Choose Life

I want to talk briefly about abortion from a shift in perspective from pro-choice, to pro-life.

I underwent a D & C in March of 2008. It was the end of winter and I was dating a man who I knew that I wasn’t going to marry and while I was going through finals for my associates degree. He sprung it on me that he was leaving to travel the world indefinitely in three days. I saw him for the final time to say goodbye and knew that I had conceived.

The entire process around this decision was made out of complete disregard for the emotional, psychological and spiritual impact that my entire life would endure as result. No one tells you about the repercussions of abortion and its lifetime of trauma. The physical trauma is another story…I’ll leave out to gory details, from cramps, to bleeding-out in public place and needing further hospitalization… Maybe I’ll include them in the abortion chapter in my book one day, who knows?

I know some of you reading this are going to roll your eyes and think to yourselves that what I did shouldn’t have an impact on me because it wasn’t a baby. But that’s exactly what the adversary wants us to believe as we are in denial of a life that was created, including an entirely disassociated state with the magnitude of what it means to take the life of another. The entire pro-choice movement, is a pro-death movement. Anyone claiming pro-choice, is a hater of women who choose life. In reality, that isn’t pro-choice; that’s pro-death. It’s a hard pill to swallow…I used to be there. To be at this stage in my life, wanting nothing more than to come into contact with all of myself, and all the aspects of myself that have been hidden, it’s taken 15 years for this secret to come out.

When I was in the pro-death mindset, I didn’t think that fetuses were babies. I was conditioned to believe that this was a form of birth control, and that there was nothing wrong with terminating a fetus, fundamentally, nor did I even think about the impact of my psychological health after the procedure. The reality for me is that when I first learned that I was pregnant, my initial inclination was to kill it immediately. Kill it. My first thought was that whatever this was, it needed to die. Rest with this for a moment. Abortion is killing… And if I was killing something, it surely was alive before.

I remember calling my sister friend with whom I had gotten into some minor hard drugs. I asked her to get us an eight-ball and whiskey. She asked if I was pregnant and I said yes. She made a joke about a coat hanger and throwing me down the stairs. I laughed. It was morbid. Thinking back on who I was at that time — I am having a really hard time empathizing with myself or the thought process I had around life… as if it was a throw away. When I think back from the level of awareness, consciousness, and experience I have now, I pity who I was then. I was conditioned by society to think that the very thing that creates us as adult humans, in its earliest stages was not even considered life.

Are we awake to the reality of the programming that society has penetrated into our minds? Seriously. If this makes you angry, I’m certain you are still in denial about life, and still programmed. Sorry, not sorry for bringing it up this way.

I am here, 15 years later, in my prayer with God asking Him to evaluate the posture of my heart and bring to light aspects of myself that I haven’t yet repented or even acknowledged. Fortunately, God is extraordinary and never fails to answer me when I make my requests for self-awareness and healing. In Him blessing me with sight, the memories of my time as a pro-choice advocate revealed to me the reality that I had committed pre-meditated murder on my first-born child. Those are intense and harsh words, yeah…they are. But the harsher reality is… IT’S TRUE. And having come to this side of the cross, where I see the juvenile state of my mind, my selfishness and my fear of rejection, abandonment and ‘ruining my life’ with a child, I realize my entire emotional state about this situation had been buried. Legit… complete and utter disassociation.

If you don’t know what disassociation is, it’s a protective mechanism in the brain that stops us from identifying with traumatic situations. The trauma is often too difficult to bear at the time that we have endured the impact so the brain fragments itself in order to self-protect so the person can continue living life seemingly unaffected. What we don’t learn until we dig, is that disassociation is the culprit of unconscious/subconscious reactionary behaviors that seem random on the outside, and seem to have a very vague meaning psychologically, UNTIL the traumatic memory comes back into conscious states and we have a chance to unpack it.

