So You Think You Can Brunch Your Way to Metal Superstardom

(Winner of WANTED 27)

This summer my ambient metal band, Infërnäl Fläpjäck, is going to record our best album ever, in a doghouse.

Born of unlikely circumstances, our band was the byproduct of a Matlock impersonation contest, which all of us entered separately. Although none of the contestants actually won — we were dismissed as being “too understated” or “too overblown” or, in my case, “visibly paralyzed by a sense of impending doom” — we instantly bonded over our mutual fondness for brunch. And after we hit the literal bottom of our hyperbolic bottomless mimosas, forming a metal band seemed like the most logical thing to do.

Both in homage to our auspicious start and owing to our lack of musical acumen, each song in our repertoire is a sung recipe of a brunch favorite (and each snarl is your cue to whisk those eggs until peaks form). With our new album, Hair of the Hellhound, Infërnäl Fläpjäck is kicking this culinary concept up a notch by recording with 100% free range, locally sourced, organically produced, shade grown lyrics. We’re upgrading from frozen to fresh and swapping bestial screaming for hash browns with bestial screaming for artisanal hash browns.

You may be wondering, why record our magnum opus in a place as disreputable as a doghouse? I wish I could say that the acoustics make the guitar distortion sound ethereal or that a cosmic force bent on confining our dark souls to an equally dark atmosphere drove us to the location, but our actual reason is straightforward: We just want to do something that will separate us from the rest of the Andy Griffith-aspiring, muesli-fueled ambient metal bands.

Gruyère frittata, anyone?

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This was the winner of WANTED #27, an occasional community writing contest run by Revolver. Follow us for the next writing prompt.