Slick Modern City Apartment

By m.s.wardrip

Surrounded by a forest of concrete, steel, wires and bolts, I forge onward, trudging through the dawn to get my first coffee and donut of the brand new day. I feel like a clump of moist clay, in my own hands, at the potter’s wheel. Oh, the possibilities!

Madge was unimaginable as an interior decorator. She took pains to get it just right and she did me well in her service to my apartment. Her and her group arranged the most complete project from design to open house. I am astonished at the miracle she performed in my apartment total makeover. She should get a medal for her above-and-beyond-the-call-of-duty service and satisfaction of her clients. Excellence indeed! The next time you need an apartment makeover, make M and M Sweet Design of New York your choice of designers of the interior. Madge and her staff are outrageous in their products and service. The client is treated like royalty and the attention to detail and focus on the project is impeccable.

Tom, on the other hand, my business partner, is not so keen on the idea of mine to spend six figures on an apartment makeover. He says I should have invested in lawn care equipment, hired a dozen workers and opened up shop in the suburbs as a lawn maintenance company. When he told me that, I just said, “Fun, fun.”

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get a job, kiss ass and don’t take no ____.

My apartment is too sanitary to live in. I like it like that. I appreciate it most when I’m not there. Do you know the fascination of owning something that you constantly need to clean? My apartment is cleaned on a daily basis by a confirmed quality cleaning company who guarantees satisfaction. The apartment is detailed daily. The finishings are cleaned and dusted, the air quality is controlled, the security system is 24/7, the bathroom is scrubbed top to bottom every morning and the cameras scan on my computer, so I can watch when I’m not there. The place is pristine and the word wonderful does not do it justice.

How can I invite anyone over? I can’t, not really, I mean I can, but would rather not. What if they drop or spill something? What if they move something? What if they did something intentional to harm my place? Wouldn’t it be better off left alone? Left alone to be beautiful, wonderful, ever so lovely and so, so immaculate.

Never buy a boat with a partner nor an apartment makeover.

Ann, my boss, suggested that I hire a maid. I certainly can afford one with my salary. I hate to say it, but I think maids are dirty. My cousin Harold had a maid and caught her doing dirty deeds behind his back. Gross things. The woman was dirty. What if I let one of those in my apartment? Rose wouldn’t like that. Who is Rose? She is my apartment’s nickname. I named her “Rose” because it is the most beautiful flower in the whole world. Rose is like that. She is too pretty to let a dirty, skanky, low-life, nasty cruddy maid come in and spoil her virginity. No, I won’t allow it! Rose is virgin and she will stay that way forever. I need more locks on the windows and doors. The lights need to stay on all the time. I need to hire an investigator to snoop on the neighbors in case they may be up to damaging Rose. I need to have a different PI do surveillance of domestic servants I have coming in daily to clean. I don’t trust them either. They are low class people doing low class work. They are all dirty and carry deadly germs. I can’t stand the thought of them going into Rose and not wearing any protection, like gloves and footies, taking off their shoes and wearing breathing masks. I just don’t know where they’ve been. No telling where they’ve been. Rose doesn’t need to know even if I find out. My business partner can go straight to hell because I’m going to protect Rose no matter what. He even suggested that I lease her out to someone else because I can’t stay there. I have to stay with Tom until I get ready to move into Rose. I am not ready yet. She is not ready yet. We will not do it until we are ready. Case closed.

My Rose is not a prostitute, she is a virgin, a white and pure virgin, never to be touched or spoiled or soiled. She is the crystal emerald ship of apartments worldwide. There is no other. Only Rose and nobody touches Rose.

Rose is fresh.