Abortion is trauma. It’s wrapped into one of most hideous packages of trauma anyone can endure because the impact lasts a lifetime and often goes completely unacknowledged. Plus, it’s self-induced. We are literally programmed to kill babies. Since the pro-death movement doesn’t account for the reality of what actually happens inside a mother’s body while they have conceived nor the connection they have to that life within them, the impact of killing that life isn’t’ spoken about. You can 100% rest assured that there are going to be some serious functional changes that occur. Ever wonder why women are so angry? Hateful towards men? Berating men? Subordinating men? There’s a reason why all of this happens, and it’s because of buried trauma that hasn’t been accounted for, that is revealed through the reactivity of our behavior. Wake up.

Abortion is also sin. To kill the life of another is sinful in the eyes of the Lord. No killing is permitted in the presence of God. I realize there are dire circumstances that may require the release of a fetus; a child, but we aren’t talking about those dire situations. We are talking about the reality of abortion as a means of birth control deeming it ‘reproductive health’. I know women who have had upwards of 3 abortions. Seriously. To endure that kind of trauma, and not even know that trauma was endured… I pray for these women to come into full awareness of the magnitude of damage this does to us as women in society so as to prevent this dysfunction from being passed into our future generation of daughters. It is in how God created us, that we’d bear children for the world. Naturally, all children come through the portal of women.

With the creation of all kinds of technology, and mind-control programming, there are other realities out there that can make anything conceive. The natural manner of child bearing is with a man and a woman; his seed and her egg uniting to create life. LIFE. We are mentally hijacked if we don’t identify life in conception. Yes, we are. And… I was there, too. My mental hijacking told me it was okay to use drugs and alcohol to self-induce a miscarriage and then undergo a D & C to excavate the remains of my unborn child.

My baby was seven weeks old. I asked God what gender she was and revealed that her name was Zephaniah. It means “God has hidden.” In 2022, as I came into the fullness of what I had done — taken a life, impacted my womb physically and spiritually as well as impacting my mental health subconsciously for a lifetime (and potential future generations), I came to the feet of my savior. I had nowhere else to go. How was I ever going to forgive myself? How is forgiveness for murder even possible? I wept at my stupidity, and naivety in thinking that anything conceived in my womb was not a child. I hated myself so greatly for being so unconscious to this and all of the buried emotions from my disassociated state came rushing back into my memory. I began the healing process with fully coming face-to-face with the truth that I killed a child, and that there was nothing I could do to redeem myself. Facing God, I bowed my head, and kneeled begging Him to forgive me. How could I not have known!? What a ploy the enemy has over the minds of innocent women thinking that pro-choice is honorable; that killing is honorable. As I stood before God, I came to terms with the reality that I possibly would never be able to forgive myself for what I did; that so much of my self-hatred and difficulty with intimacy rested on my fear of rejection and abandonment, that it lead me to rejecting and abandoning life within me. I confessed everything that my heart had not expressed or even knew that it needed to express. I spent time fully scouring every corner of my mind and heart, and my body to fully let go and surrender all of my trauma and pain at the feet of Jesus.

I realized that I needed to let myself grief for this brutal decision that I made. Grieve… for a child that I chose to kill. It seems like an oxymoron. How do you grieve a situation that you were so fully in agreement with in the past, and having been called into the purpose of God, that He would ask me to see myself the way He saw my choice? So, I grieved… the way He grieved. Every time a child is killed, God grieves. I let myself feel every regret as I relived the entire situation from start to finish. I let God show me why I did what I did, and why I simply cannot support abortion as a means of birth control, now. I let Him guide me into the love of His heart as He told me that He forgave me, even when I still cannot fathom fully forgive myself. I realize that the only way to fully redeem myself is to let the blood on my hands be fully washed by the blood of Christ while also sharing my story with the world.

My calling isn’t something that I chose. In the past, my choices killed. But now, my calling is who God is IN me as I receive the fullness of Christ’s redeeming power and mercy while walking that out with the deepest reverence for life.. Never would I have thought of myself as a murderer, and here I am…not in jail for the murder that I committed. That isn’t through my choice. It’s through the grace and mercy of God upon my life.

