Blood Feud
We were sitting in Tommy’s Buick in the parking lot of the Walgreens. Tommy wanted to go on disability for a while, take a few weeks off from his assembly line job. He thought shooting off the tip of his pinkie was the best way to do it.
“I need your help here, Steven,” he said to me. “I can’t do it by myself.”
Tommy’s girlfriend, Megan, was passed out in the back seat. I was the least drunk of the three of us. I told Tommy he should just fake a back injury. I’d told him that using a knife might hurt less than a gun. I was trying to be the voice of reason here, but within my reasoning, I could not deny that his missing pinkie tip would look pretty badass.
“Fine,” I said after another minute of Tommy’s begging. “Gimme the damn gun already.”
I was only standing about two feet away from Tommy, but my first two shots totally missed his hand.
“Bullets are expensive,” he said. “I’m not made of money here.”
“I haven’t shot a gun in a while,” I explained. “I’m more of a bow and arrow guy.”
My third shot nailed him. The blood didn’t come as quickly as I thought it would, but when it did, it shot out of his pinkie like a geyser. Tommy was drunk enough to think this was hilarious. Instead of just wrapping his finger up in his jacket, he began to shoot his blood at me. I tried to run away from him, but I tripped over the curb. While I was on the ground, Tommy stood over the top of me, spraying me with his blood.
I started giggling because it was like when we were kids and we were having a water fight, except now we were adults and the water was blood. I didn’t have any ammunition, so I got out my pocket knife and sliced open my wrist and started shooting Tommy back.
This went on for a long time, both of us running back and forth around the Walgreens’ parking lot. After a while we started feeling a little lightheaded and we woke up Megan. She was a bit freaked out, but we calmed her down and she laid down a sheet in the backseat of Tommy’s car and drove us to the hospital.
Sure, sure, I had to spend a couple of weeks in the hospital on suicide watch while my wrist wound healed and my blood levels returned back to normal, but both Tommy and I are talking about doing this again soon. We’ve decided that we’ve got a bunch of extra blood in our bodies and from now on we’re not going to just waste it only on dumb stuff, like carrying oxygen to our limbs or helping us breathe or whatever the hell else blood does.
