May, A Better Friend
Hello May.
Welcome in.
It’s a brand new month, looking forward ahead.
April was devoted to a month of self-love and slow healing, mending invisible wounds that had been left untreated. It is the first time in my life that I devoted time and energy to self-healing, that self that was kept deep inside of me hidden and unseen; that self that was hurt countless times but left unnoticed.
I grew up in an environment where mental health doesn’t exist, having negative feelings and emotions seems to me like I am a weirdo. At any point in time growing up, I didn’t want to be a black sheep in such a way. As a result, I learn to suck up whatever it is, smile, and move on pretending nothing had happened before. Wounds after wounds and I never did know that these wounds existed; not until I finally realized that I could no longer recognize who I was anymore even from the surface of the physical me.
I struggle to smile;
I struggle to see positivity in this world;
I struggle to show love and compassion to people whom I care and love.
Self-love and self-healing, it was harder than I thought they would be. I thought every one of us was brought to this world the way that we were meant to be in our very own unique way, I just need to be comfortable about it. After all, it is just about myself, how hard can it be? Yet through this life journey, it became a struggle to love the version of myself at any point in time.
I struggle to accept all the perfect and imperfections of myself;
I struggle to accept all the mistakes that I have made;
I struggle to accept the failures of my own doing;
I struggle to accept the version of myself;
Unconsciously, I was hiding all of it away, denying this ugly and chaotic truth.
This process also took longer than I expected. I neglected the power of interference from external forces. I underestimated how weak I was internally.
As I mend my wounds,
some wounds were deeper than I thought it was,
some wounds got hurt deeper, some wounds came by fresh.
Scenarios that caused me to be wounded deeper happened, my boundaries were intruded, and I was too weak to keep myself protected.
As the month passed by, I realized there was more than what I had realized before.
I realized, I learned, and the cycle repeats.
I know better now learning from April, moving forward May will be a better friend for self-love and healing, adding on self-compassion.
— Journey of Learning, Living the Present —
