping water
Still drilling down to find water
Drilling deep into earth, in vessels
And streams, and rocks and stones and bones
And drumming and beating
And stretching and drilling
And knocking
Knocking, knocking, on that door
Let me in!
Let me!
Here, while head is squeezed with claws and beak of beast
And feet are pulled by creatures of destruction
And ripping of dreams
In heat oooh, in heat
Tearing out of memories
Lessons lived
Croissants eaten
I am body
I am body
I am fr#cking body
Don’t take it away!
Don’t take away all that I am!
All that I have!
My house
How can you take away
All that I have built?
That I am plugged into?
That only I can do?
Because I can do it better
Than anybody else
And that strange invasion in my house
That started to grow
Like a mushroom
Like a bomb
Turning me into ash inside
I have to conquer it
I have to kill it
Because that is who I am
A man
I am a man to kill and drive.
Why am I ripped apart?
In all directions
Can any body, can anybody please tell me?
Please?
While I watch Christel laugh with friend
And kids count money and possessions
And I walk through walls
And am unseen
My heart a hollow
Absence
My hand
I can stick it right in it
Where am I now?
Breath. Light. Fire.
Breath. Light. Fire.
Turning everything upside down
Why is dying so fr#@king hard?
A thousand eyes, looking at me
A thousand eyes, looking from in me, looking out
At all the mess I made…
Christel Janssen
