When Rise Over Run was first introduced to me, I was so inspired by reading about struggles people were dealing with in their daily lives and the ways in which they dealt with them, but It had never appeared to me that I had one too. These last few years for me I can definitely say have been filled with growth, and I experienced so much happiness, pain, loss, love, but one significant feeling was active in every single one of those experiences.

When Lorenzo first asked me what was something that I am currently struggling with, I had to really sit with it and ask myself what same hurdle, feeling or emotion was I facing every single day.

Writing this piece for Rise Over Run was strengthening, but so hard at the same time because I couldn’t put into words how I felt about this life right now.

Forgive me if I’m all over the place.

Everyone was born with a passion, a drive, a talent. Growing up, you name it, I did it. From soccer to swimming, art classes, singing, dance, karate and playing the clarinet, I went through it all. I felt like all my peers surrounding me had that one extra-curricular that they were good at. I went through all these events and still felt empty not knowing if I was ever going to find that one drive to look forward to every day.

It wasn’t until I hit the 8th grade where it all was coming together. On the night of my graduation, I received the heart of gold award. It wasn’t the athlete of the year award, or the honour roll for having the highest grades, it was the type of award where I was being honoured for loving, helping, and caring for all my friends and teachers around me.

It wasn’t the sports, dance or music classes that I was passionate for, it was the passion to make connections with people, communicate, be friends and grow.

From the youngest age, I just wanted to help out whether it be in the classroom, at home or in my own friendships. Did I think wanting to help people could be my passion? Never.

As I look back at high-school and all my years of University up to this date, I can say and know deep in my heart I put others before myself so many times that led me to push my emotions to the side. I looked at everyone as having the best of intentions and gave chances to people searching to fulfill a good place in my heart.

I want to be able to solve every situation for anybody who crosses my path, even if it means losing myself through it.

I’ve been told numerous times how I wear my emotions on my face and how I let people around me affect my moods, and how I shouldn’t do this.

Why are emotions of anything other than happy so frowned upon? What happened to that saying “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY I CAN CRY IF I WANT TOO?”.

I live in this battle of reaching out a hand to people and wanting them to spill out their emotions onto me, but I’m not given the same in return.

Let’s fast forward to right now. What is something that I’m struggling with right now? All I really do is think about the feelings that I’m hiding.

I have this battle with my brain constantly of over-thinking situations and knowing that although I LIVE to have people’s back and want to help them, people don’t always reciprocate back.

It took a whole lot of time for me to understand that in life, people are going to love you and people are going to hate you and you simply CANNOT control others’ behaviours.

Through my dating experiences, through loss of friendships I always gave my all, but sometimes your ‘ALL’ just isn’t enough.

Here comes the me being all over the place.

I went through the ‘incredible’ single-life and dating-life for two years until I found the absolute love of my life who finally came and swept me off my damn feet.

His soul has entirely changed my view on life and love.

Going through the dating scheme, it was always about does he like me? Will I say the right thing? What should I wear? Does this make me look okay? Will he text me he gets home? Will there be a next time or is he just saying that?

Although entirely all of these men were scumbags, I learned so much about MYSELF through all these experiences.

Everyone used to tell me when you find someone “you just know”. And man, did I think that was just BS. But honestly, it is so simply true. Whoever is reading this right now, if you can take ANYTHING away from this piece is just to never forget who you are, what you want and why you began your journey. I longed for a relationship since I was in the seventh grade. And now finally being in one, there are new hurdles that I never thought would exist.

Let’s rewind back.

All I really do is think about the feelings I’m hiding.

Being in a relationship comes along with far more different dynamics that I would have ever imagined. “Pick your battles” someone once said to me. This is where the hiding comes in.

Choosing your battles means choosing what to share, what to say is hurting you. I hide a lot of what angers or hurts me in fear of letting down my partner, and having him feel the need to act different or change. This Is active within any other relationships in my life. I also don’t deal with change in the best of ways but I think I’m sharing waaay too many struggles in one writing piece.

How I’m dealing with this daily battle with my brain? Talking to people and hearing their experiences. Not so that I can relate to them, but to see how they got through it and how they dealt with it.

Sometimes I sit there and wonder away in my own thoughts and just wish everyone could be happy for each other. Why do people want to kill the vibes of others because of their own situations?

We live in a society driven by who has what and we are all guilty of comparing ourselves, but I’ve learned everyone has their own battles, so cliché but if I’m not raining on anyone’s parades, I just wish they wouldn’t rain on mine.

If I look at how I experience emotion and how I share it, the two definitely don’t match up.

If I could share advice with someone going through the same struggle it would be to:

A) DO NOT hold back your emotions. We’ve been given the gift to feel things. Inner happiness, joy, sadness and disparity (just a simple few). Share these with whom you consider part of your circle, because you will then realize if they should truly even be part of that circle.

B) Focus on the here and now. Yes, your past has opened so many doors and taught you so much about life that you had not known, but don’t let the past affect your current thoughts and future thoughts. Life has its ups and life has its downs. Never fear of the past that will stop you from moving forward in your future.

C) OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND. This has to be my number one goal and advice I’m leading to follow. If it isn’t around you, isn’t affecting you or doesn’t concern you, DON’T LET YOUR MIND CONSUME IT! Whether it be a person, a place or a thing, if it’s not in your sight, DO NOT let it be in your mind!!!

The people whom have crossed my path these past few years have led me into the person I am becoming. I say becoming because I’m still growing, I’m still learning and I haven’t yet got to where I want to be, but I know all these hills in life are leading me to exactly where I need to be.

I’m going to finish of this piece with a prayer that has stood with me since I was a little girl. So much power in these words.


Nicole Corasaniti

Rise Over Run is a visual project — an anthology of stories and experiences about how people overcome their greatest personal struggles.
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