Five More Minutes
Risks in Love
“Five more minutes” my heavenly boyfriend of past Christmases would say and grab me close to him. Then, he’d fold my fingers into his and wrap me up around his safe arms and bear-hug me tightly under his uber comfy comforter in the romantic, deep-dark, 4am morning. This is after I’ve kept him up all night with my very unattractive snoring fest. Sometimes, we’d have our “five more minutes” of holding hands and bear hugs multiple times. Eventually, I’d get up so I could rush back from his home to mine and be at work on time at 6am. It was a wonderful rush of sweet intoxicating emotions to mutually want to never leave each other’s presence.
I’ve forgotten what that feeling was like. It was unexplainable to feel that much love and connection with someone. Describing it will never give it any justice. It scared me. Actually, it freaked me out to be completely frank. I’ve been so resigned to love and connection since those past Christmases ago, and I know it. I’ve been operating in fear, not willing to take any more risk in love or connecting with a partner that I’ve justified not being with a partner so many times over. It’s easier and safer from my —fear of losing a love and being rejected— perspective.
Today, I witnessed a lady, Marina —who was blissfully married for 32 years to a wonderful man, Cecilio— say goodbye to him one last time. As the pallbearers grabbed on to the side with their white gloves ready to lift the coffin rails to escort him out of church to his final resting place, she stood up and quietly walked up to gracefully block the coffin from moving forward and carefully placed her hand on the coffin. It was as if I was watching a slow motion movie with no sound. No one moved to try to stop her and no one said a word. They let her be and everyone watched as Marina said her last goodbye to Cecilo. The sight of it broke my heart open and woke it up at the same time. The pallbearers and folks all around started to weep profusely becuase they know who and how Cecilio and Marina were to each other.
It’s as if you could hear her say to him, “five more minutes”.
This is the first time I’ve met them and I felt a wave of invisible love energy emanate from the front of the room and crash through to all of us in the church service. Invisible to my eye, but I felt the love between their souls and it sent chills up my spine.
It woke me up. Wow. I want what they had. Their love for each other was so intense that it jump-started my resigned heart. I couldn’t bear, until today, taking a risk in love with a living human being. Meanwhile, a love separated by death brings me back to life. It is possible. I have so many more “five more minutes” opportunities! Take advantage. Epiphany. All of the sudden and somehow, I felt my guard surrender replaced by clarity, peace, trust, and love. I can’t believe how in just one second, my heart is open to take a risk and love again! Thank you Cecilio and Marina.
Above is a recycled post from Christmas 2008.
