I WANT NOTHING

by m.s.wardrip

I was sleeping good. They woke my up Christmas morning when I was five years old. I didn’t want to get up. They kept telling me to go over to the tree and see the presents under it. I didn’t want to get up. Morning is not a time of celebration for me. I did get up, but I could not feel the connection between the presents and me. It felt like they were not mine. My Mama insisted I be happy and have fun. It must have been frustrating for her. She wanted joy in her baby's eyes. All she got was bewilderment. Why not just leave things like they are? I thought to myself. Why do we intervene? Why don’t we just be satisfied with our lot in life? Why don’t we let nature run it’s course?

Oh, they gave answers, society did. They gave me answers to questions I never asked and failed to answer questions I did ask. It was somewhere in a cow pasture near a gravel road, on top of a high hill, looking to the East that I did my reckoning. I spoke to the sky, one on one with God. I said I was confused. He said there is only me, the one God. I said, “Deal! You be my one and only God and I will be your child.” We shook on it and I went back to my solving mysteries.

My Daddy told me when I was about four years old that the Native American Indians had the ability to put their ear to the ground and hear how near the locomotive railroad train was. He also taught me that indians could walk through the woods without making a sound in their moccasins.

On one occasion on the dirt road, on the farm, near the natural spring water trough and the cattle pond I had a spiritual experience. I got on my knees, leaned my head to the ground and put my ear and hearing to the test to see if I could hear a train coming. What I got was something else… a vision. The vison was in slow motion. I was being trampled by a stampede of horses. It was a big white horse that was right at me inches away. I felt no pain. I wasn’t getting hit by the hooves. The hooves came down slowly, smacking the dirt road surface and the clouds of dust were exploding with each foot down. It felt ancient. Later in life I developed a dark splotch of skin on my forehead. I think that is where I finally, must have gotten kicked by the horse. It feels like it happened 2800 years ago.

Now is no different. I will be Sixty-Four on my next birthday. I think there is only one God. I’m a monotheist. I think nature will run it’s course. I think we are connected in many ways that we choose to be connected. I want nothing.

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