PATRICIA ROQUE
RISE OVER RUN -
A | LORENZO COLOCADO | PROJECT
I want to be somebody, before I need somebody. Life is ever-changing, but it’s been changing much quicker than usual recently. It’s the most foreign feeling to me — scary, but ever so necessary. Those that have been here know how crazy of a ride this has truly been. And while I’ve stayed true to myself, I have also changed completely.
This project could not have come at a better time for me. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with so many feelings… anxiousness, loneliness, excitement, fear, hope… I am officially a university graduate, and while I am incredibly excited, I also realize that real life is about to happen. I have plans to travel and be great. Here I am, four years of study later, doing what it is that I’m naturally supposed to do. But how do I not feel accomplished? How and where do I find the satisfaction within myself?
Realizing how close life was to me, I got scared and anxious, and made some very hasty decisions.
Before university, I had an incredibly significant high school experience. I was involved and committed to everything I took part in. I had a true desire to lead, affect change and ultimately just make a difference in some way. No matter how menial the work, I was happy and proud. With the support and encouragement that surrounded me, and the meaningful contributions that I was making to my school and my community, I was for sure that after leaving I was going to be GREAT. I was determined to bring that drive with me no matter where I went, no matter what I did.
For that reason, university was tough. I never really found myself or the space where I could be most productive with the work I wanted to be a part of. I coasted and never really stayed true to those dreams of mine. I had to realize that I wasn’t that great after all. I often compare myself to the football jock that peaked in high school, and that thought scares the shit out of me. I’m terrified that I might never see that person again. What if my drive for greatness is so far beyond me that I’ll never be passionate in that same way again?
For those who truly know, know that I am someone that has never settled for mediocre. While I might give off a nonchalant type of attitude, I do care… a lot. Not being able to have that feeling of personal fulfillment has been truly unnerving and has been making me feel so unready for life. And with this I made some decisions that have turned my life completely upside down. Nothing was the same. And nothing will ever be the same again. Those close to me know that these decisions were not taken lightly, and to everyone that’s been there, from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Some called these decisions brave and strong, while others used some not so nice words. The encouragements were kind, but I still struggle to believe myself. In myself.
It’s hard letting go of everything that has been so near and dear to you for the past few years. You go from being comfortable and happy, to feeling so alone and overwhelmed. Which sounds sad, but experiencing those feelings now, you realize how freeing and necessary they can be. Although I have no idea what it truly means, I am in an attempt to find myself. And while I do believe that I was never actually lost, I’m trying to find what once sparked fires within me, or something new that will give me that same passion. I know how capable I am. And how strong, and fascinating. I know all of that about myself. But there is also a difference between knowing and believing. And it’s all just longing to be truly discovered.
Although, one thing I have for sure learned through this time, is that everything truly does happen for a reason. No matter how cliché that line forever is, it is so incredibly true. My ‘journey’ has only just begun. All the changes that have happened have brought new opportunities and new elements, and taken away old ones in my life. All of which have been so necessary to my understanding of myself and what I want to become. And now I’m just excited! Anxious and looking forward to everything that’s about to come. It used to all worry me; I used to fear the future, I used to fear that maybe I ruined everything that was once so good to, and for me. But what’s life without a little risk? Sometimes hasty decisions are the ones that open doors to new perspectives, new adventures, a new life… Yes, you feel slightly regretful at the beginning, but then you remember all the good that you had, how happy you were, and you preserve those memories in that exact way. Even though you’re busy creating new ones, you know you’ll never let those go. AND if you’re like me, you book a trip to move to Thailand, and you know your life is just going to keep changing for the better. It is all happening right now. At this moment. I continue to surprise myself with the decisions that I make, wondering why it is that I could never do certain things before. Feeling free opens up new opportunities; it’s empowering, and quite honestly I am insanely proud of myself. Proud for finally realizing what I am truly capable of.
It is all written. And even when there are days where you feel down, and regretful of your decisions — know that it’s normal. Throw on some Daniel Caesar, light a candle, sit in bed and cry — trust me, it works. Because you wake up feeling refreshed, and all of those feelings are then forgotten when something incredible happens. You make a new friend, you experience something different, you make new memories, and you live your life with no regrets. That’s when it’s all uphill and everything that happened was just experience, preparing you for everything great that’s about to come. And then you feel happy. That’s what they want to see — finding yourself — not how you lost yourself. How you made your rise, over your run.
Rise Over Run is a visual project — an anthology of stories and experiences about how people overcome their greatest personal struggles.
send me an email: ror@riseoverrun.org
