Hard to love?
I often think of myself as a fierce lover. I’m what today’s urban dictionary calls an “emo guy;” interesting term that I assume means something along the lines of “man who wears heart on sleeve.” Ah, well.
Whether I am actually a genuine “fierce lover” or not, is anybody’s guess. I don’t have the answers to that question. Now, since what I think is the best we have to go on, shall we?
I think most people would consider me an “emo guy” because I am sensitive — and, as I have come to find out, not in the way most men are. The things that tickle my fancy don’t appeal to most of my kind. The innate lens through which I experience the glory that is sensuality in the opposite gender is not one that is shared by very many guys.
So what does that do for me? I don’t know for sure. But I’d say it makes me hard to love, in the very least. Because there aren’t very many people that see the world the way I do — with respect to women — or share a similar thought process on the matter, there is a converse lack of women capable of grasping at the makings of a man like me.
I know this because I’ve been through the grinder that is life in 90’s baby Nigeria. I’ve hoe’d, ‘monogamised’, cheated and even proposed once. I have drowned, surfed and snacked in the dating pool.
But I am not talking about the terrible one-night stands and crazy girlfriends [although, we all are crazy really. In our own way]. I am talking about the ones that were “IT” and it still never worked out. For some reason.
Yes, we are all different people coming from different places but these people that are meeting themselves, falling in love and living happily ever after don’t have two heads.
Why can’t I seem to find that elusive utopia? How do we go from “triple A rated” to total strangers? Seriously, this shit really fucks with me.
I’ve been called “weird” at some point in every relationship I have ever been in. It may come off a comment, an act or even just a reaction — but it always comes.
So, I’ve ensconced myself in self-study in an attempt to ratify these many assumptions about me and, for the most part, I find that these conjectures have some merit. So, I embrace them.
When I meet women — which is not very often, I admit, I am quick to let them know that I am widely considered to be weird. There’s an actual reputation, babe. This one no be bants.
I appreciate my flaws because, who would I be without them? They are my body, my soul, my spirit and a functional core of my being. Those that have loved me can testify.
But that’s as good as it gets. Most people don’t want baggage. Different. Crazy. And you can’t blame them. “To be different is to be alone” & every good thing has its price.
In the end, that dream — love — may not be for me. I am glad to know that it exists — to have felt its touch, even if sparingly so. To have felt its warmth course through every pore in my body and its overwhelming energy nudge me past some of the most difficult moments of my life. But … it just doesn’t look or feel like it is going to happen for me.
Maybe that is enough. Or maybe it isn’t. None of that matters now. I realize that sometimes, the things you want the most never seem to come to you. And that’s okay. Because other things you want will.
I remain hopeful that the love I seek will find me. Because that is all any of us really has — hope. If you are out there, wondering why love hasn’t found you, keep growing and building yourself so that when it does find you, you will be ready.
And if you never find love, or never want to, that’s okay too. We can be outside love. Skinny, short, broke, acne-prone, fat, bleached, clingy, insecure, semi-literate … whatever your flaw is — you can exist, build, grow and live a quality life without love.
Will love make your life better? Probably. But there are no guarantees, just as it is with everything else in life. I have come to learn that even the things you can control [or think you can] are controlled by other things you can’t possibly influence. Causality is everything.
So enjoy what you do have: friends, family, colleagues, life etc. Enjoy that. Don’t get lost in the hopelessness of what you don’t have but focus instead on what you may be missing out on. You decide what constitutes happiness and positive energy because it’s your life. Selah.