To anyone who is pro-choice. I urge you to seek deep within your heart to see what traumas you are disassociating with and placing a stamp of approval over the murdering of innocent children. Every child that dies as a result of the “yes” we have in regards to the pro-death movement, is a blood stain on our hands. Pro-death, I say, because in the fallacy of ‘choice’ there would be no hatred towards pro-lifers…but let’s be real, there is a lot of hate for us. I don’t hate the people who have been programmed to think that pro-choice is honorable. I cannot hate people, and it is impossible to hate an aspect of myself, as I was once pro-choice. I hate the movement and the principalities behind it, though. I know it is the work of the enemy focused on keeping our minds fragmented, disassociated with self-righteousness and choosing a life that glorifies our personal needs rather than the righteousness of God.

I am redeemed by the blood of Christ. His blood has washed my hands clean of the murder that I committed, and as a result, I will NEVER make this mistake again. I wish the same for the other 1.5M women who choose voluntarily to endure this level of trauma and impact to their bodies, mental health and emotional well-being. The trauma will never go away. Those memories will never go away. I don’t feel any relief as I thought I was going to feel the day that I had the procedure done. I will endure this pain for the rest of my life until I am reunited with my beloved Zephaniah in the realms of light when I cross-over. It is only by the grace of God Himself, that I have a chance at new life. It is only by the mercy of my Father in Heaven that I can share this secret with the world knowing that I will be rejected by many, ridiculed and judged. But if it saves only one woman from not going through the abortion, then my story has had an impact of a lifetime.

I pray for those who are seeking solutions for the life that is being formed in them. I want to remind you that you were once that life that was being formed in your mother’s womb. And just as you have a purpose that has been derived from the heart of God, so does this child in your womb. If you think there are no solutions, you are mistaken. There are more solutions that you can understand. And, yes, you will have to endure the birth, and you will have a child…but you don’t have to live with buried regret, unconscious self-hatred, subconscious reactionary states and all of what comes with ending a life. Instead, you will have a chance at life, just as this child will have a chance at life by the power of your spirit and the love in your heart. There is another way. And you are supported when you choose life. God will see you and honor you, for the life you are carrying is His.

“God sets before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life — if you and your offspring would live — by loving your God, heeding God’s commands, and holding fast to the Holy One.” (Deuteronomy 30:19–20)

God, bless you for your mercifulness. It is beyond me how you can forgive such a foolish people. My heart breaks at this treacherous decision that I made that broke your heart, too. My only redemption is that you somehow have had grace upon my life, and that truth settles me into self-forgiveness. Without you, I would continue to make poor decisions that dishonor you. Father, take care of my sweet daughter Zephaniah, and thank you for the reward of my heinous crime when I return to your spirit that I shall be reunited with her. Your mercy is greater than I can ever imagine. I pray that your daughters come into agreement with your heart knowing that every single conception is one that is planned by you and not a single one of those is a mistake. Father, teach us to love as you do, and not to fornicate outside of a union in full covenant with you and our husbands. Help us to walk upright before you, not defiling the life of man through what we think it is, but to live the way you call us to live; in purity, in holiness and blemish-free. Father, expand our capacity for truth and help us to bear the crimes we have committed against ourselves through the hijacking of our minds. Help us to forgive as you have and help us to have mercy for one another in our errors. Father, correct us and lead us to your gate of truth and as we stand there face-to-face with Truth Himself, Christ Jesus, let us remember that our freedom came with a price of His blood. Without Christ, we’d have no freedom from ourselves. Father, thank you for a way back to you. Forgive us. And empower us to walk as women of God who uphold life as sacred and a blessing from heaven. I pray, Father, that you reach the ones on the edge, and that you would overcome them with peace in keeping this child within them. Give them strength to endure and to persevere for the life within them, and their life too, is precious. God, bless them; bless us, your children, that we would no longer live with blindless but with our eyes single on the light that is you. I pray all these things in the powerful and mighty name of Yeshua Hamashiach. Amen.