The Church of Time Management.
I’m not a fan of Nigerian churches. In fact, I’m not religious, for the most part, because of Nigerian churches. A lot of them operate judgmental, misogynistic and hypocritical doctrines but worst of all is the absolute, mind-numbing inability to keep to time. That is the one thing synonymous with almost every Nigerian church — apart from Jesus and the gang, of course.
I was born and raised a Christian. My mother is a pastor and church was a sizeable part of growing up in my home — since Jesus was the only one a single mother trying to raise her kids right could depend on.
Church may have been forced down my throat as a kid but I didn’t hate it. I enjoyed praise and worship, testimonies and most of all watching people cry unto the Lord or incur a sudden descent of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, you also got free stuff and free food. Not bad for a couple optional visits during the week and the mandatory date with God on Sundays. Sundays were always for God only.
As I got older, I started to need to do other stuff apart from God stuff on Sundays. Football, sometimes the beach, other times a serious errand with money-making potential. I could no longer afford to dedicate the better part of my Sundays to Jesus and the church squad — not because I had something against that, life was just ... happening.
Still, I wanted to go to church. I loved the spirit of fellowship and togetherness it encouraged and sometimes, the pastors sermon wasn’t that boring. So I’d go to church in the early part of the day and do whatever I needed to do afterwards.
Initially, this loose plan worked. I was still in the university and the engagements I had, I could afford to be late — even on other days of the week which there was a service. The church squad could go well beyond the time they told me I would be done and I still wouldn’t mind. It wasn’t that deep yet.
I started to get upset with the church when I started to work. I could no longer deal with a church program that should end at 12PM on a Saturday throwing an extra hour and half in there just because. Same for weekday services and Sundays too — this inability to keep to time was no longer working. I had events to cover or articles to deliver. I had shit to do.
Everyone probably places more premium on their time when they become adults and you’re more conscious of the value you lose from wasted time: events that start late, meetings that start late or church services that finish late. That was me. I even moved around a couple churches thinking I would find one that would make my walk with Jesus a bit more time conscious but I didn’t.
So I started to attend church less or just leave when I had to, anointing service or not. I soon got fed up of hoping that one day, just one day, one of these services will not exceed the time stated on the flier, the church billboard or the text invite for the program.
I’d stopped going to church altogether when my best girls, Sleepy and Temitope, invited me to a Sunday service at their church Covenant Christian Centre in Iganmu, Lagos. I had so many questions: Is praise and worship fun? What time does service finish? Will the service actually end at that time? Do women wear trousers in your church? What kinds of things does your pastor preach about?
I was not ready for what I experienced. The service started at exactly 7:45AM and ended at exactly 10AM. It was unbelievable to witness but maybe I was just lucky — “These people are just on their game today,” I thought. Despite Sleepy’s assurances on the Pastor’s time management skills, I figured I’d try the following weekend and catch them with their pants down.
Except I didn’t. Every single time I have been to that church, everything has been timely — from Sunday services, weekly services to special programs and conferences. Well, damn! Out of this time-wasting ineptitude shines a star!
That star is Pastor Poju Oyemade. Sleepy and Temitope tell me that he conducts four services in three locations in Lagos every fucking Sunday like clockwork and none of those services go longer than the allotted time. In fact, in the year and few months they have both been attending the Covenant Christian Centre, Pastor Poju Oyemade has only missed Sunday service roughly three times — in a whole year!
“You can see him on Instagram doing something in London on Thursday,” Sleepy says, “But on Sunday he’s in church for service and he’s never late.” “Even when we have other programs at the Lekki branch or like Crossover service,” Temitope adds, “Everything always starts on time and ends on time.”
Obviously now a fan, I urge them to tell me more — and that’s exactly what they did. At the end of the conversation, with my mind properly blown, I think to myself, “Well damn! Maybe Pastor Poju needs to open a Church of Time Management so these other pastors and their churches can come learn a thing or two. And with the support of the Holy Spirit!”
If I ever meet Pastor Poju, I am going to give him a big hug and thank him for confirming my suspicions that Nigerian churches just don’t give two fucks about your time. And that’s okay. It’s worked for them all this while, after all.
As for me, I’d rather go to a church where 12PM is 12PM and not 1:15PM. If you know Pastor Poju, tell him I’ll see him, usual time, next Sunday. Shalom!
