A Wedding, and the Temptation to Drink
A couple weeks ago my 2ndcousin got married, and I experienced the greatest temptation to drink since I got sober. Up until that day, I hadn’t thought much about drinking. Never really crossed my mind except for a few fleeting thoughts about how good a beer would taste. I was already on edge because of my anxiety. Big social gatherings are difficult for me. Also, leading up to that day, I was thinking about how I would handle the reception. Should I order a club soda with lime? Or, would that be too much temptation? How was I going to handle walking into the bar area? So many fears and questions surrounded me, long before the big day arrived.
A Moment of Panic
After the ceremony, there was an hour and a half to kill before the reception. A few of my family members and I decided to meet up at a bar/ pizza joint to kill the time, and to catch up with some acquaintances of my uncle’s. No big deal.
I’ve been in bars before, since I’ve been in recovery. Being in them doesn’t bother me much, because they usually don’t smell like alcohol. Even if it did smell like beer, it wouldn’t bother me. And since this place was also a pizza joint, it smelled like delicious pizza. Mmmm. So good.
Everything was going well, until the drinks arrived.
My dad, step-mom, and the two ladies in our group all ordered a “lemonade”. I put lemonade in parenthesis because there was alcohol in the drink. Fuck. To me, it smelled like a strawberry margarita, which was one of my favorite drinks back in the day. Whenever I was feeling like a fancy night out, a date night with me, myself, and I, I would go to Applebee’s and order a strawberry margarita, blended.
When the drinks arrived, and the air conditioner started blowing the scent towards me, I had a moment of panic. My mouth was watering, my heart started racing, and I was holding back the urge to grab my dad’s drink and pound it. The craving was that bad.
In the 1,624 days since I got sober, I have never had a craving come over me that strongly. At least, not that I can remember.
When Someone Doesn’t Understand Recovery…
Thankfully, I’ve been in recovery long enough that I knew what to do in that moment. I excused myself, said I had to run out to my car, and went outside for a minute. I smoked a cigarette, got centered again, and took a few deep breaths.
When I went back inside, I changed chairs to get away from the smell. I told my dad no offense, the smell of the drinks was getting to me. He understood, because he knows I’m in recovery. My step-mom on the other hand did not.
The words “oh come on” came out of her mouth when my dad told her why I moved chairs.
Are you fucking kidding me!?
But, instead of picking a fight with her, I chose to ignore it and silently seethe. They’ve been married for 14 years, and since that time she and I have had a rocky relationship. Long story that’s not worth getting into.
I don’t know if she forgot that I was in recovery or doesn’t understand what being in recovery entails. I don’t know why she made that comment, nor really care at this point. Sometimes we run across people who don’t understand what it means to be in recovery, and that’s okay. We have two choices: try to explain our point of view or ignore it and move on.
I chose the latter in this situation.
On any given day, I’m happy to talk about what being in recovery means to me. Happy to talk about the challenges and other things that come with being around alcohol. But, there are certain times when no amount of explaining with be productive, and I felt that this situation was just that. Not productive.
I sent my dad a text saying, “Sorry, the smell from your drinks is making me want to drink them. 4 years in recovery, but it’s still hard sometimes.” My dad has been completely supportive of my recovery ever since I told him. I am grateful to have that support, because I know many people don’t. He said, “It’s okay.” I love him for that.
Giggles At the Reception
If you’ve ever been to a wedding reception that has a bar, you’ve probably been handed a ticket/ tickets. These tickets are usually part of the deal made between the venue and the person holding the reception, giving guests a certain number of free drinks.
As my cousin (my 2ndcousin’s dad) was handing out tickets, he stopped when he got to me. The look on his face was priceless! He knows I’m in recovery, and I imagine he was having an internal debate in his head about whether to give me a ticket or not. Do I give her one, or not?
After a few seconds of internal debate, he handed me a ticket and said, “they have soda you can get”. I felt for him, I really did. If I had my wits about me, I would have told him about my own internal debate team. How I went back and forth between the decision to step foot in the bar area or stick with water/ tea. I did not have my wits about me however, and just stuck with a general response.
I went up to the bar area later in the evening and ordered a Coke. And the cool part about ordering soda is, they rip your ticket in half, so you can get two sodas instead of one.
There was still the internal debate going on, because the struggle is real when you’re faced with a situation like that. But, sticking with a safe drink like soda helped a lot.
Every Situation Is Different
There were many factors that led to my temptation that day, and every situation is different. I have another wedding coming up in 9 days, and I may or may not be tempted that day. I don’t know. I do know that I feel more prepared now to deal with any temptations and stress that may arise.
Being in recovery doesn’t have to be difficult. If you’re newly sober, a wedding or other gathering where alcohol is served will be more stressful for you than if you have a few years under your belt. You may react differently to seeing/ smelling alcohol than someone else. You may have a more challenging time, or less challenging time than someone else. Never base your reaction to a situation on someone else’s reaction.
If you feel comfortable going into a bar, go for it. If you don’t feel comfortable, that’s okay too. And never let the naysayers dictate how you feel about a situation. I spent the first year of my recovery avoiding family gatherings where alcohol would be present. Sure, my dad didn’t understand at the time. But, it was my decision. I had to put my recovery first.
No where is is written that recovery must be boring. I feel the most important aspect of recovery for me is having fun. Living life to the fullest. Celebrating the second chance at life that I received when I got sober. Sure, I still don’t go into bars, or places that serve alcohol, on purpose. I only go when the situation calls for it. But, that doesn’t mean I need to stay away from alcohol completely. If I have a reason to be around alcohol, be it a family gathering, or wedding, then I will certainly go.
I’ve found I have a lot more fun in recovery than I ever did drinking. That night at the wedding I danced, and did the cha-cha slide, danced with my nieces, and celebrated my cousin’s marriage. And I had a damn good time doing it sober.
So, the moral of the story is, don’t hide in a cave away from alcohol, because you’re going to miss out on a lot of cool life events. But, if you do need to be around alcohol, have a plan in place before hand. Think about what you will do if a craving arises. Think about a safe person that you can talk to there, or someone you can text/ call. Have an exit strategy if you begin to feel uncomfortable. And most of all, have fun!
Here’s to living it up the sober way!
Mindy
Originally published at www.mysoberashes.com on June 29, 2018.
