Why I’m frustrated with the state of sexual assault in our society*

*Some of the reasons.

Trigger warning: content related to sexual assault and rape.

I’m often asked why I do this work, why I care so much. Every time, I softly smile and share: it’s a widespread issue that I promise impacts at least one person in your life. As a society, we propagate stigmas and silence survivors, in ways that are detrimental to everyone. I’ve seen the power of bringing together people to discuss sexual assault, of creating a space to have these conversations.

The world of sexual assault is dark and lonely, one where many people get lost. I argue that this apocalyptic world is one that we can dismantle. Our society nurtures it by overpowering assault and rape with stigmas, making it so whenever a survivor does speak out, they’re immediately confronted with skepticism, aggression, and obstacles. One eyebrow raise or head turn can wreck any optimism a survivor might have, and they’ll shrink back into the darkness.

An element of this world that is common among insiders (survivors of assault and allies) and outsiders (those who are not impacted, or who are abusers without remorse) is the comparison effect.

“Was it really that bad?”

“I don’t get why you’re so upset.”

“It’s not like he raped you.”

Why are we so quick to compare our experiences — our traumatic experiences (!!?). In what other world are we comparing our traumatic experiences like this, and to what end? We all process trauma in our own ways. Even acknowledging the question of, “is it really that bad” is detrimental to ourselves, our loved ones, and society.

I’ll pause here. A lot of us never reach this point — not even recognizing that an experience was assault (again, I look to the stigmas in society and lack of education around this). I’ve had conversations with friends where they reflect on sexual encounters in the past, and realize that what happened was not actually okay.

“Why didn’t I realize it then?”

“I should have said something.”

“I thought it was normal.”

In these conversations, I remind both of us to show empathy for our younger selves. We will never act as our best selves in moments of trauma, and often we won’t realize the impact of what happened at the time. This is normal. What’s most important is to show yourself that empathy as you reflect on these experiences.

So let’s reflect back to the question at hand: why is this work important?

At the core, to provide you with an opportunity to share your story. To recognize that you may have had an experience. To show you tools and resources to heal and share. To reflect, to grow, to heal, to love.

In our initial conversation when we touched on this topic (after over a year of knowing each other), Carlisle and I showered each other with love and support. Because we have friends and loved ones who have experienced sexual assault. Because this is more common than any of us think, but is still so hidden and quiet, even in the post #MeToo era.

My hope is for Revenance provides us all the ability to breathe out a collective sigh of relief. When we can all show each other empathy and support for our experiences, and learn and grow from them. We need to reconsider our interactions, understand and communicate our intentions, and show empathy, to ourselves and those around us.