#BigParentingIdea — If You Want To Have More Impact Be More Coach-Like

In his book The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever Michael Bungay Stanier shares a very valuable advice for leaders which, I think, every parent should take notice of.

He said that many leaders are advice-giving maniacs. They love to have all the answers and they love to give advice. Just like many parents.

School taught us that what’s valuable is having the answer. Thus adults often think that having the answer is how you add value.

According to Michael Bungay Stanier having the answer doesn’t serve you and it doesn’t serve the people you’re supposed to lead. By quickly providing an answer you’re creating an overly dependent people and you create a sense of overwhelm in your own life because now you’re doing their job.

When someone asks “How do I do this?” most leaders (and parents) rush with answers and ready-to-use solutions.

When you give somebody the answer, even though it might be the wrong answer, even if you might be trying to solve the wrong problem, it actually feels pretty good, because you’re smart, you’ve added value, you’re in control of this conversation, there is no ambiguity, you’ve proven that you’re actually the smartest person in the room.

And most people (kids including) will accept the ready-to-use solution because it’s much easier than coming up with their own solutions.

You’ve taught the person that she doesn’t have to figure things out herself, she can always come to you.

His advise: Be more coach-like!

When someone asks you “How do I do this?” instead of leaping and “adding value” go something like this:

“Look, I’ve got some ideas on how to do this and I will share them with you, but for now let me ask you what are some real challenges for you.”

In doing so you’re slowing down the rush to action (step 1).

Recognize that the first challenge that people come with is rarely the real challenge (step 2). Get her to do some thinking and reflecting on what’s going on here (step 3).

Ask the person “What else is a challenge here for you? Is there anything else that’s a challenge here? Knowing all of that, what’s the real challenge here for you?”

As a result this person will do the thinking herself and she will get closer to what the real challenge is.

When people get clear on what the real challenge is they pretty much always know the action that needs to be taken.

Being more coach-like increases capacity and self-sufficiency and is more likely to provide the right answer to the right challange.

Here’s the thing about empowerment. It actually means giving away some of your power so that the other person can take some power. You’re willing to step to this place of discomfort in order to allow that other person to expand and step into her potential.

But this also serves yourself, because you’ll actually get to work less hard and have more impact if you’re more coach-like most of the time.

Wait as long as you can to give them an answer because 9 times out of 10 they’ll actually figure it out themselves.

And in those rare cases when they won’t be able to figure it out by themselves you will get the chance to share your thoughts and ideas.

The longer you can wait the better the chances that they will step in, take ownership, expand their potential and become more self-sufficient.