When Your Partner Tells You They Were Sexually Assaulted
If you haven’t yet, at some point in your life, a partner may tell you they were sexually assaulted or raped. Some of you reading this have already had this conversation, and some of you may have had this conversation multiple times.
I’ve had a lot of discussions about sexual assault in the last couple of years. The conversation topics rage from the societal structures and stigmas with friends, to the stories of others, to the spaces created for Revenance. About a quarter of the people I’ve talked to are survivors of sexual assault. Nearly all of these people know at least one survivor.
I noticed a pattern among the group who aren’t survivors themselves, starting with a simple question from a close friend over a year ago. She asked, “what’s the best way to respond when someone shares a story with me?” I remember being energized and animated as I answered, presenting different techniques of how to show compassion and love, while maintaining a safe space.
Since that conversation, I’ve dedicated time and space to participate in and observe these conversations, working to understand what triggers positive and negative responses for both participants, and what patterns are the most helpful for survivors who are sharing their stories. Here are three practices* you can use if your partner tells you about a traumatic experience.
Say thank you
It sounds simple enough, but it is one of the most positive, supportive things you can say in this situation: “Thank you for sharing.” Start with this, and you can let the words sit in silence for a few moments. These words signal that you are listening, that you care for your partner, and your are genuinely thankful for their ability to be open and vulnerable with you.
Check in
Throughout the conversation, ask about how your partner is feeling. Tell them to share what they feel like sharing, and it’s okay if they don’t want to answer. Asking open-ended questions like “how are you feeling” and “how can I best support you” will help your partner reflect and maintain control of the narrative, while providing you with insight into how you can help.
As you ask more questions, you may notice more emotions arising from your partner. Everyone shows emotions in different ways, especially survivors, and it’s important to let them know that those emotions are okay. The phrase “your emotions are valid” is one that will remind your partner that they are not alone, that this was a traumatic experience, and that you believe and support them.
Provide ongoing support
Lastly, remember that this isn’t a one time conversation with your partner. Trauma has long-term impacts, with associated triggers and patterns. You may want to ask your partner if they have any known triggers as a result of their experience that they want to share.
Towards the end of the conversation, ask your partner how you can support them going forward. Let your partner know they don’t need to answer it now, but make sure to follow up with them in a day or two. This is an important question, and one that will strengthen your relationship if you’re able to pinpoint ways to minimize triggers and show support.
We aren’t always our best selves in these difficult conversations, and that’s okay. I hope these practices help make it a little easier. Strive to always act with intention, empathy, and love.
*These are based on my experience and learnings. Women and men who experience sexual trauma will respond and process in their own ways. The practices outlined here provide a framework to be open and compassionate, while letting the person to maintain ownership of the narrative. It is important to consider other resources as well, including books, podcasts, and therapy.
